The Daily Friday: Wednesday 8/7

1. Tim Walz selected by Kamala Harris as Democratic VP, immediately makes fun of JD Vance for fucking a couch. Off to a blazing hot start.

2. Judge rules that Google holds illegal monopoly over Internet search results. Please bring back Ask Jeeves. I miss you, old friend.

3. Elon declares war on advertisers, as Twitter files lawsuit against group of brands that pulled their ad dollars. Savvy move. I’m going to sue everyone who doesn’t buy our new card game.

4. Stock market is back up following Monday’s crash. Luckily, I don’t have any money at all so none of this affects me in the slightest. I invest in sure things only (live betting college lax overs.)

5. Pitbull is getting a stadium named after him. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

BTW: did you catch that super subtle advertising for our card game in bullet 3? If you didn’t, here’s something a little more on the nose.

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Back to the news.

PITBULL STADIUM

Yesterday, Mr. 305 and Florida Atlantic University (FAU) made a historic deal, granting the musician full naming rights for the stadium, along with tons of other cool shit.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• For $6 million, Pitbull will get to have his name on FIU’s stadium (can they host a bowl game called the PitBowl?) and his vodka company Voli 305 will be a preferred distributor at events. Truly never occurred to me to order a vodka at a football game, but I guess there’s that classic expression: when at Pitbull Stadium, do as Pitbull does.

• This will be the first college stadium to be named after a musician, which will almost definitely change once Taylor Swift gets word of this. I motion that we let Lil Dicky and Tity Boi name a stadium next. Really want to see the announcers have to say that on live TV.

• In exchange, Pitbull will also produce an anthem for the school (gonna be an absolute banger) and post 12 times a year on social media to promote FAU. Look, if you are picking your university based on a Pitbull post, college might not be for you. Can we exempt student loan forgiveness for anyone who enrolls at FIU from a sponsored Mr. 305 IG story?

Perhaps the most interesting wrinkle for the deal: Pitbull will get to use the stadium for 10 days a year, rent free. How will he spend those 10 days?

Here are some options:

1. Move in and recreate the Baker Mayfield Progressive commercials.

2. Lock 20,000 actual pitbulls in the stadium and see what happens. Would kinda be a sick documentary.

3. Recreate Squid Games but people actually die this time. Suck ass, Mr. Beast. Your shit was boring.

4. Host a music festival for other musicians named after animals. Snoop Dogg opens, Sheryl Crow gets a nice set, and Artic Monkeys closes. Call it like Electric Zoo Festival or something creative like that.

5. Mark his turf by cranking hog in every single seat of the stadium. At 20,000 seats, that’s 2k cranks/day. All time goon session.

HAPPY NATIONAL WELLNESS MONTH

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OLYMPICS: Snoop Dogg is being paid $500k/day to do his thing in Paris, and honestly, if we keep getting clips like this, it’s kind of worth it.

US Women’s basketball wins record 58th straight Olympic game, will look to extend streak today. Guess they didn’t need Caitlin Clark after all, huh?

MLB: Elly De La Cruz continues to defy the laws of human speed and base-running savvy. Easily the most electric man in the game today.

White Sox avoid history last night, knock off the A’s to snap an AL-tying 21 game losing streak. At that point, you almost want to lose and set the record right? Gotta make all the losing count for something.

Houston’s Framber Valdez loses no-hitter with 2 outs in the 9th after Corey Seager crushes a homer. At least he’s still the one of the only guys alive named Framber. Gotta feel good.

NFL: The Arizona Cardinals are introducing a new cotton candy burrito this season at their new stadium. Worth the diabetes.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Gotta respect Ben Affleck’s new look. That’ll show J-Lo that you’re totally fine and not affected by the divorce at all. Next step: start dating a 22 year old cocktail waitress and get really into collecting baseball cards and/or Fox News.

Ben Stiller said that ‘like every White Jewish guy, I wish I was black,’ on a virtual Kamala Zoom call. The Drake disses just keep on coming, don’t they?”

There’s never been a better time to crank hog in NYC subways than 2024, as public masturbation complaints rose 51% last year. Nature is finally healing.

HUMP DAY HERO

MTV JESSE HAS $60 of 7/11 SNACKS

Fantastic interview, absolutely insane food choice. 7/11 is a lot of things, but a hub for tuna sandwich and sushi it is not. Respect, though. Respect.

PS - loved the bit where a “fan” “crashed” “the set.” A+ stuff.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Bring back 1970s Soviet gymnastics high-bar routines. These shits were insane.

• Vince Vaughn explained why R-rated comedies aren’t being made any more. Can we please fix this @Hollywood?

• Read this on your lunch break: how Yelp changed everything.

• Loved this explainer video on why the 400M is the most painful track and field event. As someone who hasn’t sprinted full speed more than 40M in about 11 years, I’m pretty sure I could handle it with ease.

• As a massive Dan Hentschel, this may have been my favorite video of his that he’s ever dropped.

• How the ‘Slamming Door’ sound became embedded in hip-hop history. Great read.