The Daily Friday: Wednesday 7/31

1. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeah killed in Tehran, as Hezbollah vows revenge against Israel. Can you guys not do this today? You’re ruining Harry Potter’s 44th birthday.

2. Boar’s Head recalls 7 million pounds of deli meat linked to a listeria outbreak. The gabagool is gabbagone 😔 Thank god Tony Soprano isn’t alive to see this (he died in the finale, everyone knows it.)

3. US Army’s $11M deal with The Rock did not lead to a single new recruit. Fine, I’ll step in. I’ve already mastered recruiting in CFB ‘25, how hard can this shit be?

4. France spends $500k on lobster dinner for King Charles, with a menu that included champagne-marinated chicken. At least the sausages were free, if you were willing to take a bite of his fat fingies.

5. Could Zoom calls win the presidency? LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

CHECKING IN ON THE HARRIS CAMPAIGN

To quote Ferris Bueller: the political news cycle moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss out on what the term ‘brat’ means.

It’s been just over a week since Biden stepped down and Kamala Harris began her campaign for president. A ton of shit has happened. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Kamala’s campaign has had a ton of success online, following last week’s meme blitz with Zoom calls that have proved to be a massive fundraising tool. Over $20 million has been raised and Zoom attendance records have been set, as groups like ‘White Dudes for Harris’ have gathered online. Pretty solid fantasy team name if you draft either Najee or Damien this year as RB2. Or the perfect fantasy punishment.

• This week, the Harris team and Democrats have found success by calling opponents like JD Vance and other radical conservatives ‘weird,’ an insult that’s effective mainly because it’s true. Conservatives have responded by calling Democrats ‘weirder,’ which you’ll have to assume will be followed by ‘I know you are but what am I?’ Here’s the thing guys: you’re all weird. Anyone who gets into politics is not a normal person: they’re a lizard/pedophile/alien in human skin. Let’s move on.

• At last night’s rally, Kamala pulled out all the stops, bringing Megan the Stallion on stage (can more elections be settled by twerking?) while challenging Trump directly, who was busy being asked by Fox News if he was gender fluid. Can we just get a debate out of these two already? The meme potential would be glorious.

• She’s expected to announce her VP pick on Monday, with betting odds favoring Sen. Mark Kelly (AZ) and Gov. Josh Shapiro (PA), though Minnesota Governor and former HS football caoch Tim Walz is making a late push. Politics aside, if you’ve won a football state championship, I will blindly follow whatever you tell me. Just a fact.

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OLYMPICS: France basketball pulls out last second win against Japan. Next time, let’s hope their players have a 18 inch height advantage instead of just 12.

USA gymnastics team dominates, as women take home all-around gold thanks to Simone Biles (life lesson: don’t talk shit to her ever) and men snag the bronze. Shoutout pummel horse dude. You rock brother.

BREAKING: the plane used to transport horses to Paris is called Air Horse One. No notes.

The only non-American I’ll be rooting for this Olympics is Luxembourg’s Ni Xia Lan, the 61 year old table tennis player who I really hope is single.

NFL: What happened to the game I love? League bans surprise onside kicks for upcoming season which means we’ll never see bangers like this again.

DJ Moore gets PAID, signs largest extension in Bears history. Just in time for tomorrow’s Hall of Fame game (can’t believe football is kinda sorta back. LFG.)

MLB: Hard to get more hardcore than James McCann taking a 95 mph fastball to the face and staying in the game.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Love is love. Female prisoner guard / OnlyFans star admits in court to porking inmate in his prison cell, could face a life sentence. Still worth it.

Karate kick of the year goes to this fella, who went full HI-YEAH! mode on a car in Miami. Mr. Miyagi would be proud.

Sydney Sweeney has announced that she will not stop doing nude scenes in movies and TV show. I have also announced that I will not stop watching these nude scenes. That’s called partnership.

HUMP DAY HERO

ZERO FROM HOLES DIGS INTO KRISPY KREME

One of my favorite interviews to date. Khleo seems like a genuinely good dude and I laughed out loud at the Shia reveal. Well done.

Honestly would support 60 for 60 fully pivoting into strictly former early 2000s Disney child stars. Everybody’s gotta have a niche.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This guy picked the worst time in the world to get ear surgery. Classic mix up.

• Loved this breakdown of Coke vs. Pepsi products in a 7 game, 5 on 5 hoops series. I’m hammering Coke and it’s not even close.

• Read this on your lunch break: they gave people clean heroin, cocain and meth. Was that better than the alternative?

• Damn, this new friend replacement ad is super depressing. Time to buy one for myself and feed it brain rot content until it explodes.

• Fuck Chalamet for having an incredible singing voice in the new Bob Dylan movie trailer. Save some for the rest of us, my guy.

• Not sure how to feel about Ballerina Farm and the Queen of the Trad Wives. Not sure how to feel about it at all.