The Daily Friday: Wednesday 8/21

1. The DNC continues in Chicago, as the Obamas and the potential First Husband (dream job) delivered speeches last night. Meanwhile, RFK may endorse Trump and Theo Von gets the clip of the year.

2. J-Lo and Ben Affleck are officially divorced for the second time. Please join me for a candlelight vigil at Dunkin’ tonight. Wear black.

3. A British billionaire who beat US fraud charges is presumed dead after his yacht sank in Sicily the same week his co-defendant was fatally struck while jogging. Luckily the government is completely trustworthy otherwise this would be super suspicious.

4. Backyard Sports is officially back, as the franchise announces expansion into film, TV and new video games. First EA drops CFB, then this. We’re really gonna get a new MLB Slugfest before GTA 6.

5. A list of unattractive hobbies for men dropped. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first…a brief, yet powerful reminder: we have created the world’s greatest card game for your next pregame. Go snag it before it sells out. Bless you.

Back to the news.

I MAY NEVER GET LAID AGAIN

This is just a list of the coolest things a guy can do. A few thoughts here.

1) Magic tricks are not a ‘hobby.’ They are a way of life.

2) Sure, gambling is unattractive but if we rebrand it as ‘investing in sport-based outcomes,’ it’d be totally fine right? Eye roll.

3) Luckily, my CFB ‘25 Rutgers squad does not care about this list. They’re too busy going 8-5 in the Big 10 and winning the TaxSlayer Bowl.

4) Didn’t see dressing like a baby and asking to be held by Mama on this list. We’re in the clear.

5) Here’s a list of hobbies women have that I find unattractive: none. You are all beautiful creatures of God.

Look ladies: not everything we do is in an effort to attract you. Some stuff is just for us. Now, I’m off to infiltrate a cyclist Facebook group and harass the members for the next 9 hours. Don’t wait up, babe.

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MLB: There are pimp-jobs and then there’s what Francisco Alvarez did Monday night. All-timer.

Ben Joyce dialed it up last night, hitting 105, 105 and 103 MPH on consecutive pitches. Absurd.

Guardians beat the Yankees 9-5 in 12 innings in the longest game of the year. I blame ‘triples’ like this. Just some schoolyard bullshit right there.

CFB: OK State has announced that they will have QR codes on their helmets linking to their NIL fund. I’ll absolutely be tipping them if/when my parlays hit.

TENNIS: Top ranked Jannik Sinner tests positive for steroids, but will not face a suspension as ITIA determines the violations were unintentional. I’m using this excuse the next time I fail a drug test at work.

Respect to Bernard Tomic, who lost in the quarterfinals of an event and then showed up to the finals in disguise to mock the dude who beat him.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

A car crashed into a Chinese restaurant, the THIRD time that’s happened since it opened. At this point, that’s on you. You’re doing something wrong.

Love is illegal. Australian woman is charged after video of her performing a live sex act on a trout goes viral. Can’t believe a fish gets more action that I do.

The world’s oldest person dies at age 117. She lived through two pandemics, two World Wars, and 7 Step Up films. Superhuman strength.

HUMP DAY HERO

AVERAGEFASHIONBLOGGER EATS EREWHON

Love this direction that this show is heading. I will forever quake in my boots when I hear The Peanut Butter Man’s name. It’s enough to strike fear into any man’s heart.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Last chance to submit a question about literally anything you want answered in your entire goddam life for our next mailbag.

• Read this on your lunch break: the race to save our online lives from the digital dark ages.

• Maybe my brain is permanently rotted, but I’ll be honest: this Super Mario song goes very hard.

• Unbelievably hyped for this new, 2-part documentary on David Chase and the making of the Sopranos.

• Here’s where you can find the best sandwich in every state, according to Yelp. The fact that neither Town Hall Deli or Millburn Deli made the NJ list is an absolute travesty.

• Josh Jacobs was an absolute PROBLEM in high school. He could’ve killed several people in this video.