Dodgers sign Kyle Tucker to a 4 year, $240M contract, bringing their total guaranteed contracts to an absurd $2.11B, more than the GDP of at least 20 countries. They should be investing that money into Dave & Busters gameplay instead and taking advantage of their extensive rewards, but what do I know?
New 2016 trend sweeps social media, as users on Instagram and Tik-Tok post pictures from
the last time they were hot10 years ago. I can’t believe we’re romanticizing the year where we lost our greatest hero. Bring him back.Ex-AZ Sen. Krysten Sinema accused of having affair with her bodyguard, who she enticed with ‘lavish trips, exorbitant salary and psychedelic drugs.’ That would absolutely entice me. Might need to become a bodyguard this year.
After a national outage Wednesday, Verizon has offered customers a $20 credit. Thank you for your generosity. As a man in his 30s that’s still on the family plan, this will change everything for me. About to buy so many ringtones.
Winter storm could crush the Midwest and parts of the East Coast, as over 24 inches of snow are expected this weekend. We might be in for an all-time Bears game on Sunday. This is what it’s all about.
BREAKING NEWS: Will “Will Angus” Angus has returned to LA after shooting some Hollywood pictures and hopped on our podcast to talk all the news that’s fit to podcast. Plus we had Strider Wilson join to answer some of your mailbag questions. What else do you really need in life?
CORPORATE CUCKING IS BACK
Editor’s Note: We’re introducing a new weekly guest segment from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week in a way that only they can. ENJOY.
Salutations, rare fish collectors. There’s a new entrant in the all-time honor roll of corporate cucking moves: using legal threats (alternatively, whips/chains) to veto someone else’s bankruptcy.
My 3rd most successful Facebook coaching group member, Andy Jassy, and his little startup, Amazon, are seeking help (weak) from a federal judge (mostly criminals) to reject Saks Global’s Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
Some context for those without access to my daily 3 am Power Group Conference Call (bodyweight > 230 only). In December 2024, Saks acquired Neiman Marcus for $2.7B (never lower your price like that, kings). Amazon invested $475M into that venture in exchange for light sexual favors and a place as a preferred vendor.
Now it’s looking like that $475M is about to gone girl Andy faster than my Bahamian tax shelter liquidated into my landlord tipping nonprofit (highly profitable).
Several can’t, few don’t. Don’t few again read. That.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Kiefer Sunderland arrested after allegedly telling his Uber driver: “pull over or I’ll kill you.” He’s clearly still method acting as Jack Bauer, give the guy a break. Once that character enters your body, it never truly leaves you.
Now listen here, you piece of shit. You can let me have the aux cord the easy way or the hard way. We’re playing Levels by Avicii on a 45 minute loop no matter what.
Former 16 and Pregnant star Farrah Abraham announces mayoral run in Austin, learns mid-interview that the race isn’t until 2028. Ok and starting a little early is a bad thing now?? She got a head start on being a mom, might as well do the same with politics.
The exact moment when she found out. Actually an incredible video you need to watch
This Anthony Black dunk is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. Folks, I haven’t seen anyone take on 4 guys at once like that since my college ex-girlfriend (that’s not true, she was a very nice lady and it just didn’t work out. This sounds better though.)
If Anthony Black was separated from Will Arnett, Arnett would still hang this photo in the kitchen of his new bachelor pad apartment. (that’s a really niche reference to his new stand up movie with Laura Dern. Not sure if anyone else here saw it but that’s a very solid reference.)
Let’s give it up for the amateur tennis player who beat Jannik Sinner, won the 1 Point Slam in Australia and took home $1 million. We need to do this with the NFL and Oklahoma drills. No one walks away without brain damage but that’s just life.
The human body craves contact
You guys have been good this week. Enjoy some pics from the new Euphoria trailer showcasing Sydney Sweeney’s character’s OnlyFans. This season will feed families.
Took me like 5 minutes to realize that the top photo is not a gigantic piece of human shit falling out of her butt. To be clear, I was into it either way.
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
Welcome to the grind. We got another beautiful slate of football this weekend. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy on tonight’s action.
SEASON RECORD: 33-30
Buffalo Bills at Denver Broncos: Broncos ML
Houston Texans at New England Patriots: Texans +3
Miami Hurricanes at Indiana Hoosiers: Miami +8.5
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FRIDAY FUNNIES
Thank you Evil Editor Caleb.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
When you think about it, it’s not that surprising that a guy woke up from a coma speaking Spanish when he’d never studied the language in his life. Spanish is naturally in everyone’s heart. It’s science.
Read this on your lunch break: How Prediction Markets Turned Life Into a Dystopian Gambling Experiment.
We drank 12 beers and solved the Lindberg Baby Kidnapping. You’re welcome, justice system.
The Grinch doing Dry January after he stole Christmas made me chuckle.
Loved these valuable life lessons from 23 divorce movies. Never let a step-parent make haircut decisions.
Doing Heated Rivalry scenes in public is my new favorite genre of videos. Well done Strider and Chad.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Greatest Jackass moments compilation to take you into the long weekend. You deserve it.
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