The Daily Friday: Wednesday 7/24

1. Secret Service head steps down after mishandling of Trump assassination attempt. Counting this as a W for Biden’s dog Commander. Life lesson: bite your enemies enough and they’ll quit.

2. Sharks test positive for cocaine in Brazil and it’s time to green-light Hollywood’s next sequel: Cocaine Shark vs. Cocaine Bear. I’m betting on the shark. They win that battle 9 times out of 10. 

3. Diddy implicated in Tupac murder case, as suspect says Combs paid $1 million to kill the rapper and prosecutors name him 77 times in docs. Couldn’t have happened to a worse guy 🙏🏻

4. Dept. of Transportation launches Delta investigation after thousands of flight cancellations and delays. We better all get free upgrades out of this. I wanna go Turtle mode in first class.

5. The Olympics start today. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

THE OLYMPICS HAVE ARRIVED

Finally: more sports to distract me from the horrors of my personal life.

With men’s soccer and rugby 7’s starting tonight, the Olympics are underway and the dog days of sports summer are officially over.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• The Opening Ceremony is on Friday, as hundreds of boats will ship athletes down the River Seines in the first outdoor opening ceremony in modern history. There’s a fuckload of celebrities on hand, including Snoop Dogg, who will carry the final leg of the torch (hope he doesn’t drop it like it’s hot) and Celine Dion, who’s getting $2 million for her first performance since announcing she has the ‘stiff-person syndrome.’ Horrible disease, but there’s gotta be a more medical name than that right? Feels like they just made that up.

• Speaking of the Seines, after months of controversy and poop protests, the river will be open for the swimming portion of the triathalon, pending E.Coli testing. Personally, I wouldn’t be swimming in any body of water that needs to be tested for human shit but that’s just me. I also can’t swim so that’s a factor too.

• The biggest addition to this year’s event list: ‘breaking’ aka break-dancing where competitors will be judged on 5 categories including ‘vocabulary.’ What’s next, a Poetry Slam? Let’s get Channing Tatum out there to show everyone how it’s done (PS: did the world really need 6 Step Up movies?)

• There’s tons on the line for Team USA, as Simone Biles and the gymnastics crew looks to avenge 2020’s silver medal, Katie Ledecky tries to become the most dominant swimmer ever, and the track team aims to set records. And of course, the men’s basketball team will shake off a slow start and try to make the rest of the world suck our dicks. Personally, I’m following Flava Flav’s lead and becoming a massive women’s water polo fan.

If you’re looking for any e-sports action, you’ll have to wait until a few years (congrats nerds on the IOC approval.)

NBA: I am selling all my stock on Wemby after seeing the first prototype of his new shoe. You can’t be a superstar and have shit like this.

MLB: Really, really tough look for the Guardians here on this play. Little League shit.

Well, it finally happened. Paul Skenes suffers his first MLB loss despite only allowing 2 runs in 8 innings. Sucks to suck bud.

CFB: I fully support SMU coach Rhett Lashee’s proposal to skip a coin flip and play a game of CFB ‘25 against FSU coach Mike Norvell for the opening kickoff. Please televise this.

NFL: Joe Burrow debuts his Slim Shady look while Bryce Young looks like he’s heading to his first day of middle school. Feels like 2012 again.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashes on side of highway in Illinois, reportedly was on the way to your mom’s house. Sorry you had to hear it from me.

If you’re like me and searching for the perfect place to get bit by a horse (NOT A SEXUAL THING STOP ASKING,) then get your ass to Buckingham Palace.

Truly incredible to watch the rebrand of Daddy Zuck. I can’t tell if if this means White Boy Summer is on or off. Hard to read, but I’m leaning yes.

If you see this video of an orca capsizing a boat and ever go near the ocean again, you’ve lost your mind. Same shit happened to my boy Captain Ahab and he was never the same.

HUMP DAY HERO

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Is this…the first happy ending in Almost Friday TV sketch history? You’ll have to find out the old fashioned way: clicking a link to watch it in your favorite daily newsletter that gets sent 3x a week. 

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Glue Guy broke down all of Nick Castellanos historic moment homers and it’s actually nuts (his first career HR was when we got Bin Laden??)

• Read this on your lunch break: the case for widening baseball foul lines. I’m sold.

• Shoutout to Gerald Ford for nailing this take on who the first female president will be in 1989. Bonkers thing to share with a child, but go off.

• The racist 1980s comedy The Gods Must Be Crazy was smash hit and an absolutely insane moment in history. Here’s how it all went down.

• Drill fights is my new favorite piece of content. Team DeWalt all the way.

• The Red Flags boys broke down the weekend in F1, including Oscar Piastri’s first ever win in an emotional Hungarian Grand Prix.