The Daily Friday: Wednesday 9/18

1. Diddy arrested and denied bail in NYC, faces sex trafficking and racketeering charges tied to ‘freak offs’ hosted at his home. Give him one year for every bottle of lube and baby oil found in his home: 1,000. 

2. 9 killed and over 2,700 injured as pagers owned by Hezbollah were remotely exploded by bombs, allegedly by Israel. That’s some Jason Bourne shit. Good thing I don’t carry an easily hackable phone on me at all times.

3. Apple launches feature that allows users to lock others from viewing certain apps. Cool tech, but everyone knows the best way to distract your girl from going through your phone is to go full mannequin mode.

4. Mr. Beast, Logan Paul and KSI launch Lunchly, a Lunchables competitor featuring all their products. Finally a meal to enjoy while listening to the Tawk Tuah podcast and watching Baby Gronk highlights. Thank you 🙏🏻

5. Chipotle introduces new robots that will help cut avocados to make guacamole. Fine. As long as they don’t call the cops when I steal an entire suitcase of napkins and silverware for my apartment, we can be friends.

WOMAN BREAKS UP WITH PLANE

If these two can’t make it, what chance do any of us have?

Last week a woman in Germany broke up with a plane she had had a ‘sexual relationship’ with for 9 years. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• In 2014, a warehouse worker named Michele Kobke began her erotic affair with a Boeing 737-800, which she called ‘Darling’ and described as ‘very attractive and sexy to me,’ particularly his winglets. Honestly, I kind of see it. He’s a damn good-looking plane and I’m comfortable enough in my sexuality to admit that.

• At first, the relationship was hot and heavy, as Michele would visit the plane to stroke his wings and ‘immediately get sweaty palms and excited,’ even making plans to ‘marry my sweetheart and live with him in a hangar.’ Can you blame her? That’s the American dream right there. Who cares if she lives in Germany?

• However, in the past year, their cross-species (is this the right term??) relationship began to suffer, as the very differences that once drew them to each other began to push them apart. Michele said: “a relationship with a plane is not easy” and “I can only get close to him when I fly with him or when I can get to him in the hangar.” Women say then want a man with a career but then get mad when he works all the time? Make it make sense 😔

• The two have broken up and are now ‘just friends,’ which is mature but extremely naive. Exes can’t be friends. Especially once the plane finds out she’s now dating someone new: Knights Armor. Plane, if you’re reading this, here’s my advice: just block her on IG, drink heavily for like 8 straight years, close yourself off emotionally to every woman you ever meet and you’ll get over it. Worked for me.

• As an ‘objectophile,’ Michele finds objects attractive and is one of 40 of her kind the world with this sexual preference. Make it 41. I saw an extremely shapely candle the other day and I think I’m ready to get hurt again.

ALMOST RIKI’D

Riki is our new favorite canned mixed drink, Soon, it’ll be yours too. 

Here’s two main reasons:

1. Riki Gets You Drunk: Each drink is 7% ABV, giving you way more bang for your buck. If you’re not a math guy, that’s equivalent to 1.5 shots per can, 2.5 shots per tall boy, and 1 bottle of alcohol per 12 pack. That’s 55% higher ABV than High Noon! Pretty damn good. 

2. Riki Tastes Delicious: Riki’s made with award-winning Breckenridge Distillery spirits (vodka and tequila) and is chock-full of all-natural fruit juice in every sip. Scrumptious. 

So, what are you waiting for?

MLB: If you’re going to get ejected, you might as well make it worth it like Jose Altuve did.

Shohei hits his 48th HR, is just 2 HRs and 2 SBS short of 50-50. Maybe he should just stick to hitting full time?

You’re not going to see a dumber play than this Mariners player trying to steal home on a 3-0 count with the bases loaded and 2 outs.

NBA: I’m not sure whose retirement I’m more upset about: Boban (leaving for Turkey) or Woj’s (leaving ESPN to be the GM at St. Bonaventure.)

NFL: Still think that Belichick’s not pissed off he didn’t get the Falcon’s job? Just listen to his MNF appearance.

How is anyone supposed to field a fantasy team under these conditions?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

HELL YEAH BROTHER: Brazilian mayoral candidate goes full Hulk Hogan mode and smashes chair on candidate during debate. Hit ‘em with the People’s Elbow next time.

Man splits his penis in half after motorcycle accident but says it has ‘improved his sex life.’ Fuck it, time to chop mine off completely. I need all the help I can get.

Shoutout to the 8 year old girl who stole her parent’s car, drove to Target, spent $400 and was drinking a Frappuccino when cops arrived. As long as she used her Target card and got 5% off all purchases, I see no issue here.

Man breaks into a Corvette, gets trapped inside and has to beg owner to let him out. Good for him. Us guys gotta stick together, even if we’re stealing each other’s shit.

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SNEAKING INTO A FRATERNITY

It’s that time of year for another Friday Beers college tour with the fellas (we’ll be in Ann Arbor this Saturday at Rick’s Cafe.) Let’s throw it back to one of our OG college videos. All time classic.

HUMP DAY HIPPO

By popular demand following our first Moo Deng Monday, we are introducing a new segment and animal mascot of the newsletter: the Hippo.

Today’s entry: An Extremely Historical Hippo

This is a photo of one of the first hippos to ever be in an American Zoo. Look how blissful he is. I hope you all find that peace today. Namaste.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The trailer to Cillian Murphy’s new movie Small Things Like This just dropped and it looks insane.

• Might be wrong but this psycho kid from the 1960s is kind of the man, right?

   

• Read this on your lunch break: we play with dolls, then they play with our minds.

• Fell down a rabbit hole after watching this video about the “Hum,” a low frequency sound heard by just 2% of the world. Kinda wish I could hear it: I’ve never been in the top 2% of anything in my life.

• How the Emmy’s tried to make sense of TV content overdose.

• PSA: Romania’s Tik-Tok is becoming an absolute must follow.