The Daily Friday: Wednesday 8/28

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1. Oasis announces reunion tour that could gross $400 mil, as Liam and Noel Gallagher put aside 15 years of feuds. Understandable. Even Cain and Abel’d squash beef for approximately one fuckload of money.

2. Zuck says he regrets caving to White House pressure to censor COVID content, including satire and memes. Dude wins one Jiu-Jitsu match and stands up to the US government. Love it.

3. Kelce brothers sign $100 million podcast deal with Wondery. If my future child wants to be a doctor or a banker instead of a podcaster, I’m disowning them on the spot.

4. Michigan refuses to let RFK Jr. remove name from the ballot after deadline passed. There’s only one way to fix this: leave a dead whale’s head in the Governor’s bed like the Godfather horse scene.

5. Rotten Tomatoes is finally embracing the audience score. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first…a brief, yet powerful reminder: we have created the world’s greatest card game for your next pregame. Go snag it before it sells out. Bless you.

Back to the news.

CERTIFIED FAN FAVORITES

Rotten Tomatoes announced a major change to their rating system that will more heavily weight audience score over critic score.

Rather than just marking films as ‘Fresh’ or ‘Rotten,’ movies will receive designations of ‘Verified Hot’ to ‘Stale’ based on verified audience reviews from people who purchased tickets.

Not only will this prevent review bombing, but will also highlight movies that people actually like to watch. Why? Because, fuck the critics. And also the site got busted for critics getting paid to review movies well.

Here’s Our Top 5 Fan Favorite Movies that Critics Hated

Tommy Boy: 39% Critic Rating, 90% Audience Score.

Probably the most quotable movie of all time. Repeating lines from this movie was like 85% of my personality growing up. Actually still is, now that I think about it.

Grandma’s Boy: 15% Critic Rating, 85% Audience Rating

This movie did more for the GILF community than any piece of art before or since. Thank you for your service Nick Swardson.

National Treasure: 36% Critic, 76% Audience Rating

Is this the only time Nic Cage has played an actual normal person instead of a completely unhinged maniac? And by actual normal person, I mean dude who steals the Declaration of Independence, but you know what I mean.

Super Troopers: 36% Critic, 90% Audience Rating

Brian Cox’s most important role ever and yes that includes Succession.

The entire Fast and the Furious franchise.

Everything you need to know about life can be learned by watching these movies. Friends. Family. Fast Cars. Film.

It’s like I’ve always said: not every movie has to be good to be good. Capeesh?

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MLB: Gotta hand it to umpire Scott Barry, who had an all time bad call (literally.) I’d rather be in the record books than not.

Alex Verdugo learns a valuable lesson: hitting is much easier when you’re not allergic to your batting gloves. The more you know.

No matter how bad your baseball team is, they’re still the best at something this year. The Cubs stat is the most Cubs stat of all time.

NFL: CeeDee Lamb gets a bag, signs deal to make him the second-highest paid non QB in the entire NFL. On behalf of Jets fans everywhere, I firmly believe Brandon Aiyuk should hold out until he gets the same deal.

Yesterday was cut day in the NFL which means next week’s Hard Knocks episode is going to make me cry. Why’d they have to do Austin like that?

NBA: To honor Lebron, I will be making my future son call me GOAT instead of Dad, both on and off the court. Hope you all understand.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Can someone take one for the team and pork this porpoise that’s so sexually frustrated it attacked 18 people? He just needs to get it out of his system.

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Man fired for pissing in hotel lobby blames bladder condition, sues company for $2 million. Absolutely using this excuse for my next public urination charge.

New fear unlocked: a Six-Flags ride in Mexico got stuck 243 feet in the air in the middle of a storm. That lawsuit money will create generational wealth.

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CHAD GOES DEEP ON $60 OF DEL TACO

Chad may have been a top 5 guest for me so far. A borderline concerning knowledge of the Fast and the Furious franchise is always enough to win me over.

PS: thank you for spreading ADN awareness Willy. Very brave. Almost as brave as that bronzer and highlighter combo, which I think is a keeper.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Really miss these fantasy football commercials from back in the day. Genuinely thought they were real and I’m not ashamed to admit that.

• Read this on your lunch break: 39% of Americans believe we’re living in the end of times (!) driving the price for doomsday bunkers way up.

• Let’s bring back some 1991’s slang please. I’m over rizz and skibidi and demure and all that. Hope it’s not too much of a Black and Decker.

• Speaking of trends, this breakdown of all the “Of the Summer” trends this year was very good. Finally feel up to date. Just in time for fall.

• Timeline Cleanse: enjoy 2 minutes of people trying to ride a tandem bicycle over a narrow bridge in the Netherlands for a Red Bull race.

• This article exploring psychedelic experiences that are wider than your brain blew my mind. My brain can’t really grasp it, but I’m trying.