The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/29

1. Pope Francis apologizes for using homophobic slurs during a meeting with his bishops. He clearly is bingeing The Sopranos and let it take over his personality. Happens to the best of us.

2. Wu-Tang’s unreleased album, once sold for $2 million to Martin Shkreli, will be played for free at museum. Don’t care how rare it is, if it doesn’t have a sax remix over a tropical house beat, I’m not interested.

3. Chipotle says trend of customers filming workers won’t lead to larger portions. Let’s stop harassing minimum wage employees and start a trend that actually works: going to Dos Toros. It’s way better.

4. Billionaire wants to send submarine to Titanic remains to prove that OceanGate was one-off. Right, because that’s the #1 issue facing the world today. If he also has a very online step-son, it’ll be worth it.

5. Everything was better when you were a kid. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first…breaking news….the world’s most shotgunnable beer is now available in the Outer Banks (the ocean community, not the Netflix show that you “only watch because your girlfriend puts it on.”) Let’s ride.

For those keeping score at home, we have now conquered Outer Banks, New York, Massachusetts, Nashville, and Rhode Island. Soon, we will complete our Manifest Destiny and cover this continent in light beer from sea to shining sea. But until then, gets yours wherever they’re available.

NOSTALGIA IS A POWERFUL WEAPON

The Washington Post ran a report this week breaking down a study that asked Americans which decade had the best movies, economy, and more across 20 categories.

What they found? The biggest variable that determined your answer was your age. I’ll let them explain.

“It’s not that Americans feel nostalgia for a specific era. They feel nostalgic for a specific age. The good old days when America was ‘great’ weren’t the 1950s. It’s whatever decade you were 11.”

For example, here’s how people felt about music:

• Outside of music, the trend continues across pretty much every category, though it’s seen most acutely in areas likes fashion (very pumped Crocs are coming back,) movies (bring back 90 minute comedies that are actually funny,) food (I don’t care how much lead Lunchables have, they are fantastic) and sports (your stance on the great Jordan vs. Lebron vs. Jalen Brunson debate is decided entirely by when you were born.)

• And it makes sense. The ‘closest knit communities’ occurred were when we were 4-7 years old (much easier to make friends in kindergarten than in your 30s,) the ‘most reliable news’ was when you were not actually watching the news (ages 8-11) and the ‘best economy’ was when you were not actually paying for anything (ages 12-15.) You don’t know any better.

• Which is partly why there’s no better time to be a hater than the present. People point to thing like political division, unreliable news reporting, and crime as worse than they’ve ever been, while claiming the 2020s have the worst sporting events, which is false. They’ve clearly never watched Power Slap.

• However, the majority of people (across age, race, and gender) said that 2020s would be their preferred decade to live in. Personally, I’d pick the 1490s (I’ve let Shogun over-take my entire life and crave the sweet release of seppuku) but I get it. We got iPads, Skibiddi toilet, legal sports betting, and porn goggles. Andy Bernard was right: someone should write a song about this.

Pick your head up. Everything doesn’t suck right now. You’re just not 11 anymore.

NBA: Those 1,500 shots a night payed off for KAT (still calling bullshit,) who hits 4 threes to help the Wolves staved off elimination with a Game 4 win. Thank god, because the Finals don’t start until next THURSDAY. 

Fun fact: this was the first close-out loss of Kyrie Irving’s career (14-1 now.) Bring that sucker up with your boys tonight and sound like an absolute genius.

HOCKEY: Panthers tie series with Rangers at 2 with Rangers after Reinhart slaps one home in OT. We’ve got ourselves a series boys.

We need more on-ice camera people for fights like this. Electric city.

MLB: Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Angel Hernandez retires after 33 years of incompetence so astounding it has to be celebrated.

Braves’ Ronald Acuña Jr. tears ACL, will miss remainder of the season. That fucking sucks.

BOXING: Mike Tyson suffered ulcer flare-up on flight, still feels ready to fight Jake Paul on July 20th. What are we even doing here?

NFL: BREAKING: Mark Davis is NOT the father of dancer Hayden Hopkins’ new child. Sucks for her, he would be the perfect father.

COLLEGE BASEBALL: Birmingham-Southern College will close for good on May 31st, but their D3 baseball team is still playing in the College World Series. Can’t wait to watch this movie on Disney+ in 6 years.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

American dominance continues, as Abby Lampey takes 2nd cheese rolling title in 3 years. First the colonies, then Prince Harry, and now this. If the UK isn’t careful, we’ll steal funny accents and taking a reasonable amount of vacation next.

I have a newfound respect for the French, who will be pooping in the River Seine to protest the Paris Olympics. I’ve been doing this in the Hudson River for the past 10 years to protest my own existence. It’s almost working.

Someone check on Drake: Millie Bobbie Brown is officially married to the son of Jon Bon Jovi. Marvin’s Room is about to hit an all time streaming high tonight.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who from today’s news is most deserving of the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, Cameron Brink, who miraculously helped Shohei remember how to speak English without a translator.

FINDING THE MOVE | EPISODE 2

Man, I love this series from Bobby. Honestly, I hope he never finds the move so we can keep enjoying the pursuit. It’s always been about the climb.

Enjoying the journey as much as the destination? Could be the move.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• RIP to the legend Bill Walton, who passed away at age 71 after a battle with cancer. All time broadcaster, athlete and human. 

• Corporate cringe reached an all-time high during this Canva event. If I ever get access to a time machine, I’m going to kill Lin Manuel Miranda so this shit never happens.

• Our dream job? Being a trophy husband for a WNBA player.

• Read this on your lunch break: 19 hours inside the AirBnB X-Mansion.

• Really wish this South Park clip about the healthcare system wasn’t so accurate. This is why I haven’t gone to the doctor in 9 year

• Don’t let the Flinch hold you back in life.