The Daily Friday: Wednesday 9/11

Today marks the 23rd anniversary of 9/11, an event whose meaning has changed over the years. To those old enough to remember, it’s one of the most significant (and memorable) moment of their lives. To Gen-Z and the terminally online, it’s a meme. For the first responders who survived, it’s an ongoing health crisis that needs more funding.

We can all agree on one thing: let’s pray Joe Biden doesn’t get to this agenda item for today. That would suck. Ok back to the news.

1. Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl admits he is having a baby that will be ‘born outside of his marriage.’ Can’t believe Nick Cannon’s done that 13 times and never came up with that phrase. Respect to Grohl.

2. Princess Kate says she has completed chemo treatment six months after revealing her cancer diagnosis. Gotta be a huge sigh of relief coming from all the Tik-Tok conspiracy theorists.

3. Rupert Murdoch’s transition of power for news empire to his son is challenged by hedge fund in open letter to shareholders. I still haven’t finished Succession; no one tells me what happens next.

4. Fyre Fest II is a go, according to Billy McFarland, who says the event will go down in April with tickets going for up to $1.4 million. I believe him. Once I send my Nigerian prince some money, I’m buying a ticket.

5. Trump and Kamala had an all-time yap sesh. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

THEY’RE EATING THE CATS

I just hate to see these two fight.

Trump and Kamala got on the stage last night and talked about all the important issues: Haitians eating pets, performing transgender surgeries on illegal aliens in prisons, and the fact that Kamala grew up in a middle class household. Exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind. (PS: here’s a fact check on everything said.)

The real winner, as always, was everyone who got to consume from the firehouse of memes last night.

LET’S BREAK DOWN OUR FAVORITE MEMES

• I think Trump might have a new line of merch he can sell after last night: Pocket Neck Pussies. I’d use it in a pinch.

• Kamal’s biggest supporter last night wasn’t Taylor Swift (though I know Brittany Mahomes was pissed); it was the moderators.

• Really would not want to be Barron Trump showing up to class tomorrow at NYU. Hopefully he watched with his boys.

• I’m with Will on this one. Hard for me to understand anything if Spongebob and Sandy aren’t breaking it down for me.

• Personally going to be using Trump’s ‘concept of a plan’ line in every single work meeting for the rest of the year.

• Ohioans everywhere: please be on the lookout for RFK Jr. He is hungry and dangerous and already has a taste for pet. 

• It’s the sign of a healthy media ecosystem when both the Babylon Bee and the Onion’s tweets can be funny.

Kamala has already requested a second debate after last night. Pretty sure no one changed their mind last night and they won’t after a second one, but fuck it, I’m down.

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WNBA: Caitlin Clark is currently up 1-0 on Angel Reese in the only category that matters: corn mazes made in her image. I’m giving her the ROTY.

MLB: 🚨BENCHES CLEARING BRAWL IN PHILLY🚨 Pro Tip: don’t throw at Castellanos. Nothing good comes of that.

The A’s bunted 3 times in a row and scored 2 runs. High school coaches and Dads everywhere are cracking their knuckles and getting ready for an all-time lecture.

NFL: This Tyreek Hill body-cam footage did the impossible: it made Tyreek Hill actually look like the good guy in a legal situation.

Breaking news: DeShaun Watson is a bad guy. Put Jameis in NOW.

Christian McCaffrey fantasy owners need to unionize after the shit the 49ers pulled with Jordan Mason.

NBA: As a Knicks fan, I’m willing to admit this Joe Mazulla quote goes very hard.

We are underrating how funny it’ll be next season when Bronny and Lebron are on the same team. Need to be able to bet on this happening.

Trae Young says that if he was 6’8, he’d be the best player ever. Me too, man. And if my aunt had 2 DUIs, she’d be my uncle. What are we talking about here?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Royal Caribbean cruise returns to harbor after 9 months at sea. The fact that there was not a baby who was conceived and born during the course of this trip is representative of the complete decline in horniness across our nation.

Father of the year has gotta be this dad who was nice enough to let his son hitch a piggyback on his scooter. This kid is going to grow up with ZERO fear.

A bag of Cheetos left inside a national park disrupted an entire ecosystem. This better not lead to the evolution of master race of insects who look like Chester Cheeto and secrete poisonous cheddar. Dangerously cheesy indeed.

Australian Olympics breakdancer Raygun is now ranked #1 by the sport’s governing body. Weirdly inspirational. If she can pull this off, you literally have no excuse to not achieve your dreams.

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Massive shoutout to the crew from Almost Friday TV (directed by Tyler Falbo and featuring Chet Collins, Eilise Patton, Will Angus and Liam Cullagh), who helped make this Suki Waterhouse music video into a masterpiece. Not the crossover we expected, but the crossover we deserved. Thank you 🤝

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Gotta admit: I agree with this dad. 9/11 is a veryyyy tough birthday to have. Best to just push it back in.

• I know I keep sharing Paralympics clips, but this wheelchair tennis match was too good to pass up. I’m done now, I swear.

• On board with most of this ranking of Top 10 movie presidents but it’s missing one very important one: President Comacho.

• Read this on your lunch break: An Oral History of the Onion’s 9/11 Issue.

• Does the Michaelangelo painting in the Sistine Chapel contain a hidden message about the evolution of the human brain? You’ll have to ask him, but after reading this, I’m convinced.

• This Tik-Tok made me laugh. Sue me.