MONTHLY MAILBAG | JANUARY

Welcome to our latest edition of the monthly mailbag (catch up on them all here.) If you didn’t get your question answered, I’m deeply sorry. Feel free to blame it on me. Or look inward and make some much need personal change. Up to you 🤝

Tips for working in an office while hungover? Lowkey might die here. -Billy F

Glad you asked. As a professional hangover-haver, you came to the right place.

Let’s start with my #1 tip: don’t be late or look like shit. This is for 2 reasons.

1. You are not mentally equipped to deal with conflict right now

The last thing you need in your weakened state is to get chewed out for missing a meeting or drawing any sort of negative attention to yourself.

2. You need a win early

Have you ever read that book “Make Your Bed”? Me neither, but I read the Wikipedia page about it and it’s a pretty simple concept. The theory is that if you start your morning by accomplishing one simple task like making your bed (which actually isn’t that simple if you live with a woman and you have like 15 pillows and weird duvet things that have very specific way they need to be arranged but whatever) you’ve created momentum and structure and set yourself up for a day of productivity.

You are not going to be very productive today but taking a shower, getting to work on time, and wearing a collared shirt are easy wins that will fix your mindset, shake you out of your hangover doldrums and get you on the right track.

Outside of that, here are the remaining things you should do to survive today.

Step 1 – get your sustenance in (Water, Coffee, Food)

Step 2 – get your poison out (take 3 -4 messy shits)

Step 3– find your nap window (recommend your car or the lactation room)

Step 4 – push everything until tomorrow

Godspeed, brother.

This flavored condom has been staring me down all week, do I say fuck it and chew that shit like bubble gum? - Anonymous

I think you got to, man. Life is meant to be lived. It’s a big buffet and you need to at least try every cuisine at least once. Metaphorically and also literally.

Sure, the condom probably tastes horrible, but there’s no loss there. It’s not like condoms were part of your current snack rotation (hopefully.)

But what if that condom tastes delicious? What if the taste of banana and latex is the perfect combination of flavor that you’ve been chasing for years? You’re depriving yourself of a life-changing treat just because you’re scared? Don’t be afraid of life.

You can’t spend the rest of your life wondering. Chew that shit up. And let me know what it tastes like. I’m in the market for a new treat.

Heading on my first bachelor party this weekend. - Anonymous

Didn’t really phrase that one as a question, did you Anonymous? But I’m assuming you’re looking for some tips or advice. Here’s what I got.

It might be obvious, but top #1 rule is it is all about the groom. Your job is to be a supporting character that elevates the weekend, not the guy who takes over and pisses everyone off. Think Mike Conley Jr., not Julius Randle.

So don’t be the guy who’s pushing everyone to go to the strip club if that’s not the vibe at all. Go crank some stick if you’re really that horny, amigo. But don’t be a fucking buzzkill if people are trying to get fucking nuts. Just read the room.

Other quick tips:

• Always get the early flight home. Pay more for the direct flight if you need to.

• Drink water constantly. You should be drinking more than Brooke Shields in 2023. Recovery is a weekend long challenge and you need to stay ahead of it.

• Groom pays for nothing.

• Help out once in a big, public way so you can then be a piece of shit the rest of the weekend.

  • For instance, if you’re up early Saturday morning because your body won’t stop vibrating after you drank 11 Red Bull-Jamesons and snorted half of Colombia last night, do a living room/kitchen clean up. Doesn’t have to be a deep clean just throw out the cups and wipe the counters. Everyone will wake up and be like “wow dude this place looks great. Feel free to puke in my bed tonight.” W.

  • Or you can grill. Everyone likes grill guy.

• Do NOT dress up in themed costumes or shirts or whatever. Unless it’s really sick.

• Don’t over-program with too many events. It’s expensive and people get exhausted by night 2.

  • The most fun moments usually are drinking around the AirBnB and then reminiscing while hungover the next morning anyways.

Sidenote –  why does every movie have the bachelor party the night before the wedding? When has that ever happened? A bachelor party requires at least a 3 days recovery period. Why would you want to be that hungover for your wedding? I would recommend NOT doing that if you’re a groom.

Who ya got: real vs fake tiddies?

All things being equal, I always go real. Every time. But if you’re asking me to pick between a perfect pair of fake tits and these suckers, I’m obviously going fake.

Generally, I’ll follow AP-inflation GPA rules and give an extra 1 point bump to any knockers just for being real. So if we’re looking at a B+ pair of real mommy milkers and an A- set of fake ones, the real ones get the nod. Make sense?

Look, all fake tatas are kinda the same. All real ones are unique. Each aerola is a beautiful snowflake, each blemish its own fingerprint. Perfection pales in the face of natural and it always will.

Unless the fake ones are like this. That’s an incredible feat of science and needs to be respected.

Ok, let’s hit some rapid fires

RAPID FIRES: 

Why is my washing machine leaking? Jimmy

Ohhh look at me, I’m rich and have a washing machine in my apartment. Fuck you man. Your washing machine is leaking because I came over while you were sleeping and smashed it with a hammer. You don’t deserve in-home laundry and I think that deep down, you agree with me.

You have to rim a TV/movie star from the 70's tomorrow or the world will explode.  Who's it gonna be? - Elvis

Meryl Streep. Hands down. In fact, if I had the opportunity to rim Merryl Streep and it meant the world would explode, I’d still do it. That’s how much Devil Wears Prada resonated with me. As long as Martin Short is cool with it, I’m licking like my life depends on it.

Honorable mention would be Al Pacino. I just think he’d say some crazy shit while I’m back there. Could be fun to hear.

Pirate or a viking walk into a bar and duke it out who's coming out of that situation with a W? - Anonymous.

Viking in a landslide. They are just pirates but way more jacked and with better facial hair. Maybeeeee a pirates sword game would help in close quarters, but I’m going with the guy who carries around an ax and a shield. Every time.

What is the best expression for taking a shit? - Drake (no, not that one.)

Sureeee Drake. We all know it’s you. Don’t have to play it cool here, pal. We’re here to help.

Tbh, I’m pretty partial to just saying “Ok, I’m gonna go clog that toilet.” It implies that you take monster shits and use too much toilet paper when you wipe, which is a really cool thing for people to think about you.

Also partial to “make a mudpie.” Pretty solid visual.

On that note, have a good weekend 🤝 🤝