The Daily Friday: Wednesday 6/7

Can’t wait to rip ass on the person sitting below me in this new double decker airplane

• Bar Tab Winner

• LIV and PGA Merge

• Aliens are Among Us

• Blue Jays Are Glizzy Gods

• The Big Game

• What Else is Good

• Empty Netters Dominate NHL Media

• Iowa Football Sucks Ass

BAR TAB GIVEAWAY WINNER

Shoutout to Kyle Kapera, this week’s legendary Bar Tab Giveaway winner. He’s getting $131.45 back from a piano bar he crushed while also crushing his buddy’s bachelor party. Sounds like a sick and classy bachelor honestly.

ICYMI: we’re paying a subscriber’s tab every week this summer. Every person you refer gets you another chance to win, so hammer those referrals captain!

Now let’s hit it.

LIV CUCKS PGA

Lay down your swords. After nearly 2 years and a shitload of drama, the PGA and LIV tours are officially merging.

PGA guys that turned down hundreds of millions from LIV like Morikawa, Rory and Tiger (800 mil!) are fucking pissed, as is Chase Koepka, who will probably never get to play golf on TV again. Too bad boys. As the old saying goes, “the only thing that matters in the entire world is money and making as much of it as possible all the time no matter what.”

Plus, the LIV guys will be paying a fine to rejoin the PGA tour so it’s totally fair. A $100k fine in exchange for generational wealth is definitely copacetic and no one should complain about it ever again. Should be a reasonable next few months of discourse.

WELCOME ALIENS

It’s official. We are not alone in this world.

On Monday, a US intelligence whistleblower released documents to Congress proving the military found UFOs of ‘non human origin’ along with actual bodies of the pilots that they hid from the public.

This is extremely legit info. I would know, I write a newsletter.

We don’t know where the crafts are from but I’m betting it’s an advanced civilization that retreated underwater centuries ago. We’ve explored just 10% of the ocean and use only 10% of our hearts, so there’s a lot we don’t know. Also Melanie, I still love you.

We need to send our best of the best to greet the aliens and establish dominance. Here’s who we should trot out.

Beetlejuice: an incredible specimen. The best we on Planet Earth have.

Mike O’Hearn: the most naturally strong human I’ve seen.

Elvis: if you think he’s actually dead, you’re dumb. Let him wiggle the hips. Horny.

Hailee Steinfeld: the pinnacle of female beauty, but also the pinnacle of voicing cartoon superhero movies that hit #1 in the box. Two big traits for alien contact.

Lady Who Flips Plates on the Unicycle at NBA Halftime Shows: if this doesn’t impress the aliens, I’m not sure what will.

BLUE JAYS FANS ARE EATING HOT DOGS AT A STUNNING RATE

A very, very respectful tip of the cap to the people of Toronto for sucking down nearly 2 glizzys PER PERSON during the Blue Jays’ bi-weekly Loonie Dog Night. Massive respect.

NBA: Untrained eye is the new ‘you don’t know ball.’ Finals Game 3 tonight in Miami; rent check is on Heat +2.5. Lebron to the Mavs, confirmed. Ja Morant is now claiming it was a toy gun on IG live - sure bud.

NHL: Knights look to go up 3-0 tomorrow night; I’d bring the brooms out now. Full recap from the Empty Netters, who’ve been crushing it this entire playoffs.

MLB: Barry Zito joined the Savanna Bananas and plays guitar mid-game. DeGrom to get UCL surgery, could be back by the playoffs.

NFL: Lamar Jackson has great balls. Shoutout Colts CB Isaiah Rodgers for betting on hundreds of NFL games last year; one of us. Cleveland Browns players appear to be targets of a crime spree near their facility.

OTHER: Saudi’s continue to drop the bag, pay Karim Benzema $643 mil over 3 years to leave Real Madrid. LeSean McCoy allegedly replacing Shannon Sharpe? Future Red Flags Pod listener Shakira is an F1 girlie now.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Men are disgusting pigs. Natalie Portman’s husband cheated on her and I’m fucking pissed. She carried No Strings Attached and invented bisexuality in Black Swan; this is how you treat her?

• Apple’s new Vision Pro AR Goggles answer the timeless question: would you pay $3,499 for incredibly life-like porn? Why yes… yes I would.

• Pete Davidson went OFF on the PETA president via voicemail, saying “fuck you and suck my dick” which is exactly what I say when I see another ad for his Bupkis show… got ‘em!

• Austin Reaves is on a hot streak for the ages. Seen with Taylor after the Healy breakup, then Chalamet rocks his jersey in a viral clip? Dude should run for president.

• You can bet on the first ever Sex Championships in Sweden. I’ll be hammering Louie CK in the solo events, Johnny Sins for the couple categories and your mom in the BJ contest (layup joke… it’s too easy)

EMPTY NETTERS STANLEY CUP TOUR

Traditional hockey media has been shaking in their goddam boots ever since the Empty Netters boys got press passes. The game as we know it… has changed.

Once in JV baseball, I hit 6 batters in an inning. I only got 2 outs before we were 10-run-ruled and the game ended. I also threw 3 interceptions in the first quarter of a football game (only 1 was really my fault). Not to brag or anything.