The Daily Friday: Friday 12/20

1. Hailey Welch (Hawk Tuah girl) officially sued after her meme coin rug-pull, and has apparently been napping for two straight weeks. If you invested in this, I honestly don’t feel bad for you. Invest in Fartcoin like a real grown up.

2. Government gets closer to shutdown following spending bill debate, officially has until Saturday at midnight to make Elon Musk happy. Please send in Taffer if they do shut it down. I’d pay to watch him yell at those old fucks.

3. Chargers beat Broncos in Thursday Night Football, chances of making the playoffs in Harbaugh’s first year increase to 88%. How sick was this free kick field goal? I know Belichick was pissed he never got to do that.

4. Luigi Mangione gets his rap album cover photo from the NYPD, formally charged with terrorism. He’s held in the same jail as SBF and Diddy, so at least he’ll be with other celebs. $50 says that prison gets a reality show by March.

5. Jets owner Woody Johnson relies on Madden ratings and his teenage sons to make roster moves. Shoutout to these kids - you ruined a grown man’s (me)life every Sunday before you even got a driver’s license. Great experience.

FLAT EARTHER ADMITS HE’S WRONG

This week, YouTube Jaren Campbell (easily one of my top 5 Flat-Earth influencers) took to $35,000 trip to Antartica (funded by James Dunn, easily one of my top 5 Round-Earth influencers) to prove, in his words, ‘there was no 24 hour sun.'

When he arrived, he came to the realization that, well there WAS a 24-hour sun and admitted that he was wrong. Stand-up guy. We need more people like this in the world. Not only did he have the balls to admit defeat, but he also got a free trip to Antartica and a shit-load of Delta miles out of it. Win-Win.

Personally, I’ve never really gotten the appeal of flat-earth conspiracies. Yes, I’ve had people explain why the Earth is round to me like 1,000 times in my life and I still don’t really get it. But I don’t push back on it because:

1) I don’t really know enough to argue and I’ll probably look dumb.

2) I honestly don’t care.

Same goes for gravity or Wi-Fi or the female orgasm. Why do I give a fuck if these are real or need to know how they work? Even if the Earth IS flat, my life isn’t going to change at all. The world keeps on spinning. Or does it? Still don’t get it.

There are way better conspiracies to waste your time on anyways, like Underwater Aliens, Underground Aliens, Alien Live Among Us (peaceful), Aliens Live Among Us (sinister)or Aliens Killed Another Alien (JFK.) Oh and this one too.

THE DOC’S LOCKS

It’s officially CFP season and time to check in with the good doctor, Dr. Locks MD, for this week’s batch of picks. As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.

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SEASON RECORD: 28-19

There’s only one play this weekend boys: a three-leg ML parlay hammering the favorites. The cream of the crop rises to the top this weekend.

#11 SMU vs. #6 Penn State: Penn State ML

I hate betting on James Franklin but SMU really has no business being here. Expect the Nittany Lions to bully them on both sides of the ball. Penn State in a blowout.

#12 Clemson vs. #5 Texas: Texas ML

Dabo will have the Tigers ready to play and we could see a sneaky back-door cover from Clemson here (12 points is a fat spread) but let’s be real: the Longhorns have way more talent and will be extra motivated after the Georgia loss. Texas with the W.

#9 Tennessee vs. #8 Ohio State: OSU ML

An all-time zero situational awareness QB battle on Saturday. Buckeyes have been a top-5 team all year and will come out fired up after their big Michigan loss. Book it.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Not sure what’s a worse airport experience: having to go through security with your emotional support, horse-sized Great Dane or trying to check your bag in the middle of this wet floor sign fight. Nothing like flying during the holidays 🙏🏻

Rapper Paul Wall says he did not know he was white until middle school when his classmates pointed it out. Do we have a reverse Mike Tirico situation on our hands?

The NASA astronauts stuck in space will have to stay even longer, get return date pushed until early March. More time to pork each other’s brains out and/or learn how to juggle. Zero gravity would help a ton with both of those hobbies.

UPDATE: I will be spending the weekend at the Miller High Life Gingerbread Dive Bar. Someone eat my keys, I shouldn’t drive home.

VINCE YOUNG ON GLORY DAZE

BIG GET for our Glory Daze podcast this week as Vince Young hopped on to chat with Johnny about winning the National Championship against Matt Leinart, losing the Heisman to Reggie Bush and his battles with mental health throughout his career.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• I’m like 90% sure this Twitter account of a guy who is stealing his girlfriend’s hair while she sleeps to put on a styrofoam head is just a bit, but that doesn’t make it any less entertaining.

• Read this on your lunch break: Why Netflix Looks Like That.

• The annual Private Equity Holiday Video competition heats up, as Blackstone and Apollo both drop their respective videos. I’m giving the W to Apollo.

• Two sketches I that got audible laughs from me this week: this banger from Sahib Singh and Dan Carney hiring an investigator to see if he’s gay or not.

• Personally, I plan on spending my next two weeks doing the one thing I truly love in life: lying on my couch, logging less than 1k steps a day and bingeing TV. I’m leaning heavily on The Ringer’s list of Things We Loved to Watch in 2024.

• Absolute scenes in Philly at the World Dart Championship after a 9-darter. LFG.

• It’s the last Friday before Christmas. Let’s get the night started with a compilation of best Johnny Drama moments and then get fired up to hit the bars one last time with Ari Gold’s greatest hits. Who’s got it better than us?