MONTHLY MAILBAG | MAY

Welcome to our second edition of the Daily Friday Monthly Mailbag (April’s version found here.) We had an overwhelming amount of questions this time and I officially love each of you. Like as more than just friends. It’s confusing but exciting.

If we didn’t get to yours, we might still use them next month, so don’t give up hope. Meanwhile, hammer your questions for June into the link below.

This is still a newer segment for us, so let us know what you think by replying directly to this email or filling out the poll at at the bottom. Let’s get into it.

How do I make new friends in a city where I am broke and know no one? - Connor R.

After open bars and oral sex, friends are the best thing in the world. We all know that. Unfortunately, making friends as an adult is hard as fuck. That’s kind of the entire plot of the 2009 classic I Love You Man.

But you came to the right guy Connor, because I went through this same thing after graduation when I moved to a city where I didn’t really know anyone. It sucks but you can be a whiner or you can be a winner. Let’s be winners. 

The #1 thing you have to do is say yes. Join an intramural sports team as a free agent. Give your co-workers a chance. Meet up with your friend of a friend for a beer, even though it might be kind of awkward. Say yes to that random person who messaged you on CraigsList to be your roommate. Stand outside liquor stores and offer to buy teenagers beers. Maybe they have older brothers you can chill with (this might actually work.)

All you need is for one thing to work out. You’ll make a friend. They’ll have more friends. Maybe those friends will have a boat. That’d be fucking sick.

If this doesn’t pan out, just move to where your friends are. Jobs are pretty stupid. You’re only young once- don’t waste it being miserable.

What TV characters from early 2000's Nickelodeon and Disney grew up to just be another cog in the corporate machine? Ain't no way Sheen from Jimmy Neutron is doing anything other than barely scraping by working a 9-5. - Jono

I’d say Sheen is not working a desk job. He’s most likely working retail, probably at a Dick’s Sporting Good, and selling a little bit of weed and/or painkillers on the side. That’s an honest life.

Here’s my top 3 characters who went corporate.

1. Timmy Turner, Fairly Odd-Parents: let’s assume he no longer has access to fairies once he turns 18, has no clue how to do anything on his own and sinks into a deep depression because he’s no longer special anymore. He’s a perfect fit for the accounting department.

2. Raven, That’s So Raven: the world’s worst stock broker. Yes, she can see into the future, but she constantly misinterprets her visions. The power to see into the future is completely wasted on her and she will never make you any money. Steer clear.

3. Gibby, iCarly: the definition of a personality hire and office glue guy. Works in sales, always hits quota, but is never a top performer. Still, he’s a blast at the happy hour and once he gets a few in him, he’s popping the top and dragging you to karaoke. He’ll thrive in Corporate America.

Scientifically, what is the best way to get over Sunday Scaries? - Sarah S.

 I wish scientists spent time on important stuff like this instead of researching why it’s a bad idea to put Zyns in your butthole and/foreskin. Worry about yourselves, nerds.

High level, the best way to not have Sunday Scaries is to have a life that does not make you anxious: pursue your passions, find healthy relationships, manage your substance abuse, invest in a 401k blah blah blah fuck that suck my little dick.

For the real ones, Sundays are for wallowing on your couch with the shades pulled down, watching 8 hours of Netflix, only moving to open the door for delivery and ignoring the worried texts from your Mom and/or Bank of America alerting you to a low balance.

Here is a helpful guide that I put together for how to survive. Hope this helps.

One actual piece of advice: if you find yourself spiraling and worrying about a million things, open the Notes app and write down everything you are currently worried about. It just feels better to get it out of your head, plus once you actually look at it, you realize that 90% of these are not big deals.

Just make sure you password protect that note so no one stumbles across this list. Anxiety is pathetic and showing weakness is for cowards. Everyone knows that.

Do you ever feel bad for refrigerators? They’re the only appliance that’s always running, a real team player. They are constantly locked in and never get a break, shoutout to refrigerators. - Sam

Damn, Sam I never really thought about that. Fridges are the Josh Harts of the appliance game. Respect.

However, I don’t necessarily feel bad for them that they work all the time. You knowwww fridges love to throw their insane work schedule in the other appliances faces all the time and make everyone feel like shit.

It’s like your friend that works in banking and won’t shut up about their 100 hour weeks. We get it, bro - destroying the middle class is super hard and only superheroes like you are capable of doing it. The city should build you a statue. The people that have lives and hobbies and interests are talking now, ok pal?

What’s the perfect date - Tavish Frank

Besides Dave and Buster’s and 9/11? This is definitely the perfect date.

Sorry, stupid joke. The real answer is less fun: it completely depends.

My general philosophy with dating is to be yourself completely from the jump. You save a lot more time that way. It’s exhausting pretending to be someone else, especially with someone you are smooching and/doing hand stuff with a lot, and you’ll save yourself some heartbreak down the road.

So the perfect date is something that you actually want to do. Don’t take someone to a fancy seafood dinner if you hate fancy shit and you’re allergic to shellfish. We all saw how that went in Hitch. 

Here are my top 5 WORST dates though.

1. Movie (can’t talk, smell like popcorn)

2. Exercise related (can’t talk, sweaty) 

3. Comedy show in front row (can’t talk, public humiliation)

4. Museum (can’t talk, someone might throw soup on the paintings)

5. Anything where TVs that have the game on are within your eye line (I love the ladies, but I love tracking my parlays more. Just a fact of life.)