The Daily Friday: Wednesday 7/5

Waking up to drag my ass to work today after a catastrophic 5 day bender.

• Joey Chestnut Is Our King

• Extremely White House

• Money or Love?

• The Big Game: NBA Contracts, MLB updates, Wimbledon Begins

• What Else is Good: New Twitter, Hunter Biden, Airplane Lady

• World’s Largest Gas Station

THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING OF CONSUMPTION

It’s not an exaggeration to say that Joey Chestnut saved America this weekend.

For a brief, yet terrifying stretch, it seemed like all hope was lost for our beloved hot dog eating contest due to inclement weather (everyone knows you can’t eat hot dogs indoors.)

That is until good king Chestnut rose to the occasion in magnificent form, rallying the eating community to battle the elements and compete like champions. He knew we desperately craved content this Independence Day and we wouldn’t let us go home hungry, Mother Nature be damned.

Of course, he pulled out the victory (#16th in his illustrious career) because that’s just what he does. But this victory was different. This one was for all of America.

We’ll never have another like him. Thank God you were alive to see him…you’ll be telling your children about him. 

COCAINE WHITE HOUSE

Fuck…I left my cocaine at The White House last week and the Secret Service found it. I was looking for that everywhere.

On the small chance this is NOT my cocaine, here are my top suspects.

Hunter Biden: Most likely not him. The cocaine would be finished.

Jackson Mahomes: somehow snuck his way into the Chiefs Super Bowl visit. Could explain his actions lately.

Well-Meaning Staffer Who Left It For the Ghost of JFK: it was the 4th of July after all.

My Boy Chris: He swings global cocaine markets.

If anyone has any leads on this case, send them my way so I can start a citizen’s search and seizure.

MONEY OR LOVE?

Idk how to feel about this chart. Like…no shit older people would take a low paying job they love. They’ve had 76 years to accumulate wealth. They don’t have to take a consulting job to afford dinner at a restaurant once a week.

Still inspiring though.

NBA: Damien Lillard formally requests trade from the Blazers. Dillon Brooks steals $80 million from the Rockets. Nova Knicks: New York signs top 10 white player, Dante Divencenzo, to pair with Wildcat teammates Jalen Brunso and Josh Hart #knickstape.

MLB: Mike Trout out for at least a month. This has gotta be the coolest walk-off dance ever. 31 HRs already for Ohtani…this dude is fucking insane. Acuna hits his career high in steals (38) before the All-Star break. This seasons is nuts.

OTHER: Wimbledon underway, US has 2 top 10 players for first time in 10 years.  Ricky Fowler won his first PGA tour event since bat soup created COVID in a lab in China (2019.) US takes home the gold in lacrosse…we truly are the greatest country in the world. Could Stephen A Smith be part of the next ESPN firing wave?

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Another week, another immaculate sketch from Almost Friday Tv. Ho-hum. The boys are on an all time run.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• I think I have a brain tumor.

• I guess men can’t have hobbies anymore? Hunter Biden in hot water for filming himself smoking crack and driving 172 mph to Vegas.

• Rick Ross has Derrick Rose knees. Pray for him.

• Believe Women. This lady on some Final Destination shit claims she saw an imaginary person in the back of her airplane and I believe her 1000%.

• This Colosseum brawl got a lot more interesting..days after Elon is forced to enforce user view limits, Zuckerberg announces the launch of Instagram text app Threads.

Everyone needs to go to Buccee’s before they die. Their merch wall is unmatched.

You know what’s fucking sick? We’re already halfway done with the week and it just started. Hang in there.