The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/8

1. Stormy Daniels testimony gets spicy, as she describes Trump spanking her with a magazine while wearing silk pajamas. Officially convinced the pee tapes are real and I need them ASAP. For research.

2. Police investigate shooting outside of Drake’s house, potentially related to rap beef. Thankfully, Drake’s girlfriend was at junior prom that night and not injured.

3. Tik-Tok sues the US government for violating First Amendment with recent bill, delaying timeline of potential ban of the app. Yayyy more time to watch people’s cabinets fall off their kitchen walls in NYC : )

4. Kristi Noemi in more hot water from memoir, admits she fabricated meeting Kim Jong Un and conversations with Nikki Haley. She’s inhabiting George Santos’ spirit in his absence and I thank her.

5. We need to talk more about the 32 year old teenager. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first…a brief reminder that we are bringing back the monthly mailbag this FRIDAY, so make sure you get your questions in while you can (and check out April’s installment if you haven’t already.)

Submit your questions at the link below or just reply to this email directly.

Back to the news.

32 JUMP STREET?

This could easily be the con of the century.

Beginning in December 2021, 32 year old social worker and millionaire Shelby Hewitt impersonated DCF workers, created fake identities as students as young as 13, and enrolled in multiple high schools throughout Boston.

We covered this a bit on Monday’s newsletter, but as more details emerged, it seemed only fit that we do a deep dive.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• To execute her plan, Shelby would create fake emails as social workers for a variety of made up ‘troubled teens’ who struggled with anorexia. Shelby would then email as the fake social worker to enroll these fake teens into high schools in the area. Got it? Ok cool.

• Throughout her 2 year con, she attended 3 different schools, claimed to be a victim of human trafficking, and was even adopted by a set of foster parents, who had a worse experience with the adoption system than Stuart Little’s parents did. Come in for a child, leave with a mouse. I’d complain.

• Shelbs started as a 16 year old but really pushed the envelope when she created a fake persona as a 13 year old (!!) and joined a school where she made friends (what the hell did they talk about?,) submitted her homework (low-key was probably hard) and played on the basketball team (sick.) Look, if she averaged a double-double, it was honestly worth it.

• Shelby was finally busted after one of her fake social worker complained to the school guidance counsellor that Shelby was being bullied for “looking like an adult” and struggled with a condition that prematurely aged her (aka Benjamin Button disease/reverse Andy Milonakis syndrome.) This is the main reason I’d never do something like this: teens are super scary and mean. I’m steering clear.

• Throughout her entire experience, Shelby lived off a $1 million inheritance and worked her 9-5 job as a social worker for Boston. How the fuck did she have time for all of this? This honestly sounds like the B-story of a wacky sitcom episode.

Shelby has pled not guilty to identity fraud and claims that “the truth will come out.” Sorta feel like it already has, but I guess we’ll wait and see.

NBA: Rudy Goebert wins NBA DPOY the day after missing Game 2 of the Denver series for the birth of his son. Very interesting timing.

The “What a Pro Wants” brothers team up to take down the Mavs in Game 1, Boston makes light work of Cleveland without Porzingis and Embiid needs to pay reparations to Knicks fans after knocking out Mitchel Robinson for the rest of the season. Fucked.

NHL: All time whiff-job from Trouba here. I haven’t seen a self concussion like this since Gus Frerotte. 

The NHL lottery was absolutely rigged last night but who cares. San Jose just got the best player I’ve seen in years.

GOLF: Tiger and Rory’s new simulator golf league TGL announces their 6 teams and rosters for 2025, with a shit-load of big names. LAGC is stacked.

NFL: Chiefs WR Rashee Rice now a suspect in a nightclub assault in New Orleans, just one month after injuring 7 people in a car crash.

MLB: This Zach Edey first pitch might be up there with 50 Cent for WOAT. So bad, you almost have to admire it.

Tough to top this no-hitter jinx from the Dodgers announcer. Literally lasted one pitch.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Can someone flot me $49,391? I wanna hit the nightclub that requires men to have $50k in a checking account to enter but am a little short. I’m good for it.

Congrats to France for seizing the World’s Largest Baguette title from Italy with a 461 foot masterpiece. For context, that’s roughly equivalent to 461 Subway footlongs.

OSU commencement speaker said he took ayahausca to write speech that featured forced sing-alongs and a heavy Bitcoin focus. Sounds like a nightmare trip tbh.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on who from today’s news is most deserving of the coveted title of Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, Arizona D-Backs beekeeper, who became an overnight sensation after slaying bees and throwing out the first pitch.

WILL ANGUS FACES $60 OF WINGSTOP

Fantastic interview with America’s most prominent Crentis survivor. Wingstop was a crazy choice here, but no one’s perfect. Even Fringe Guy.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• My roommate went to the Met Gala after party and it was lit af. Plus, here was our breakdown of the top 5 best fits.

• Read this on your lunch break: The teens making friends with AI chatbots.

• Five years ago, Bartolo Colon hit the most impressive home run of all time. Anything is possible.

• Nikki Glaser’s uncut jokes from the Tom Brady roast are even better than the ones she used on the Netflix stream.

• Thank you Apple for symbolically crushing universal symbols of human creativity in your new iPad ad. Feels great in a world being taken over by AI.

• Are flying cars finally here? And more importantly, should they be?

• Stock up on Friday Beers for the weekend in NYC before they sell out. That would suck for you.