The Daily Friday: Wednesday 9/27

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Pack your bags kids, tourists are now allowed to enter North Korea. No word on if they’ll be allowed to leave but that’s a future problem.

2. NYPD will now be using robot cops at the Times Square subway station. We spoke to a human cop about it.

3. Donald Trump and his sons found liable for fraud in NY after inflating the size of their penises the value of their real estate holdings.

4. Writer’s strike officially ends and the late night talk shows (Kimmel, Fallon, Colbert, etc.) will return as early as Monday. I’m still waiting for Hollywood to bring back The Man Show.

5. Cher reportedly hired 4 men to kidnap her adult son. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PARENTING 101

Move over, Kris Jenner. Cher is the new standard in celebrity parenting.

In a court case raised by her son Elijiah Blue Allman’s estranged wife Marie King, Cher is being accused of hiring 4 men to kidnap her adult son in a hotel room in November 2022.

Here’s what you need to know.

• King and Allman had been estranged for months but were staying in an NYC hotel room for almost two weeks to sort through issues and probably bang a bunch.

• On November 30^th , the night of their anniversary,  4 men barged into the hotel room and removed Allman. That feels like a 2 man job, but what do I know.

• King is claiming Cher organized this to make sure they didn’t get back together. Honestly, I have a couple exes where I wish my parents had done something similar. Little kidnapping could’ve saved everyone some trouble.

• After Allman was removed from the hotel, he entered a rehab facility after a series of concerning photos of him emerged from LA hotel Chateau Marmont (where John Belushi OD’d.)

• Allman, whose father is rockstar Gregg Allman, started taking drugs when he was 11 and has struggled with addiction his entire life. I’m actually starting to be on Cher’s side here. Gotta do what you gotta do.

THE ONLY CHART YOU NEED AGAIN

Thank god horse tranquilizers and cigarettes made it to the top of this horseshoe. I’ve been stuck in the Trader Joe’s pre-packaged purgatory for years and need to claw my way back. Starts today.

MLB: The Cubs will always Cub. This play cost them the Central.

Phillies walk it off, clinch wild card berth thanks to Johan Rojas’ basehit in 10th. Can’t wait for them to lose in the World Series again. City of runner-ups.

Braves hit 300th team HR, close in on MLB single season record of 307, Adam Wainwright says he’s thrown his last pitch and this M’s fan chucked a ball back to their own pitcher. Lmao.

NFL: After fielding offers from Kaepernick and Carson Wentz and being rejected by Matt Ryan, the Jets have found their QB savior: Trevor Siemian.

Tyreek Hill wants to be a pornstar when he retires. Will that speed translate to the bedroom? Let’s hope not.

This Mike Evans catch on Monday night was legitimately insane. How he do that?

NBA: Toronto Raptors are reportedly the top contenders in the Damien Lillard sweepstakes. Can this shit just end already? Kinda over it.

Ben Simmons expected to be back at full strength this season. Not sure how he’ll top last year’s historic performance.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Emily Ratajkowski won’t date men who wear ankle socks. Luckily she didn’t mention anything about Cool Ranch Doritos mid-calves, so I should in the clear.

Everyone Venmo me ASAP. I just booked us the Shrek Swamp AirBnB in Scotland for a boys’ trip and it’s gonna fucking rock.

Turns out me and Julia Fox actually have a lot in common: neither of us have had sex with Kanye but would be open to it. Just two peas in a pod.

If you don’t get an email Friday, just know that it’s because I won the $1,000 “Laziest Citizen” contest in Montenegro and sailed off into the sunset with my fortune. It’s been a good ride everyone 🤝

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Legitimately laughed out loud at this one while I was listening to the pod. This character is a little too relatable to my personal life in a way that makes me uncomfortable. But that’s what makes great comedy.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• GQ feature on Scorcese is a great read (behind a paywall, so read it on a private browser.)

• Long video, but very interesting take on randomness and chaos in the universe.

• RIP Brooks Robinson, 16 time Gold Glove Winner. His best defensive plays.

• The guy doing the Travis Kelce impersonation is EATING lately.

• Man shits himself on roller coaster, spraying people on the ground. You kinda have to off yourself after that right?

• Christian McAffrey had more swag as a 4th grader than I do right now.