Nike drops a new bionic shoe called Project Amplify that will mechanically boost your speed, stamina and jumping performance. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll stick with the ol’ reliable. Nothing combines fashion and function quite like it.
Massive scandal hits the NBA, as Terry Rozier gets hit with insider betting and Chauncey Billups gets busted for involvement in a Mafia-organized, rigged poker game that targeted rich dudes. Life goal: make enough money to get invited to a card game to get ripped off by a former Piston. Crazy story.
NASA launches emergency defense probe against a massive, Manhattan sized object named 3I/ATLAS that is hurtling through space towards Earth. Please don’t hit us before Shrek 5 comes out. I’m actually begging you.
Vikings get their dicks kicked in by the Chargers on TNF, as Madison Beer’s boyfriend throws for 3 TDs and Oronde Gadsden’s dad needs to change his fantasy approach. Gotta feel for Carson - JJ looked healthy to me.
OnlyFans has reportedly paid creators $25 billion since 2016, according to their CEO. Sounds impressive, but once you remove mine and George Santos’ contributions, that’s barely in the 9 figures.
Another week in the books as the world burns. Heists are officially back. Amazon shut the world down. A new Tik-Tok trend dropped (shoutout to my Group 7s everywhere.) We covered it all and more on this week’s pod. May have been our best one yet.
As a favor to me, can everyone go and rate us 5 stars on Spotify and Apple? Maybe even write a review if you’re in a good mood? Reply to this email with a screenshot of you dropping a rating or reviewing and you’ll get a nice little treat.
HONEY POTS ARE BACK
Mafia based gambling rings. Museums heists. A massively growing industry that simply won’t make money. And now espionage operations based on the seduction of powerful figures? It feels like the Roaring 20s again and I couldn’t be happier.
Earlier this week, a report broke that China and Russia have been deploying attractive women to Silicon Valley as part of an operation aimed at stealing our tech secrets that they are calling ‘sex warfare.’ Sounds like my Friday night AMIRIGHT???
Me after an incredible evening of sex warfare (2 hours trying to get it up, 45 seconds of missionary, 2 hours of crying)
In today’s world, these honey-pots have it easier than ever. Back in the old days, you’d have to infiltrate a community, spend years gaining trust, and all that jazz. But now that the world is run by nerds who can’t make eye contact, it’s easier than ever.
One high-level exec was quoted as saying “I’m getting an enormous number of very sophisticated LinkedIn request from the same type of attractive, young Chinese woman.” I’m sorry, a ‘very sophisticated LinkedIn request’?? Is that just someone with a hot profile picture trying to sext you on a professional networking platform? And you’re falling for that? I’m as horny as the next guy, but let’s all try to be better.
We even got lovely ladies “showing up, marrying a target, having kids them a target —- all while conducting a lifelong collection operation.” I’ll be honest. That would work on me. It seems like a ton of work on the spy’s part though, so gotta tip the cap.
The only solution is to counter these ladies with male sex operatives. Follow the Roald Dahl model. Had no idea that ladies got that horned up for James and the Giant Peach, but the female mind is a mysterious thing. Respect.
DOC’S LOCKS
Welcome to the grind. We got another beautiful slate of college football this weekend. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
SEASON RECORD: 11-12
Never noticed how high this Dasani bottle levitates off the ground after Brian Kelly hammered that table. Really impressive stuff.
#3 Texas A&M at #20 LSU: LSU +2.5
#11 BYU at Iowa State: Iowa State -2.5
#22 Texas at Mississippi State: Mississippi St. +7.5
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Gotta give some love to Kevin Costner, who has reportedly left Hollywood to make deep-sea-diving for treasure his new career. That’s what it’s been about for all these years - making enough bank to scuba forever. Respect.
Deep Sea Diving. No matter what.
European police busted a platform that powered 49 MILLION fake accounts online used for fraud. That’s so fucking many. Just a healthy little reminder that 80% of the shit that pisses you off online is from bots trolling. Let’s touch grass.
We gotta fix our bot strategy at Friday Beers HQ. Right now it’s just this one dude on a bike commenting the handshake emojii on every single post from like 60 different phones. He does great work but it’s not the most efficient approach
It makes me sick to my stomach that Gigi Hadid was arrested at Sabrina Carpenter’s concert for being too hot. America is becoming a police state right in front of our eyes and we need to stop it ASAP.
This is what a police lineup looks like a typical Sabrina Carpenter concert. It’s just awful.
Finally. Science has finally advanced to the point where people can safely breathe through our butts after a successful human trial. Cool but we will not be satisfied until we can diarrhea out of our mouths next. Don’t stop pushing.
Has science gone too far? Or not far enough. My column drops next week
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DRUNK GHOST HUNTING IN A HAUNTED VETERANS HALL
Tennessee Luke may be the most interesting man alive or dead. Absolute much watch content from the fellas on this one. PS - the crew is performing tonight at Comedy Store in LA. Get your little asses out there.
Buying Cannabis Online Is Now Legal, And Incredibly Convenient
Thanks to changing laws buying THC online is now 100% federally legal.
And when it comes to quality, reliability and ultimate convenience, Mood is leading the way…
Because, instead of memorizing confusing strain names – you simply choose how you want to feel: Creative, Social, Focused, Relaxed, Happy, Aroused, and more.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
The more I dive into the Louvre Heist, the more impressed I am by these gentlemen. Genuinely inspired to heist with my boys this weekend. Who’s in?
Read this on your lunch break: The Goon Squad (great read tbh.)
PEEKABOO IS GASLIGHTING. Argue with a goddam wall.
Every time I get depressed about the state of the world, I remind myself that we’re in a timeline where Stavvy is getting NY Times features written about him. No one deserves it more.
This video right here is a masterpiece. Well done, boys.
It’s time to give some love to Jim Downey, the inventor of modern comedy in America (and also the star of my favorite clip of all time.)
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Full AF Pod with Matt McCusker. Just because.
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