New Names | 2.21

Welcome to the Daily Friday. We’re the Almost Friday newsletter, here to deliver what you need to seem smart at the office, pregame, or on your next Hinge date every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

You’re on this list because you recently gave us your email, most likely at an event or buying something from our shop (take 20% off your next apparel purchase with code DAILYFRIDAY20 for your troubles.)

If you’re not feeling it, feel free to unsubscribe at the bottom. We think you should stick around though…you might win a trip to Nashville.

Enjoy today’s news.

1. Big day for Canada, as their NHL All-Stars beat our NHL All-Stars (congrats, it’s your #1 sport and not even in our top 3) and their greatest national export, Tate McRae, drops an album and music video that I’ve watched 300k times.

2. iHop and Applebees launch first combination restaurant in Texas, with 14 more dual-branded locations planned. Cool and all, but it’s still no Waffle House. Where else can you get a very late dinner and show?

3. New app ‘Protector’ that is called “Uber for bodyguards” is flying up the app store rankings after launching in LA. Yawn. Wake me up when Uber for Dogs comes to market.

4. Diddy’s lawyer withdraws his council, abruptly quits and says ‘under no circumstance can I continue to serve Mr. Combs.’ Love the idea of him finally reading the case and being like “wait, he did WHAT?? I’m out.”

5. We lost a lot of good things this week. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

IN MEMORIAM

All good things must come to an end. And no day has that been more true than today, where we saw the death of some iconic American institutions. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN. 

• Hooters prepares to file for bankruptcy, citing a decline in foot traffic. We need to hold a candlelight vigil ASAP. The blueprint is there. 

• Yankees get rid of their facial hair policy after 40 years. Was this Aaron Boone’s bargaining chip? Dude would look sick with a stache.

• Mitch McConnell’s run as a Senator has come to an end after 4 decades, 3 falls, and 2-3 podium freeze-ups/alien suck-jobs.

• Creative control for the James Bond franchise is ceded to Amazon Studios. Well, at least they did such a good job with the Lord of the Rings series.

• Wemby is out for the year with a blood clot in his shoulder. Maybe he’s human after all.

Dry those tears. I believe that Semisonic said it best during ‘Closing Time’ - “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” Good things can come from tragedy.

Sure Mitch is gone, but maybe instead of old people, we can let babies run the country. Anyone who’s seen Boss Baby knows that this would actually be awesome. Hooters may pass on, but at least there are other establishments that offer delicious wings, comfortable atmosphere and hot ladies. The Yankees players now have free reign to grow out sick Goatees. Chris Paul will definitely never win a championship now. And Jeff Bezos might be cast as James Bond. See? It’s not all bad.

Now get out there and attack the weekend lads / lasses. You earned it 🤝

SOMEONE’S IN HERE

AFTV’s new YouTube sketch is the perfect video to watch while taking a shit today. And that’s the highest praise I can give any video.

PS - the squad’s spring tour is starting to shape up, with live shows in Pittsburgh, Boston (very excited for this one), Toronto and Arlington starting March 27th. Snag yours today 🤝🤝 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

New man-made horrors beyond your comprehension just dropped. Clone Robotics releases ‘Protoclone’ robot, that walks on two legs and can “bleed to death if stabbed.” Please don’t also give it ‘steal your girl’ functionality. It’d be curtains for me.

Gotta respect the dedication of the guy who drove 700 miles to set fire to the home of a man who was speaking to his ex girlfriend. Imagine stopping to fill up 2-3x and still deciding to keep going. Hope he at least gets reimbursed: gas is not cheap these days.

Just breathed a sigh of relief after archeologists found a 9,000 year old “Stonehenge-like-structure” underwater in Lake Michigan. Knew I left it somewhere, thanks fam.

Japanese ramen shop owner puts a bounty on the head of a customer who left a bad review. Man, that guy is in hot water (with noodles, vegetables, meat and seaweed.)

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Glory Daze’s finale with Michael Vick is a great listen. Johnny and Mike talk Heisman snubs, Madden covers, and how Vick changed the QB position forever.

• Read this on your lunch break: Inside The Murdoch’s Succession Drama.

• Very savvy pivot from the Talking Tuah boys to start covering other podcasts and couldn’t have picked a better option than the Foodie Boys. Where my Chub Perm heads at??

• This dude has the most insane aim I’ve seen in my entire life. There has to be a better use for this skill than making videos but for now, I’ll allow it.

• Unleashing 500 Singles on an IRL Date in the Alps sounds kinda sick, tbh.

• Checking in on the ‘you know I had to do it to ‘em’ meme kid 10 years later was actually a surprisingly wholesome read. Shoutout Lucky Luggiano.

• Kind of crazy that no one born blind has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Might gauge my eyes out later just so I can go back to normal.

• It’s Friday. Before you close up shop on the work week, toss on Could be the Move’s Ode to a Dive Bar, and put yourself in the right headspace for the weekend. Why not make it the best one of your life?