The Daily Friday: Friday 12/13

1. Selena Gomez gets engaged to Benny Blanco, which is a huge win for hideous short men worldwide. Still holding out hope for me and her. Twin Flames always find their way to each other (reply to my DM’s when you can.)

2. Judge rejects sale of InfoWars to The Onion and I guess we can never have fun stuff anymore. What’s gonna happen to all of these domain names? Can I have GoblinLove.net please? Promise I’ll treat it nicely.

3. A Washington lawmaker allegedly ‘bullied’ her aide into having sex and running errands for her. She wouldn’t have had to bully me. This sounds like the perfect relationship.

4. Stanley issues another recall on their cups, as 2.6 million products are called back from market due to issue with the lids. Can this trend be over soon? Let’s go back to making everyone earn Stanley Cups the right way: on the ice.

5. The good folks at PornHub have released a 2024 Year in Review and there is a LOT to dicuss. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

2024 PORNHUB WRAPPED

PSA: if you’re currently reading this email at work, go ahead and scroll past this section and do NOT click any links. Or better yet, take your phone to the bathroom and do a real deep dive. What happens in the stall, stays in the stall.

Anyways, let’s give a shoutout to the good folks over at P-Hub, who released a 2024 Year in Review that analyzed what everyone was cranking it to this year. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

MY IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS

Let’s start with the state level.

• The loss to Michigan seems to have hit Ohio hard, as search terms for ‘cuckold’ have skyrocketed. Ryan Day owes an entire generation of men an apology.

• Has anyone in South Dakota every watched porn before? “Hot Babes” is something a 12 year old would search. I guess everyone starts somewhere.

• I’m giving PA a pass for searching ‘hot babes.’ Assuming the Amish have skewed these results heavily.

• Washington should not be allowed to vote in the next election. Wisconsin should get double the votes.

• Love the idea of someone going to Vegas and searching ‘Vegas’ porn. When in Rome, I guess.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS

• The site did a nice little breakdown of top searched movie characters, which I took great offense too. Yes, Jabba the Hut is very sexy, but Star Wars has no place at the 2 spot. Mrs. Incredible and Shrek need to be wayyyy higher.

• Hailey Welch’s impact cannot be minimized, as the term ‘Hawk Tuah’ was search 10 million times and spit-related terms has a 233% increase. Fuck Trump, she’s my Person of the Year.

• When it comes to generational breakdowns, you can really tell that Gen Z was raised by their devices, as their top searches include ‘Gaming,’ ‘Cartoons,’ ‘Virtual Reality’ and ‘Vertical Video.’ Conversely, Boomers watch porn the way they run our country, with ‘gang bang’ and ‘strap-on’ terms leading the way.

• Shoutout to Mexico, which spent on average 11.5 mins on site per visit, the most out of any country. They’re getting to at least page 4 before selecting a video. Buncha sickos (complimentary.)

Next year, please do one for each individual person. Actually, don’t. I can’t handle that.

THE DOC’S LOCKS

Let’s check in with the good doctor, Dr. Locks MD, for this week’s batch of college football picks. As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.

PS - make sure you subscribe to Hold the Phone on YouTube, where Locks and Glue Guy give out live free picks, every Thursday and Sunday. Free money.

SEASON RECORD: 27-18

Navy at #22 Army: Navy +6.5, Under 39.5

There’s one game in town this week and it’s my favorite game of the year. Army’s 11-1 and having a year for the ages, but at 8-3, Navy’s no joke either and has been in the top 25 this year. Expect a bare-knuckle brawl with a ton of defense. Midshipmen pull it out.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Pope to open five ‘Sacred Portals’ on Christmas Ever. If we learned anything from the NYC-Dublin portal, an OnlyFans model will flash this within 48 hours and shut it down.

Hell Yeah: college kid who wore a different jersey to class every day was gifted a fuckload of jerseys on the last day. There better be a Bilal Powell jersey in there.

Shoutout to the record-breakingly horny humpback whale who travelled across 3 oceans to get laid. This is what half of Thai tourists are doing as well. Can’t knock it.

40% OFF SWEENEY HEATERS

The 12 Days of Suckdown Sales continues on at AlmostFriday.shop, with 40% off ALL Sydney Sweeney collections (this one here is my personal favorite.) Get ‘em while you can, because these deals end tomorrow. Happy Friday boys.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Patrick Peterson hopped on Ep. 7 of Glory Daze, to chat about his career, who the toughest WR to guard was and this year’s Heisman race. Give it a listen. 

• Read this on your lunch break: He Mocked the Rich on Tik-Tok. Now He Gets $30k a Post.

• No matter where you stand on the political spectrum, we can all agree on one thing: Fidel Castro could HOOP. Kyrie must’ve modeled his game after him.

• Very pumped for the new Jerry Springer Netflix doc (trailer looks sick.) Perfect thing to watch on a day home faking sick from school.

• Pretty legendary story about Gladiator actor Oliver Reed, who died mid-drinking contest with a bunch of sailors at his favorite local pub, which was renamed “Ollie’s Last Pub.” Let’s all have one for him tonight (but not too many.)

• It’s Friday and probably the last time you can truly get fucked up with the boys before the holidays kick in. Let’s put a Sopranos power hour up on the TV tonight and suck down 12-1200 cold ones. You deserve it 🤝🤝🤝