MONTHLY MAILBAG | AUGUST

Welcome to our fourth edition of the monthly mailbag (catch up on them all here.) If you didn’t get your question answered, I’m deeply sorry. Feel free to blame it on me. Or look inward and make some much need personal change. Or, just ask again for September. Up to you 🤝

What cigarette is superior? i.e. slightly buzzed cigarette, cigarette after you jack off for the third time that day, after chicken parm, etc. - Ryan

There’s a lot of incredible cig moments out there: cigs in a casino, cigs inside any house that’s not yours, cigs with a homeless guy (give him 3,) cigs with a hot girl you who’s just using you for your free cigs, cigs on a rooftop overlooking your empire, cigs you stole from your teenage cousin who can’t snitch on you because then he’ll get in trouble, etc.

Drunk cigs are close to that top spot, but if you’re not a consistent smoker, they can be volatile. Before you know it, you might get the spins, shart yourself, or do both at once.

Winner has gotta be the cig that comes post-big-meal (ie chicken parm.) Nothing is better for settling the stomach and resetting the body as a whole. Plus you get a little fresh air to wake you up? Tough to beat that.

I’d also like give a quick shout to the post-sex, lying in bed with a forbidden lover cig. Never personally done that but it looks really cool in movies.

Fellas, I’m over working the corporate 9-5 job….what’s the next best option for a career that my mom will still be proud of me for? - NM

You came to the right place. I spent the first 7 years of my life after college working in Corporate America and hating every second of it. After a lot of work and luck, I was finally able transition into a career I liked. So, I get it.

Here’s something to keep in mind: your mom will be proud of you if you’re proud of you. Unless she’s like an evil person, which would suck.

Unfortunately, the only person who can figure out what would make you proud is you. Which blows, but that’s life. Take advantage of having a job that pays you well and you don’t care about to spend your free time figuring it out.

If you don’t want to look inward, just go to law school. You can spend $150k to get your parents off your back and delay your decision on what to do with your life for like 3 more years.

Top 5 ranking of best things to do with your boys in the fall? - Jordan Stockage

Perfect question to ask this Labor Day Weekend, as we say good bye to summer and welcome the superior season of the year.

Here’s what I got for you.

5. Peep Some Fall Foliage: don’t be too cool for some leaf-looking. This will make for a genuinely wholesome and contemplative Saturday with the boys. No one’s above that.

4. Throw a Halloween Party: nice way to get some ladies in the mix. Plus, the perfect excuse to pull this costume out of the closet. This is the year people will finally think it’s funny.

3. Anything Oktoberfest related: need full commitment. Rock liederhosen, drink beers with names you can’t pronounce from mugs you need two hands to hold, eat schnitzel, etc. It’s not cultural appropriation if the other culture is white. Pretty sure.

2. Have A Friendsgiving: Yes, most of the crew will show up with a pizza or Taco Bell. That’s fine. Tonight is about the one dude in the group who knows how to cook. Usually, it’s annoying when he goes grill-master mode but just for this once, stand back and let him cook (literally.)

1. Tailgating: tossing the pigskin in the parking lot while polishing off your 9^th light beer of the morning as your buddy’s ‘Tailgate SZN’ playlist bumps from his shitty Bluetooth speaker is what God had in mind when he created humans (or the evolution that led to humans being created. Not getting into a creationism conversation right now.)

 Maybe I’m a hater, but the following things do NOT do it for me in the fall:

Apple picking: just buy them at the store??? I’m not paying to do manual labor.

Pumpkin picking: you will bring it home, forget it’s there and only remember it weeks later after it rots and stinks up your apartment to high heaven. Pass

Hay rides: bumpy, smells like shit, itchy, doesn’t go fast enough to get your blood pumping, no real point tbh.

Corn mazes: I’m afraid of getting trapped, hitting my head and dying in there. Dead serious.

I am 22 years old, just out of college and still have a Friday Beer flag hanging in my room. Is it time to grow up? - Trey

No sir. Not at all. And I’m not just saying that because my salary and health insurance is riding on people like you continuing to purchase our shit (everything is 30% off this LDW btw if you even care.)

I’m saying this because you’re 22, not 32. Don’t be so quick to grow up. There will be a time in your life for charcuterie boards and throw pillows and candles that smell like coconut or whatever. But it’s not today. Hold on for as long as you can.

This applies to framed sports jerseys, paintings of Tony Soprano, flourescent beer signs, etc. You are not too old for these until it stops you from getting laid. Then maybe chuck them.

Ok, let’s hit some rapid fires

RAPID FIRES: 

Fuck, Mary, Kill: Lebron James, Royce Du Pont. Sydney Sweeney, but Sydney Sweeney has the face of Walter Cronkite. -Attie

Fuck Sweeney with Cronkite’s face (he kinda cute tho 👀)

Kill Lebron James, but would hammer the under for the Lakers season win total beforehand. Sorry Bron but I gotta make rent.

Marry Royce DuPont. He is physically incapable of being fucked or being killed, so it’s marriage by default.

Who is the man behind these emails? Are you guys a team? You guys should be shout out for giving me something to read during these long ass work hours - Jimmy

It’s just me, Jack. Thank you for the shoutout but I reject it. It is my solemn duty to mine the dark tunnels of the web to deliver only the dankest memes and most insane news stories to you all. I don’t do it for the praise. I do it out of love for all the subscribers, who I’d die for without hesitation.   

In return, all I ask is to be nice when I make typos or send the email super late because I woke up more hangover than I planned. I’m just a man. Oh, and also if you could click every ad so we can make money and I can keep my job, that’d be sick. Bless you.

I got asked to join a fantasy football league in my office but all of the other people in it are the top execs of the company aside from this one other guy (his Dad is a VP). Should I join it knowing I will most likely take it too seriously and talk shit to the most important people in my company or nah? I only got one speed and it's championship or bust. - Chris

Yes, absolutely join this. This is your chance to actually have something to talk about with people who matter. At work, you just need like 2-3 inside jokes with someone to be close. This is your chance to do that.

Is it true that any woman can squirt? - Anonymous

I don’t know, man, and I don’t really care. I blame porn for people thinking that shit like this matters.

Here’s the thing: no matter how insane or freaky you get, the only way to have really good sex is to do it with 1) someone you really love or 2) someone you really hate. Or with your boss’s mom. Ideally it will last like 35 seconds and give you plenty of time to get on with your day. 

On that note, have a good weekend 🤝 🤝