The Daily Friday: Wednesday 9/13

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. MANHUNT ENDS IN PA as escaped murdered is captured after 2 weeks on the run while wearing an Eagles hoodie. Extremely Common Philly Fan L.

2. Republican Speaker Kevin McCarthy wants to impeach President Biden because Hunter was cool as shit did crimes in Russia.

3. Being a Jets fan is hell on Earth. Aaron Rodgers out for the year after tearing Achilles and these Wisconsin fans are pissed.

4. Eventful VMAs as Taylor Swift brings home 9 awards, NYSNC reunited for the first time in 10 years, and well, that’s kinda it. Who watches this stuff?

5. The alien news just keeps coming. Here’s the latest.

CHECKING IN ON THE ALIENS

Less than 2 months after a ground-breaking UFO Congressional hearing, NASA has found signs of life on another planet and Mexico is confirmed chock-full of aliens. No, that’s not an immigration joke, they literally found alien bodies (or so they claim.)

Here’s what you need to know.

• On Monday, a NASA space telescope detected water on a planet outside our solar system, called K2-18b, which is 1000% going to be the name of Elon’s next child. Scientists believe there is an ocean on the planet, which would be soooo fucking sick to surf (I cannot surf.)

• The planet also contains DMS, a substance that is only produced by living beings. It is not the “X Gon’ Give it To Ya”rapper who faced several tax fraud charges. Easy to mix up.

• While this does not confirm life exists, it proves that the conditions necessary for life exist, which is the first such discovery on another planet besides Earth (that’s the one we live on)

• Then yesterday, during a public Congressional hearing in Mexico, scientists revealed ‘alien bodies’ that contain DNA incomparable to anything we have on earth. Yo whatttttt.

• The species has 3 fingers with bones similar to a bird (light, strong, good for holding meat that you can add buffalo sauce to for a delicious game day treat.) It also looks exactly like an alien.

If you no longer believe in alien life, please unsubscribe from this newsletter now. There is only room for true believers here.

THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH

@thebeautyofdata

Real rent price vs real household income since 1985 in the US #rentprice #realincome #thebeautyofdata

I genuinely do not understand how anyone who makes less than a million dollars a year is supposed to live in this country.

Luckily, I make well over 11 figures as a smut news reporter and topical meme creator so money is no object. I can tip my landlord double this year and not break a sweat. I just feel bad for the the rest of you normal people.

MLB: Matt Olson hits his 51st HR, tying Braves record set by Andruw Jones. Olson is great but until I see him doing this, he’ll never touch AJ.

Life imitates art. The actress who played the mom in Little Big League has a real-life son who made his debut with the Cubs this week. Wild.

This was ruled a hit. What is happening to this nation.

NFL: Jets safety Jordan Whitehead cashed his $250k incentive bonus after 1 game, as he hauls in 3 picks against Josh Allen, who fucking sucks now.

I could watch Brian Baldinger break down tape all night long.

ESPN’s Michael Kay accused Brian Daboll of holding a ‘huge party’ the night before the Giants loss to the Cowobys, which turned out to be a small gathering for his son’s 6th birthday. Sounds like a banger either way.

NBA: Rocket’s Kevin Porter Jr. allegedly attacked girlfriend and ex-WNBA player Kysre Gondrezick. Bad dude.

OKC pledges $900 mil for a new stadium to keep the Thunder until 2050. They couldn’t afford James Harden but they can pay for this? Don’t get it.

OTHER: Tiger is back. Probably. Maybe.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Stop pocket watching. Virginia House candidate criticized for performing sex acts on webcams with husband in exchange for money but I find it beautiful.

FDA finds that decongestant ingredient in popular cold medications ‘does not work at all.’ I’ll be calling out sick from work this entire winter, just to be safe.

Apple releases iPhone 15 with USB-C charger and camera upgrade, fails to fix glitch that shows texts to my ex as ‘not delivered.’

Who needs couple’s therapy when you can breastfeed your husband? This woman’s marriage has ‘never been stronger’ after she opened her mommy milkers up for business with her spouse and I found my new love language.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Honestly, slapped is an understatement. This one was art. These are no longer sketches, they are comedic short films and they should win every festival award in America.

Sidenote - can’t believe the boys got the Lil’ Dicky show girl in this one. She does not disappoint.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Hard to understate how legendary this man is. 

• The man who brought you Planet of the Bass has a new banger: “1960’s Bossa Nova Song.”

• Very much in agreement with this article on the uncomfortable artificiality of ‘Welcome to Wrexham.’

• You are not prepared for how much sugar Boosie puts in his spaghetti.

• Who deserves to eat at Noma? Definitely not me.