The Daily Friday: Wednesday 7/12

Here’s what you gotta know to sound smart tonight.

• Elon vs, Zuck escalates after Musk calls for a dick measuring contest (can I judge?), Mark drops a shredded squad pic, and Threads passes 100 million users.

• Britney Spears announces memoir “The Woman in Me” will be released in October. The Wemby slap was a marketing stunt…respect.

• 20 THOUSAND people have already bought AMC double-feature tickets for Barbie and Oppenheimer (getting fire reviews) on July 21st. Are movies back?

• Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald fired after reports of hazing that was weird instead of cool. More details below.

• Federal mediators called in to avert SAG-AFTRA (fancy way to say actor) strike in Hollywood with contract deadline at midnight. Writer’s strike still on. We’re never gonna get good TV again, are we?

NORTHWESTERN HAZING GETS WEIRD

Everyone who’s been in a frat or played IM softball knows that hazing is fucking sick and a great excuse to see your boy’s penis in a chill way.

But at Northwestern football it got a little… not so chill. Leading to head coach Pat Fitzgerald’s firing Monday.

What Happened? Weird ass hazing since 2014

According to a report by a student newspaper, younger players would be subjected to definitely sketchy hazing acts like…

• Purge Mask: forced to run while restrained by a group of 8-10 upperclassmen dressed in Purge masks and then dry-humped. And while arousing… it’s weird.

• Carwash: upperclassmen would stand naked at shower entrances and spin around, forcing those who entered to rub against them. Wouldn’t this just hurt your dick instead of the other person?

• Slingshotting: player forced to strip naked and slingshot across floor with exercise bands. That actually sounds sort of fun.

What Did Coach Fitzgerald Do? Nothing. That’s the problem.

Fitzgerald allegedly knew about everything, including a “Shrek List” of players to be hazed that was in middle of the locker room. Always hard to pretend like you didn’t know about the giant, highly visible Shrek List.

Why It Could Get Ugly? He’s owed $42 million.

He was fired with cause, so won’t be seeing a dime. So he’s suing.

But even more nuts is that he went 1-11 last year as one of the HIGHEST paid coaches in college football. All of college football!

And then you think about the players getting forcibly cock slapped… just to go 1-11 too.

Anything Else Weird Going on at Northwestern?  Their baseball coach just came under fire for abusing players and bullying people off the team.

I thought Northwestern was a nerd school? Chill out guys. And read the full story here.

CHALAMET AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

My wet dream. Hugh Grant as an Oompa Loompa and Chalamet as Willy in the new Wonka trailer. Directed by the Paddington guy. LFG.

WHO TF IS STILL USING FACEBOOK

How is this still growing? I’m still pissed they took away Farmville. I was building an empire.

NBA: Wemby’s load already getting managed (and not by some hot chick) as Spurs shut down their #1 pick for the rest of summer league.

NFL: Finally, some football…Netflix’s Quarterback documentary with Mahomes, Cousin, and Mariota drops today.

Kadarius Tomey claims his Twitter was ‘hacked’ after DMing insults to female followers and ripping Daniel Jones in an audio recording of his voice. I don’t think people can hack your voice dude.

WIMBLEDON: American underdog Christopher Eubanks is #43 in the world, has never qualified for Wimbeldon and is playing in the quarterfinals today at 9:30 am EST. Let’s fucking go bud.

MLB: Vlad Jr wins HR derby but Adley Rutschman’s sister wins a place in my heart and Instagram explore page.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Burger King Thailand’s new “cheeseburger with no meat” is the perfect way to shit your pants. Boys trip to Bangkok?

How is anyone supposed to make money anymore? Judge rules that the woman who stole Lady Gaga’s dog cannot receive $500k reward after she returned the animal.

I’m fully Team AirBnB after seeing this sick listing in London. I pass out next to the toilet every Saturdays anyways, so this makes my life much easier.

Finally…a walkable city. I would love to die at sea on the new “Icon of the Sea” cruise ship from Royal Caribbean.

Good try Ms. Lipa. This outfit on the Barbie red carpet was cute but it’s not going to make us follow you again. Nipple.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Like every single party I go to…

I actually don’t know what this means but sounds important. Or cool. Either way that is wild. I think.

We’re always happy to be delivering you the news you need for the pregame.

Make sure you keep referring people for a chance to have us pay your bar tab, just like this week’s winner…COLLIN DARBY.