The Daily Friday: Wednesday 9/4

1. US Open dominated by Americans, as Tiafoe and Fitz face off in the semifinals on the men’s side and two billionaire daughters advance for the women. Finally, we have a sport we can actually compete in.

2. Disney and DirectTV continue standoff, as customers lose access to ESPN, ABC and FreeForm just in time for NFL, the presidential debate and the 31 Nights of Halloween. Fix it, suits. Or I will (I won’t.)

3. NASA astronaut reports ‘strange noises’ coming from Boeing starliner spacecraft. Get over it, dude. First you want to come home on time and now you’re scared of ghosts/aliens? Such a complainer.

4. Dow up 200 points following yesterday’s massive drop, the worst of the past month. If you can’t tell, I listened to one finance podcast and now fully get the stock market. Love a get rich quick scheme.

5. Are Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift a PR relationship? LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

IS LOVE EVEN REAL ANYMORE?

Is these two can’t fake-make it, then what chance do any of us have?

News dropped this morning from my personal favorite news source (the Daily Mail) that Travis Kelce’s PR team has hired lawyers after a fake ‘contract’ went viral that claimed to have the exact end date of his ‘staged’ relationship with Taylor Swift.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

Over the weekend, a Reddit user posted a document on the letterhead of Kelce’s PR firm that implied his relationship with Taylor was fake. It featured a plan for them to move on ‘amicably’ (J-Lo clearly didn’t sign one of these. These pics were cruel) after they broke up on September 28, which also happens to be the same day as my buddy Carl’s birthday bar crawl. Not entirely related but I know he’d appreciate a HBD text.

Travis Kelce’s PR team has insisted the document is entirely fake and I believe them. What could Travis Kelce possibly have gained from a fake relationship with the world’s biggest pop star?

A $100 million podcast deal from Wonderey? A role in an action movie and like 200 commercials? A chance for me to take him seriously as a player and add him to my fantasy roster in the third round due to savvy draft strategy? Opportunities like this come from the big man upstairs, not staged PR relationships.

Here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter if their relationship is real. Most things in life are fake. Politics, celebrity relationships, the Chase infinite money glitch, “women” I “meet” online and give my money to, Snapple facts, Incognito mode (your employer can still see the porn you watch at work btw.) Just enjoy the ride. We are all going to die anyways.

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MLB: Angels pitcher Ben Joyce hits 106 on the radar gun last night, good for the third fastest pitch of all time. Goodness gracious.

Kyle Schwarber goes yard 3 times, including a go-ahead 3 run jack in the 9th to lead the Phillies to the W.

If you’ve been asleep at the wheel this season, lock in with this guide to the MLB award races so you can sound like you know what you’re talking about at the bar.

HS FOOTBALL: This fake punt play call is genius. Some real schoolyard bullshit.

NFL: If this whole Detroit Lions head coach thing doesn’t work out, Dan Campbell has a very bright future as a commercial actor. Follow your dreams, Dan.

One more sleep until Ravens vs. Chiefs. LFG.

PARALYMPICS: Have I been sleeping on the paralympics? This badminton point was insane, but it doesn’t hold a candle to this dude who plays ping-pong with no arms.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Entrepreneur cuts sleep down to 30 minutes a day in an attempt to be more productive. Hopefully one day he’ll free up enough time to get some sleep.

Imagine Dragons will be first band to have a song broadcast from the moon. Great, now the aliens will think we’re awesome and try to attack us out of jealousy🤦‍♂️

Man chugs 24 oz of ranch in 10 seconds to win weekly all-you-can-eat wings for a year. Actually seems completely worth it. Ranch is scrumptious.

HUMP DAY HERO

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• If you thought your fantasy punishment was bad, at least you didn’t have it as bad as this dude. That’s what you get for trading Puka.

• I’m just now learning that there is an entire genre of Trump-Kamala duets on the Chinese Internet and considering a move to Beijing.

• Read this on your lunch break: the heiress at Harvard who helped revolutionize murder investigations.

• Belichick breaking down Walter Payton’s tape from his college all-star game is exactly what I needed get me over the hump of the week.

• Don’t forget to snag the Almost Friday card game at Target and take your pregame to the next level. You won’t regret it.

• The complete history of dudes getting this dicks crunched in horror movies.