
Illinois Gov. JD Pritzker won $1.4M at a Vegas casino playing blackjack while on vacation with his wife and friends. That’s pretty awesome. All politicians should be card sharks and you can’t convince me otherwise.
Smuckers sues Trader Joe’s, claims their product rips off ‘Uncrustables.’ Put down your swords & end this madness. You cannot own something as pure as crustless PB&Js. We need a new Pocohontas song about this.
Battlefield 6 sells more than 7 million copies in the first 3 days of its release, shattering EA’s previous franchise record. Absolutely gorgeous weekend ahead. Perfect time to stay indoors for 48 hours and fight Pax Armata.
BREAKING: FX wins the Almost Friday TV sweepstakes for new ‘Last Night Was a Movie” show. Legitimately awesome and well deserved for everyone involved. Fire me all the way up.
It was a good day to be an Unc, as 40 year Joe Flacco outdueled Aaron Rodgers (who almost got killed by friendly fire) and 41 year old Max Scherzer let it all hang out in a Blue Jays win. Might be time to update the Unc Matrix.
We made it through another week. A lot of shit happened, all of it extremely important. We covered it all on this week’s pod with our new friend Willie Simon, comedian at large. Watch on YouTube, listen on Spotify, listen while driving heavy machinery after your drink drowsy cold medicine on Apple Podcasts, etc. You know the drill.

THE UNC MATRIX
There is no hotter word in the English dictionary right now than “Unc” a term which means “older guy in the office who you really respect and look up to and don’t think of as a washed up alcoholic at all.” At least that’s my younger coworkers tell me it means.
It’s time to recap this week in news by sorting everyone into the only 4 quadrants that matter: Bad (Chopped), Good (Goated), Old (Unc) and Young (Neph? I’m trying here.)
We broke this down on the pod today, but this is the latest and greatest version. Enjoy.

Again, this does not include Flacco. He’s a whole separate category
Bill Belichick: another tough Jordon video has hit the timeline. Might be time.
Stephen A Smith: hot and cold on this guy, but you can’t get bodied by Serena Williams’ husband like that. Especially if you’re gonna be president.
Chicago Pope: took time out of his busy day to talk shit to a Cubs fan from the Popemobile. That’s what it’s all about.
Rick Ross: broke up with his girlfriend after she wouldn’t kiss him in public. Respect the hell out of that.
Timothee Chalamet: winner of White Boy of the Year from Anthony Edwards and released the perfect acceptance speech. No notes.
Chandler Bing: not the Chandler Bing character but a player on Vanderbilt who has the perfect bio. His parents should be charged with child abuse for naming him this.
Baby Gronk: he’s been on my radar ever since I had to explain to my dying grandmother how he rizzed up Livvy Dunne, he got a scholarship to Ole Miss this week in his DMs. Kudos.
NFL London: Based entirely on my own experience last week as a Jets fan that flew across the world to see them lose in historic fashion. It was a lovely experience overall, but I’m a deeply spiteful man so it’s chopped for today.

DOC’S LOCKS
Welcome to the grind. We got another beautiful slate of college football this weekend. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
SEASON RECORD: 10-10

This man would’ve been the greatest firefighter of all time, but chose to be a top 9 QB in the nation
#11 Tennessee at #6 Alabama: Over 59.5
#16 Missouri at Auburn: Auburn ML
Washington at Michigan: Washington +5.5
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
A 70 year old Italian man reportedly faked being blind for 53 years while collecting over 1M euros in disability payments. Simply incredible way to live your life. Just doing the bit from the only good part of Anchorman 2 whenever you leave the house.

I’m convinced Stevie Wonder has been doing the same thing. you can’t take photos when you’re blind, i’m like 90% sure about that
It’s not fair that Madison Beer gets to walk the runway at the Victoria Secret fashion show AND perform with the voice of an Angel (Reese?) AND date Justin Herbert. Those were my 3 goals for 2025 and she did them all in one night. Respect.

This feels like one of those Harry Potter moving picture things. There is so much magic in the world if only we allow room in our heart for it to flourish.
Congratulations to Russell Westbrook for finally completing the rainbow jersey challenge after signing with the Kings. Huge for Immaculate Grid pulls in the future.

Love is love is love is love
Respect to the California driver who was pulled over for having a hand-drawn license plate with fake registration stickers and the state logo. The adult version of I am 12.

Looks real to me.
Who you buying a beer for?

WE DRANK 12 BEERS AND FOUND THE ‘LOCH NESS’ MONSTER
This changes everything.

Buying Cannabis Online Is Now Legal, And Incredibly Convenient
Thanks to changing laws buying THC online is now 100% federally legal.
And when it comes to quality, reliability and ultimate convenience, Mood is leading the way…
Because, instead of memorizing confusing strain names – you simply choose how you want to feel: Creative, Social, Focused, Relaxed, Happy, Aroused, and more.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Could the introduction of ChatGPT erotica lead to an increase in women in STEM? I actually think it might. Maybe it’s not so bad after all.
Read this on your lunch break: The AI Prompt That Could End the World.
Cautiously optimistic about the upcoming Age of Disclosure documentary that won awards at SXSW for exposing the government UFO cover-up but let’s be honest: anything THAT secret and explosive is not gonna be on Prime Video.
Beautiful: soldier surprises little brother after 2 years but Dominos delivery guy arrives at the same time is a perfect video. Well done.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Greatest pregame speech ever. Let’s get out there and have ourselves a goddam weekend.
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