The Daily Friday: Friday 11/8

1. Ravens beat Bengals in TNF thriller after Cincy wastes 264 yards and 3 TDs from Jamar Chase (pray for anyone playing him in fantasy) and Lamar makes magic happen. It was very nice of Dak to make an appearance.

2. Every single incumbent party facing election has lost this year across the entire developed world. This just shows how hard it is to defend a title in today’s modern era. The Chiefs don’t get enough respect.

3. 43 monkeys escaped a research facility in South Carolina where they were being tested for vaccine development and are still on the loose. Praying one of these suckers bites me so I can get a head start on the next pandemic.

4. The first combination IHOP - Applebees will open in Texas and someone’s fantasy football punishment is about to get a lot easier. This is cool, but a Chili’s - Laser Tag combo would bring this country together. Make it happen.

5. A Central African public official is the horniest man alive. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first a very special announcement: it may be November 8th, but we are officially declaring it the holiday season. Head over to AlmostFriday.shop to stock up on the latest designs (and don’t forget to join our rewards program for cool prizes and shit.)

WORLD’S HORNIEST POLITICIAN

With great power, comes great horniness. And nowhere is that more true than in Equatorial Guinea.

Last week, it was revealed that their General of Finance, Baltasar Ebang Engongawas, was found with hundreds of sex tapes on his work computer, featuring him and multiple partners (including 20+ wives of his coworkers.)

Look, the dude’s middle name is literally bang, what did you expect? LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Baltasar was under investigation for corruption charges and handed over his computer to officials, who found 400+ videos of him ‘engaged in intimate acts,’ a polite way of saying ‘sucking and fucking.’ I don’t know what’s crazier: storing those on your work computer or the sheer volume of sex tapes. I don’t know if I’ve had sex 400 times in my entire life and I’m at least a 6.5 (a 7 if i wear my cool guy flannel.)

• The partners in the video were absolutely absurd. They featured the President’s sister (chill,) the wife of the Police General (fuck the police…’s wives,) his brother’s wife (bad guy move) and his cousin. Feel like that last one probably could’ve been avoided when you’re getting laid that much, but I’m not one to judge.

• It’s worth noting that all of these encounters were consensual, as was the filming of said encounters. This dude must have crazy game. He makes Pete Davidson look like a Japanese high schooler. 

• He has since been arrested, mainly due to the fact that he filmed many of these encounters in his office. As a result, the government has made a strict “no porking in your office” rule and installed cameras in all government buildings. What, do they want the footage for themselves?

Equatorial Guinea is officially crossed off my travel list. I won’t visit any country where banging the wives of 20+ of your coworkers is illegal. Man’s gotta stand for something.

THE DOC’S LOCKS

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As always the good doctor, Dr. Locks, is here all season long to help you sweat through your bets. Make sure you follow Hold the Phone on YouTube and watch live every Thursday and Sunday at noon EST for more picks.

Season Record: 18-11

Michigan at #8 Indiana: Michigan +14

Indiana has been the story of the season so far in college football. I’m still pulling for them to make it to the dance but let’s be honest: if this game was Week 1, Michigan would be favored. Two touchdowns is a massive spread and you gotta jump on it.

South Carolina at #24 Vanderbilt: South Carolina -5

Look, they’ve had a great season so far but at the end of the day, it’s still Vandy. South Carolina has beat them 15 straight times and 22 of the last 24 and their QB is coming off a career game in the air and on the ground. Saturday should be more of the same.

Washington at #6 Penn State: Penn State -13.5

The Nittany Lions nearly pulled it out last week against a stacked Ohio State squad (where have I heard that one before?) and I’m still a believer in the folks from Happy Valley. Plus, it’s a white out game. Never bet against a white out game.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Ambulance runs over man on a bicycle, rushes him to hospital and then charges him $1,800 for the ride. That’s just good, sound business. Vertical integration 101.

Lamar Odom buys a sex doll that looks exactly like his ex-wife Khloe Kardashian. Wildly creepy and a great example of why you need to run every major purchase by your group chat. “Bad Boys Pissgang” would have immediately vetoed this decision.

Gotta tip the cap to the man who peed in the steam iron that cops use for pressing their uniforms so they smelled like urine all day. The definition of civil pissobedience.

Taco Bell is officially adding chicken nuggets to its national menu next month and it’s confirmed: the person in charge of the menu is absolutely a 17 year old boy who hit the penjamin for the first time. And I think that’s beautiful.

HE CAUGHT HER CHEATING

Absolute banger from the AFTV team this week. It’s crazy how they were able to capture my first sexual experience so perfectly. Well done.

PS - shoutout to Gerry for writing this one. That’s my GOAT 🐐🐐🐐

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Matt Leinart hopped on episode 3 of Glory Daze with Johnny Manziel to chop it up about the Heisman, Vince Young’s natty and Reggie Bush’s legacy. A great listen.

• Read this on your lunch break: Life after Baby Reindeer.

• The run that Zachirific has been on needs to be studied. To be this strong and this humble is crazy. Might just spend the rest of my day watching him shine.

• It’s shaping up to be a beautiful weekend. Perfect excuse to stay inside and binge 8-12 hours of some TV. Here’s what to watch (anyone else on the Slow Horses train?)

• New work hack: go back to basics and toss on some forest background sounds while you crank out your spreadsheets. Feels like you’re in nature.

• It’s Friday. Lets remember the light at the end of the tunnel: in a few short hours, you can go home, throw a Big Bootie mix up on the TV, and do a power hour with the fellas. You got this 🤝🤝🤝