The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/24

Me rolling into the pregame deep in the throes of the longest dry spell in human history (64 months)

• Bezos is Jacked

• Father’s Day Gift Idea

• Uber Drivers Are Cool as Fuck

• What Else is Good

• Wild Shit Wednesdays

• New YouTube Sketch

• Bring This Up at the Pregame

Let’s get into it.

BEAUTIFUL BUFF BEZOS

My heart is full. Jeff Bezos got engaged to Lauren Sanchez and love is officially real.

The engagement was spectacular. A $2.5 million ring. A romantic trip on Bezos’ yacht with a figurehead that looks exactly like Sanchez. The presence of Sanchez’s ex Tony Gonzalez (yes that Tony Gonzalez) on the trip.

The most beautiful part? Bezos is looking even more jacked than normal. It’s Dom Torreto level.

Lauren is a beautiful woman but Bezos should be the one on the yacht figurehead.

No wonder he has the confidence to invite his fiancée’s Hall of Famer ex husband on their engagement trip. When you’ve transcended the limits of physical strength like Bezos has, nothing can hurt you.  

SEND THIS TO YOUR DAD

Move over, Nick Cannon. This multi-millionaire who swaps blood with his 17-year-old son to stay young forever is the new Father of the Year..

There’s truly no better way to connect with your son than by some good old fashioned bodily fluid transfer. And is there a better gift to give offspring than your own eternal youth?

My own father is aging at a normal rate, and I find it very hard to love him. Last week, I offered to give him a quarter of the plasma in my body as an early Father’s Day gift, but he was too proud to accept. When will toxic masculinity end?

UBER DRIVERS ARE COOL AS FUCK

Everyone knows that thieves are cool as fuck. And they only steal cool shit. Ipso facto, Kia and Hyundai’s are the coolest cars and the people who drive them (Uber drivers) are the coolest dudes on Earth. That’s just math right there.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• No fucking shit. A Stanford professor claims that aliens are 100% living with humans, which I already knew because this little freak exists.

• Huge congrats to my high school buddy named Max, who got an entire HBO streaming platform named after him even though he sucks and only texts me about energy drink pyramid schemes.

• Saints QB Jake Haene looked stunning while treating his NFL photoshoot like a high school yearbook prank. Kid gets it…always approach your career like it’s a fucking joke, no matter what.

• Bill Simmons confirmed The Ringer is using AI to mimic podcaster’s voices for ad reads which only impacts the morons who don’t fast forward through podcast ad reads.

WILD SHIT WEDNESDAYS

Good for her. She was probably incredible at table topping people.

I wish she was still alive. I feel like she’d have a fire Tik-Tok page that one of your buddies gets a little too into it in a weird way. We need more stuff like that these days.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

My only note is I don’t think this video was graphic enough. Not nearly enough blood.

God bless this human race. What a beautiful way to spend this one precious life.