The Daily Friday: Friday 1/24

1. NFL HC carousel continues, as the Jets sign Aaron Glenn, Pete Carroll joins Vegas (he’ll be 76 at the end of his contract, finally old enough to run for Senator,) and Liam Coen gives his final rose to the Jaguars. Our Liam?

2. Netflix’s Emilia Perez garners 13 Oscar nominations, most ever for a film not in the English language. Any time you put out bangers like this song, you’ve got my vote. Haven’t been able to get that out of my head for weeks.

3. Trump to release JFK, RFK & MLK assassination files, says ‘all will be revealed.’ Can he release more info on the Obama banging Jen Aniston thing too? If Michelle starts porking Brad Pitt, we’ll have the most 2009 story ever.

4. Visitors in Sydney line up to see ‘corpse flower,’ a rare flower that opens up for 24 hours once every few years and smells like rotting dead flesh. If the line is too long, feel free to swing by my basement later for a similar experience.

5. Mississippi lawmaker wages war on gooning, proposes bill that would make ‘discharging genetic material (aka cumming huge, hot loads) without intent of fertilizing an embryo’ an illegal act. Dibs on enforcing this.

Team: reminder that we are bringing back our monthly mailbag next Friday. Ask us your questions here (or just reply to this email) and catch up on every mailbag here. Enjoy.

BELIEF IS A POWERFUL WEAPON

Is there anything more American that wildly believing in your own competence even in the face of insurmountable evidence that you’re completely wrong?

Here’s the thing though. What if we’re not wrong?

Anyone who’s seen Rocky or Never Back Down (probably the least realistic depiction of high school ever, but I digress) knows that belief is a very powerful weapon in any fight. The very act of thinking you can win is all you need to actually win. Americans can beat a grizzly because we believe we can beat a grizzly. And that’s something the Brits, with their ‘rational thinking’ and ‘funny little accents and weird teeth’ will never understand. That’s why we stole Prince Harry from you and all it took was some flirting from the 4th lead of a mediocre lawyer show (you can have him back btw.)

Fact is, I’m extremely confident that I could handle all of these fuckers. All I’d need to do is stick to my classic bar fight playbook.

Step 1: Pick a fight because I hate myself and need to see other people hate me too to affirm my own belief system.

Step 2: Hit the other guy first before they know it’s really a fight.

Step 3: Pray to god it gets broken up before anyone realizes I have no idea how to fight.

Step 4: if that doesn’t work, scream ‘my dad is a lawyer’ and try to shit myself while they put me in a full Nelson. Offer them cash, gold or a fresh mint (it’s a nice touch) to let me out. Hit them again and run away really fast (ran a 4.8 in HS, not to brag)

Absolutely zero shot a Kangaroo can handle that. Hit the road pal.

THE DOC’S LOCKS

Let’s check in with the good doctor, Dr. Locks MD, for this week’s batch of picks. As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.

SEASON RECORD: 31-21

2 LEG PARLAY: Eagles ML + Chiefs ML (+135)

4 teams, 3 games and 2 weeks left in the NFL season. Let’s make it count with 1 massive bet to feed families. I can see it now. Eagles. Chiefs. Saquon. Mahomes. Big Dom. Taylor Swift. Rematch of Super Bowl 53. Let’s fucking ride.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Very impressed with Bryan Johnson’s night-time erection tracking software that he shares with his 19 year old son. My dad and I have been doing this manually for years and it’s become very cumbersome. Need to get in touch with him and pick his brain.

Robert Oppenheimer signed rookie card is now available via Topps. Gotta have one of the best WARs ever. No one is touching his Japan numbers. Elite performer.

FL Sheriff’s Deputy resigns after crashing into a car while watching porn on his phone. Let me get this straight - you want him to go a full 8 hours without a little crank? How in the hell is he supposed to think straight? There are innocent people to harass out there.

My New Year’s Resolution was to not post about the Lily Phillips / Bonnie Blue sex stunts but I had to step in here. Ladies- you did not invent having sex with 1,000 guys in a day. That was invented by the mom of whoever is reading this right now AYOO!

THIS ONE SLAPPED

No way around it. This one slapped. It just did. Good to see Billy finally stop acting and decide to just be completely 100% himself. I respect the hell out of it.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• PSA: if you’re going to a strip club tonight, don’t become this guy. It can happen to anyone. Except me because Destiny actually does have feelings for me, she’s just a little scared of showing them sometimes outside work.

• Read this on your lunch break: The “Rizzler” and the Creeping Childishness of Pop Culture.

• Idk what’s cooler, this dude’s noise-making ability or his boys going absolutely nuts in the background every time. That’s how we boost each other up 😤

• Might be late to this but Mac Miller’s new post-humous album ‘Ballonerism’ is actually really good (and so is this write up from the Ringer on it.)

• This scientific breakdown on the meaning of laughter has confirmed what I’ve known for years: the funniest thing in the world is someone getting hit in the nuts. Just a fact of life.

• It’s Friday. Fuck it. Let’s rip the Project X 'Pursuit of Happiness’ scene and start the weekend off right. See you cutie pies on Monday.