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NCAA hoops tournament is set to expand to 76 teams on the men’s and women’s sides, as 12 play-in games will be added to the slate. I’m sure Auburn fans are still going to cry about getting snubbed next year too. C'est la vie.
Trial between Elon and Altman begins, as Musk asks for the removal of Altman, $150B in damages, and OpenAI’s status as a public benefit corporation. I’m just pissed we don’t get to hear about ketamine at Burning Man.
Spurs close out Blazers to win first playoff series since ‘17 (fantastic sign here) while the Knicks take win (hope you enjoyed the show, Ms. Jenner) & Sixers stay alive. Please keep winning so Gavin can keep making these videos.
Devil Wears Prada 2 comes out tomorrow, with an expected box of nearly $180M. I might have to go just to snag one of these Popcorn Hand Bags. High fashion, excellent snack storage, and less than 450. Checks all my boxes.
Harry Styles and Zoe Kravitz are reportedly engaged after just 8 months of dating and Channing Tatum is going through it right now. Feel for you, brother. Here if you need to talk (as well as the ex-Mrs. Lasso. DMs are open.)
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
My heart goes out to Ray J, who says that after having sex with over 12,500 women in his life, he really only has the stamina for another 1,000 more at his old age. What’s the point of even living if you’re not going to sleep with a new woman every 6-8 hours?
This interview clip was a reminder that I need to upgrade my hat and suspender game. God these two look glorious.
Shoutout to these 22 Buddhist monks that were caught smuggling nearly 250 POUNDS of weed, valued at $3.5M, at a Sri Lankan airport. Even monks need a side hustle. I’d personally love to buy weed from a monk (or have one as my Uber driver.)
I didn’t even know that monks could really fly, let alone sell weed. The more you know
Genuinely worried for Klay Thompson now that Meg the Stallion fans have sent a swarm of Etsy witches to curse him after he cheated on her. He never should have made her famous like that.
I hope he got to keep the big stick at least. That’s a very solid stick
Proud of this woman who released a swarm of bees on deputies that were evicting her. You ALWAYS need a stockpile of stinging insects at the ready for situations like this. It’s better to have them and not need them, than need them and not have them.
“She’s releasing the bees!!!” - an actual quote from the deputies. Can’t make this up
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
HUMP DAY HIPPO RACE
It’s Kentucky Derby weekend (grab a shirt while you still can) but all I can think about is what a goddam waste it is that we spend our time racing horses when we should be saddling up on a hippo.
Just think of the benefits.
1 - Hippos are lower to the ground than horses. Less of a dangerous fall for the rider. Christopher Reeves might still be Superman today.
2-Hippos can also swim, introducing a new element to the race. Hell, if we teach them to ride bicycles, we might be able to do a full Ironman hippo race.
3- Hippos are ferocious fighters. Horses can basically just kick and sometimes bite. Can’t really respect a species like that. Sorry.
4- I just think it would be cool and I’m the one writing the newsletter.
As always, all opinions are final and correct. Thank you.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I might be DEEP down the rabbit hole, but what if the White House Correspondent Dinner shooter actually was a time traveling tweeter?? There’s no way to know.
Read this on your lunch break: On Love, Shit and Parking.
I’m so glad I’m surrounded by coworkers who give good advice like this.
Very interesting to me that the tide has turned on circumcision and now men want their foreskins back. You do you, boys. I’m good with what I got.
Bringing back one of my favorite videos of the decade. Fantastic satire.
Having insomnia has always been one of my biggest fears and this long read just confirms that. Sounds absolutely brutal tbh.
Conner O’Malley sees America for the nation of suckers it’s become.
It’s Hump Day. Fuck it. Spilling My Seed with Ben Marshall. Great show.
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