Novak Djokovic outlasts Jannik Sinner in 5 sets at the Australian Open (Sinner’s first loss since ‘23) and advances to the finals to compete for his 25th Grand Slam Title. Might be the only time working with the Mafia was worth it.
Judge bars prosecutors from seeking death penalty against Luigi, just days after a man was arrested trying to free him from prison by posing as an FBI agent and wielded a pizza cutter. Look, we’ve all done that after a few dozen beers, let’s hear the guy out.
NFL appoints YouTuber Dhar Mann as its ‘Chief Kindness Officer’ for the Super Bowl (always good to find a CKO with 13 felony charges.) They’ve finally found a gesture as powerful as the “End Racism” end zone message.
All-Birds will close all their US stores except for 2 outlets, as the once-beloved shoe choice for tech and sales bros refocuses business. Hug your slop bowls and Patagonia fleeces a little closer tonight. It could all be gone soon.
Tik-Tok star Khaby Lame sells his company, as the man who never speaks on camera is now worth nearly $1B. Nice lesson that sometimes it pays the shut the hell up. I’m not gonna listen to it, but it’s still a good lesson.
MAILBAG TIME
Now that we’ve bumped the Daily Friday Podcast to 2 episodes/week, we’ve found some time to open up our mailbag with Strider Wilson. If you want your question answered, email us at [email protected] or hammer this here link.
Here’s a sneak peak for what we talked about today. Check out the full episode on Spotify, Apple, and YouTube (we answer a LOT more.)
I want to sneak into my friend’s house and sleep there without him knowing. Should I? - Tobey Brown
Me trying to break into my friend’s house but he’s already Home Alone’d it
100000% yes, you should. For so many reasons.
#1- it’s hilarious. Your friend is sleeping peacefully in his home while you crash in his guest bed and he has no idea. What a fucking moron.
#2 - you’re helping your friend recognize weak spots in his home security system. If you can pull this off, so can any jagaloon. He should be paying you for this service.
#3 - you can drive him insane over the course of several months. I’ll explain.
Each time you stay the night, make some small changes in his home. Watch Netflix and screw up his algorithm so it’s all Is it Cake? reruns. Change his thermostat by 1 degree. Drink his booze and then pour some water in it to replace it. Replace all his photographs with AI versions of the same image that look slightly different than the original. Etc.
He’ll slowly start to feel like something is off, but not be able to put his finger on it. He starts to not trust himself or other people. His relationships fall apart. His work performance suffers. He can’t get hard like he used to. He thinks everything is cake.
One day, he comes home and looks around his living room in horror. Everything is different and he doesn’t know why. He’ll fall to his knees, worried that he’s bipolar or a sleepwalker or perhaps been cursed by a beautiful yet ultimately cruel witch.
That’s when you walk out of the closet and say…GOTCHA, BITCH. YOU JUST GOT LAWLER-ED. And he’ll start laughing and wrap you in a big bear hug, saying “you bastard, I was like 5 seconds from committing myself to Arkham. Hug it out.”
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
I don’t think anything has touched my soul quite like this halftime performance at the Cavaliers game involving a mascot, an exercise ball and Adele’s glorious pipes. Badddd news for anyone who thinks art is dead.
Anyone want to train and execute this dance with me? I have a wedding coming up that I could bring you as a plus one too (probably.)
There’s a new mushroom being served to people that causes everyone to have visions of pint-sized, elf-like figures. Pretty sure we’ve had this for years - it was called salvia, they sold it in gas stations and if you didn’t take it at a party in high school, everyone called you a pussy and locked you in the crawl space of their step-dad’s house.
All this talk of tiny elves gave me a hankering for some Artemis Fowl. Where my Fowl-heads at??
Absolut Vodka teams up with Tobasco to make a chili flavored vodka. My heart goes out to every pledge in America next fall. A Chilly Willy of this might literally kill you.
This is gonna feel sooooo good pouring down my pants this weekend
You know what - it’s been a good week for celebrities posting lingerie pics on the Internet. Just click those links and enjoy. The human body is a remarkable thing.
Horsegirl vs. Sweeney, who you got?
Who You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
Welcome to the grind. We’re so close to the Super Bowl. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy on tonight’s action.
SEASON RECORD: 36-33
LONG SHOT PARLAY (Bet $100 to Win $10,000): We are so due.
Cooper Kupp TD + Jaxon Smith-Ngiba 75+ Rec. Yards + Rashid Shaheed 25+ Rec. Yards + Drake Maye 25+ Rush Yards + Hunter Henry TD + Stefon Diggs 50+ Rec. Yards
Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)
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ANOTHER AFTV BOP
More heat on the YouTube. Check it out if you know what’s good for you.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
The Doomsday Clock is probably bullshit, but it does beg the important question: what would you do with 85 seconds until the world ended?
Read this on your lunch break: The Dry January Hangover.
Another installment of YouTube’s greatest series just dropped: Who’s High? I might have to swear off the gummies after this one.
Thank you to the Ringer for another piece of quality longform with this beauty: Who Has the Biggest Penis in HBO History?
The rules are simple on this newsletter: Sahib Singh posts a banger, I share the banger. Thems the rules.
This article on what happened when prison guards when on strike and prisoners had to govern themselves was incredible. Worth a read.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Let’s be as great tonight as Prince ripping this guitar solo at the Rock and Roll HoF induction.
Like our newsletter? You’ll love our podcast. Episodes out every Friday, wherever you get your podcasts.
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