Miami beats Ole Miss to advance to the Natty, as Carson Beck overcomes looking like Sid the Sloth to score a game-winning TD with seconds left. PS - this was the greatest catch ever. Don’t care if it counted or not.
New Food Pyramid drops with new guidance around alcohol consumption that encourages limited use rather than discouraging it outright. That’s all I needed to hear. Dry January is cancelled until further notice. Doctor’s orders.
Winter Olympics hockey rinks may not be fully completed for the competitions in Italy in a few weeks. Clearly no one watched Sopranos Season 4: no show construction jobs are just part of Italian culture. To be expected.
AI companions are the main focus of CES 2026, as innovations introduced during the tech summit include AI baby pandas for old people and anime friends who will watch you work. The world is so close to ending, I can almost feel it.
The Golden Globes are this Sunday, as Hollywood award season (and Chalamet’s quest for his first Oscar) kicks off in LA. If Nikki Glazer can channel some of her unpublished Brady roast material, I’ll be locked tf in.
DR. CHATGPT, MD
Editor’s Note: We’re introducing a new weekly guest segment from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week in a way that only they can. ENJOY.
“So if i understand correctly, boobs are right here, correct? And you can squeeze and honk on those suckers like this?? Ok got it” - Sam Altman
Salutations, rich uncles. Artificial Intelligence has already replaced sexual partners and attorneys (personally, I never used either to begin with - I represent myself). And today, AI replaces your kindly family doctor/Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.
My former mentee (and current gimp) CEO Sam Altman and his minions at OpenAI are releasing “ChatGPT Health,” their new AI LLM intended to replace all doctors with sycophant chatbots. It will sync with your health trackers, access your medical records, and replicate your DNA into living clones for convenient child organ harvesting.
Of course, I have been doing this for years (committing fraud via a virtual assistant in Somalia armed with WebMD). It is just one of the many ways I maximize profits and increase net girth. If you want to tip your landlord more effectively, drive new rich uncle subscriptions, and franchise ice baths, consider reading Read That Again by Entrapranure.Few will, many not will. That again
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Free legal advice: if you ever get divorced from your NFL player husband, don’t go on a podcast and compare his dick size to 2 Coke Cans like Matt Kalil’s ex wife did, because it will cost you $75k in damages. The more you know.
Thinking of Matt Kalil. No one should have to know your penis is the size of two Coke cans next to each other (assuming that’s what she meant.)
Gotta respect the confidence of this Egyptian lady who competed in a pro tennis match, seemingly without knowing any of the rules or ever having played in her life. Taking that mindset into 2026.
A worse performance than Bill Ackman. And that’s saying something
Competitive category, but the Full Force Kick in the Balls Competitor of the Week has to go to the trans person in Glasgow who had hundreds of people come kick them in the balls before having their testicles removed for bottom surgery. Well deserved.
I will be doing this next week with my tonsils (everyone can come jam their fingers into my throat, grab my tonsils and twist as hard as they can) if anyone is interested. THIS IS NOT A SEXUAL THING STOP ASKING
Bring your slop bowls, little piggies, because KFC has finally introduced their latest menu item: a Poutine chicken bowl. The American acquisition of Canada begins now.
Nice part about this is that it will look exactly the same when you throw it up 45 minutes after eating it
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
DOC’S LOCKS
Welcome to the grind. We got another beautiful slate of football this weekend. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy on tonight’s action.
SEASON RECORD: 33-25
#5 Oregon vs. #1 Indiana: Oregon +3.5
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears: Packers ML
Buffalo Bills at Jacksonville Jaguars: Jags ML
LA Chargers at New England Patriots: Chargers +3.5
Houston Texans at Pittsburgh Steelers: Steelers ML
Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)
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ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO PODCAST
We’re all the way back for our first episode of 2026. Fortune tellers rule the world. Maduro is a Nike Tech influencer. McRib isn’t real meat. 10 hour fireplace videos are the only proven way to make millions in today’s economy. Just another day in the life.
We broke all this down with our good friend Luke Null (plus some Heated Rivalry talk with the world’s #1 hockey smut podcast Empty Netters) on this week’s podcast.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Billy’s argument here is very convincing. I’d watch this movie in a heartbeat.
Read this on your lunch break: Can You Optimize for Love?
Fallen down a few rabbit holes this week, but my top 2 conspiracies have to be 1) Pandas Aren’t Real (I’m late to this) and 2) The 49ers field is destroying player’s tendons with electrical substantiation (or something like that.)
New Year’s Resolution: start a-capella-ing with my boys in the kitchen way more often. These dudes absolutely rock.
Fucking love these fellas that are asking the questions every Grown Man needs to be asked. If LeBron is late to the New Year’s party, you absolutely have to wait to start the year.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. 4 hours of AFTV playing Dungeons and Dragons.
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