The Daily Friday: Wednesday 8/16

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Trump and Rudy hit with the RICOs, joining elite criminal company including Young Thug, John Gotti and FIFA. Dream blunt rotation.

2. Neymar signs with Al-Halil for $300 mil and a $500k bonus for every post promoting Saudi Arabia. I’d be spamming the feed so hard.

3. ‘Big Short’ investor has bet $1.6 billion on stock market crash. Luckily I have 0 dollars to my name and don’t know what a stock is.

4. Gender inclusivity win. Women are catching up to men in binge-drinking rates & alcohol related deaths. Welcome to the good life, ladies.

5. The Blind Side is a fucking lie…or is it? Tuohy family pushes back on Oher’s lawsuit, saying he tried to extort them for $15 million. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

BLINDSIDED OR BLACKMAIL?

Michael Oher and the Tuohys need to patch things up because I’m seriously getting some trust issues.

On Monday, news broke that Michael Oher, ex-NFL player and real-life basis for the book and movie “The Blind Side,” had petitioned a Tennessee court, claiming the Tuohy family misled him about his adoption when they really had him sign a conservatorship #freeBritney.

Here’s what we’ve learned since then.

• The family promoted and profited off of adoption for years, including speaking engagements and hosting the TV series “Family Addition.” Also, there’s the whole Oher “feeling like a part of the family and not a meal ticket” thing.

• Oher says he received no compensation from ‘The Blind Side’ movie, while the parents and 2 children each got a $220k bonus and 2.5% of net proceeds. He’s also upset he looks dumb in the movie but that’s not really their fault.  

• The Tuohys allege he tried to extort them for $15 million previously and this is a publicity stunt for his new book release. Honestly, it’s working.

• The family says they’ve split all proceeds evenly and were up front with Oher around the conservatorship. This little shit getting an even share pisses me off.

More details here, but this story seems like it may drag out in courts for months. I’ll update you guys if it’s interesting.

FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR HINGE SUCCESS RATE

A man on Reddit had the courage to post his stats from 4+ years of online dating and the results are pretty stunning.

4 years, 43k rejections, 298 matches, 2 dates and stood up both times. That’s impressive. Bro is redefining rizz and we celebrate that.

Boys, just think…all you need is one date to show up and you are doing better than most men. Perspective matters 🤝

NFL: Every day, we stray further from God’s light. Lions’ QB Tedy Bridgewater is now wearing number 50. Is nothing sacred?

Anthony Richardson named QB1 in Indy, can always fall back on his rap career if it goes to shit.

Jets sign Dalvin Cook, confirmed will beat the 49ers 31-21 in the Super Bowl.

MLB: Rays lose ace McClanahan to Tommy John surgery and Wander Franco to prison for dating a minor (probably.)

3x All Star and former Mets darling Daniel Murphy has officially retired from baseball after an attempted comeback and 38 games in Angels’ Triple A.

It’s been 2 days since this video came out and I haven’t stopped watching it for one second.

SOCCER: England knocks off Australia in Women’s World Cup semis, will face Spain in the final. I’m still so pissed the US lost.

Messi scored his 9th goal in 6 games, takes Miami to the Leagues Cup final. That’s video game shit.

I will never be this good at anything in my life besides maybe swallowing dip spit and oversharing with an Uber drive at 2 am.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Irina Shayk cut off her friends to be with Brady. And? I cut off my family to bet on him every Sunday in 2019 (sold precious heirlooms & grandma’s ashes for cash) and you don’t see me bragging about it.

Thank god Paris Hilton was able to enjoy her vacation in Maui as the wildfires burned and lives were destroyed. She needed a break.

She’s got my vote. Patricia Krentcil aka ‘Tan Mom’ is running for Senator in Florida. Weird, I have no idea why they call her that.

Zoey Deshanel is engaged to a Property Brother. Sidenote: can we have him and his brother fight the Oppenheimers for the Real Estate TV Twin Title? They would fuck those little bald boys up.

Absolute pussy hound Rupert Murdoch (92) seen vacationing with a new woman months after breaking up with his fiancee. He’s on that Logan Roy shit.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

The only acceptable hiring practice in today’s economy. Your net girth is your net worth.

PS - the video that this is parodying is actually insane. Dude says you’re fired if you don’t have a 6-pack. No one at Friday Beers would stand a chance.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Bradley Cooper wants that Oscar baddddddd.

• The full Planet of the Bass music video dropped and it’s a certified bop. Every man alive will be in love with blonde girl by Friday.

• The booming business of reverse shipping. 

• Do you guys like my song about Trump being indicted by the Rich Men of Richmond? Constructive criticism ONLY.

• Post Malone’s Tiny Desk Concert fucking ruled.