The Daily Friday: Friday 1/10

1. Notre Dame pulls off late win over Penn State in the CFP, advances to the National Championship. This TD run by Jeremiah Love was absurd, but Greg McElroy is 100% the reason PSU lost. All-time announcer jinx.

2. Jimmy Carter funeral held in Georgia, as banks, stock markets and more were closed in his honor. Former presidents gathered, as George W pulled an all-time move and our lip-readers cracked Trump and Obama’s convo. Chills.

3. List of ‘banished’ words for 2025 released, and includes phrases like ‘era,’ ‘sorry not sorry,’ and IYKYK. Look, I can get behind dropping ‘period,’ but you are not gonna get me to stop saying Skibidi. It just feels so good on my lips.

4. Supreme Court will hear Tik-Tok’s final arguments over potential ban today. Hey lawyers: if you guys need any help arguing, just show them this page. Can’t see why any nation would want to get rid of that kind of beauty.

5. Fires continue to rip through Los Angeles, as 153k people evacuate, thousands of structures are destroyed and at least 10 are confirmed dead.

We are an LA based company, so this one is a little more personal for us. Over the next few days, we’ll be donating all proceeds from merch sales to the LA Fire Department. Would mean a lot if you supported. Thanks team 🤝🤝🤝

Ok, time for a hard pivot back to our regularly scheduled programming….

TOP 68 AIN’T BAD

The 2024 penis size rankings dropped and America just did the impossible: we cracked the top 68 in erect penis length. Hell yeah.

There are a lot of interesting findings in the latest meat rankings. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• The average erect penis length worldwide is between 5.1 and 5.5 inches. How are they measuring this? Personally I go from hole to hole (sphincter to belly button) but I still can’t even come close to cracking that number.

  • And don’t even get me started on how vague ‘erect penis’ is as a measurement condition. Everyone knows that erections can range from “so hard it’s painful” (me every time Alex Daddario is on screen in True Detective Season 1) to “little bloodflow after seeing a sexy vegetable.” Too many variables.

• Congrats, I guess, to the top 5 countries, Sudan, DR Congo, Ecuador, Republic of Congo, and Ghana, who clocked in at average of 6.9 inches. Personally, being that large feels a little braggy, plus it would slow me down as a swimmer (still trying to make the Olympics.) Everyone is different though. I won’t judge.

• PLEASE do not mock the bottom 5 of Myanmar, Nepal, Cambodia, North Korea and Thailand, who clocked in at average of 3.8 inches. It’s probably just really cold there and they just got out of the pool. I’ve been there, gang.

• I’m actually extremely pleased with America’s #68 spot, with an average size of 5.57 inches. That’s Goldilocks zone: not too big, not too small, justttt right. Plus, our nation of strong mediums out-meated Canada, who came in at 5.48. Don’t even want you guys as a 51st state any more.

• Fun fact: the average penis size has grown 25% in the last 30 years. Our generation is competing in a completely different era than our father’s. That just makes Johnny Sins’ accomplishments so impressive. Ron Jeremy’s great, but he didn’t have to compete with penis inflation.

What’s your penis size? Reply to this email with a picture and we’ll put you on a super special list. 

THE DOC’S LOCKS

Let’s check in with the good doctor, Dr. Locks MD, for this week’s batch of picks. As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.

SEASON RECORD: 31-19

Ohio State vs. Texas: Texas +6

Everyone and their mother is all over Ohio State after last week’s domination against Oregon. They’re the hottest team in the country and look invincible, which makes it the perfect time to sell high. Plus, I’ll take any chance I get to bet against Ryan Day in a big game. Love the Texas cover, may even put a little taste on the ML. Let’s ride.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Have you ever been so desperately and publicly horny online that you had to withdraw from a German parliamentary election? This fella certainly has.

Sony introduces new technology to allow PlayStation users to smell video games. Please, God, let GTA incorporate this into any and all versions of the game. Need a sniff.

Shoutout to Jake, the reporter who was checking out some Rihanna lingerie pics mid newscast. Real gooners know: a silly thing like ‘being at work’ should never get in the way of watching a little soft-core porn.

KENJON BARNER ON GLORY DAZE

Ducks legeend Kenjon Barner hops onto Glory Daze to talk through the golden era of Oregon football, his three Super Bowl rings (with three different teams) and sharing the field with the GOAT Tom Brady.

PS: we are 10 episodes deep into Glory Daze with Johnny Manziel and the interviews just keep getting better. Catch up on everything on YouTube and Spotify (personal favorite episode was Shady McCoy) today. Worth your time.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• BREAKING: new way to make $100 in Harrisonburg, VA just dropped.

• Read this on your lunch break: They’re Not Bachelor Pads. They’re Boy Apartments.

• Rusty and Willy ripped some Bowl Games that Don’t Exist on this week’s Playdate Pod and they were electric. Need the Mangione bowl baddddd.

• Liked this article on the rise in flaking out on social plans and how people ‘don’t feel they owe each other anything’ anymore. Fuck that. Go get hammered with your boys and be the change you want to see in the world this weekend.

• Buckle up for this thread of the worst songs on IG reels. Strangely intoxicating watch.

• It’s Friday. Anyone who’s watched the news lately knows just how satisfying an aerial water drop onto a fire can be. Pop on this Top 10 firefighting helicopters compilation tonight at the pregame and get fired up. Let’s go.