MONTHLY MAILBAG | JULY

Welcome to our third edition of the monthly mailbag (catch up on them all here.) Sorry I skipped June. I had a lot going on and honestly, just wasn’t feeling it. That’s life.

Anyways, if you didn’t get your question answered, I’m deeply sorry. Feel free to punch me as hard as you’d like. Or, just ask again for August. Up to you 🤝

This is still a newer segment for us, so let us know what you think by filling out the poll at at the bottom. Let’s get into it.

1. What is the optimal outdoor temperature for day drinking? Assume there’s no game on, you’re with some buddies, and air resistance is negligible. - David

Gotta be mid-60s with a nice breeze. Not so hot that you’re uncomfortable and battling dehydration. Not so cold that your penis shrinks. Just right. 

This weather hits especially hard when it’s the first nice day of spring after a brutal stretch of winter. In fact, I’m trying to get an official holiday started called Alcohol Day (shoutout to my friend Chuddy who coined this term) to celebrate this day. An entire day devoted to celebrating the arrival of sunshine by doing one thing: drinking alcohol until you pass out. Very simple. 

As a younger man, I may have leaned more towards the low 80s as an answer. Not too hot, but still warm enough to pop the top, inflate a kiddie pool, fill it with hose water, and just sit in that for like 4 straight hours. Maybe some ladies walk by and say “holy cow your body is slightly above average, do you want to have premarital sex?” That kind of stuff.

However, as I get up there in age, my body has started to resemble a bag of milk. Drinking two dozen IPAs a weekend and having one vegetable a month for 10 years straight will do that. I’d really prefer an excuse to keep the shirt on. Mid 60s it is.

2. Why doesn't the dishwasher have a window on the front? Almost every appliance (microwave, washer, oven) has windows, except for the most interesting one. What secrets is it hiding? Is it magic? - Troy Tumbleweed

It’s pretty simple Troy: to create jobs for dish lickers. 

Dish lickers are the people who live underneath your kitchen. Once you close the door on your dishwasher and push START, they open a little door, climb into the appliance and lick every item completely clean with their long, grotesque tongue. Fun fact: most dish-lickers have herpes, which is why the disease is so prevalent today.  

Big Dishwasher decided that the American public couldn’t handle seeing how the sausage was made (or licked off plates) so they lobbied for anti-dishwasher-window legislation and the rest is history. 

Try reading a book next time you ask a stupid question. 

3. How long does an entire Almost Friday TV sketch take to produce? Between Writing, Filming, Editing, Etc.? - Liam’s Leathery Left Nut

I don’t personally work on any of the AFTV videos (they just hit 500k YouTube subs, congrats boys,) but I kicked it over to their producer, Joe Pomeroy, who was nice enough to give you all a little peak behind the curtain.

Here’s what he said: 

Everything starts with the idea, which can be spur of the moment (usually based on an experience someone had recently) or one that needed more work before someone was finally able to crack it to create a coherent story.

After landing on an idea, the writer will start a script, which can take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month to lock in. 

After a script is green-lit the production team starts working on locations, props, wardrobe, casting (depending on the script). Ideally production has between 2-3 weeks to plan the shoot.

Sometimes scripts are shot in two 8 hour days or one 10-12 hour day. Just depends on what the script calls for (IE: multiple locations, multiple characters, availability of actors and crew)

Post Production is tricky. It can take a long time depending on the creative. We’ve turned videos around in less than a week, a week, two weeks or longer. We also have to consider the programming (order we want the videos posted to YouTube) when building in timing for an edit. So, it depends.

TL:DR - anywhere from 6 - 12 weeks, from idea to posting. Thanks Joe.

Make sure you watch their latest sketch if you haven’t yet.

4. I'm 24 and still can't grow a beard. What are some ways I can compensate for my masculinity deficiency?

I can give you options like get really good at golf, learn how to smoke meats, or start fixing up old cars but honestly, those are a lot of work. Not worth it.

Rather than build yourself up, your best shot is to tear others down to your level. You only goal in life should be to make everyone around you feel really, really small. I’m talking verbal abuse, deception, betrayal, weaponized vulnerability, maybe even drug-induced psychosis. Whatever works best for your specific skill set. 

Once you shrink everyone else down to your size, you can squish them like a little bug under your tiny little heel. Metaphorically of course. 

LET’S HIT SOME RAPID FIRES.

What DID Kesha mean when she said ‘wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.’? - Dan.

First of all, it’s Ke$ha. Second of all, she was admitting to a desire to sex traffic. Doesn’t mean she acted on it. She’s clean in my book.

I am interviewing candidates and one of the questions I end with is "if you could give out any Halloween candy what would it be?" Seems like a weird question but it says a lot about you... king size Reese's? You are a good and normal person. King sized Kit-Kat or Twix? We will get along. Almond Joy's or Twizzlers? We may have some additional questions. Crayons??? GTFO and don't come back. - Charlie

Didn’t really see a question here, but all good. I think this works as an interview question only because if you say anything that’s not ‘King Sized INSERT NORMAL CANDY HERE’ you’re insane.

Like if you give out potato salad, you’re not hirable. Yes, potato salad is delicious but 1) it doesn’t keep and 2) it’s not very portable.

What was your crews standard to measure “would you rathers?” against. For my group growing up it was always “….or have a flaccid dick growing from your temple.” Pretty tough one to compete against. -JP

Similarly, it was usually “or have all your fingers be penises (you can’t wear gloves.)” Brutal way to live your life.

As a certified big fella (6’7” 310lbs,) I gotta know. Is it possible to be too big? -Johnny.

No, it’s not. You just have to be chill about people making comments to you about it. Like, if you’re 7 feet tall and you get annoyed when people ask if you can dunk, that sucks. You have an NFL lineman’s frame for no reason and that’s ok. Just accept that people will call you big fella and ask you to lift stuff. There are worse things in life.