The Daily Friday: Friday 12/6

1. United CEO assassin is still on the loose, with $10k reward for info on the killer. Feels a little low for a dude who 1) gunned down a guy in broad daylight and 2) is incredibly hot and being pursued by every woman on the planet.

2. Tsunami warning lifted, as 7.0 magnitude earthquake nearly threatened destruction in CA and OR. Bummer. I’d already grabbed my board and was ready to ride that bitch wave all the way to shore. Next time, I guess.

3. McDonald’s announces Snack Wrap is coming back in 2025 and our prayers have finally been answered. Now if we could just get the Grinch meal to come to the US, all will finally be right in the world. I hope it tastes like him.

4. Guinness experiencing unprecedented surge in demand, and I’m taking full responsibility. Been housing 10 beers a night to practice splitting the G and I’m pretty confident I’m top 5 globally right now. Better than this guy at least.

5. Hawk Tuah’s meme coin crashes from $500M, faces accusations of fraud (least she got her REMs.) Can I come crash with anyone? I lost all my parent’s money in the coin and they said I can’t live there until I get a ‘real job.’

LET OLD PEOPLE DRINK

Congrats, Oud Sluys senior living facility in Massluis, Netherlands. You just made my shit list. Get ready for a world of hurt.

Earlier this week, the Klootzaks (Dutch for scrotum, pretty cool insult) over in South Holland’s finest old people home instituted a new Draconian policy: no alcohol allowed on the premises. Pardon my fucking Dutch?

The residents in Oud Sluys reacted according, rising up in revolt and hanging painted banners with phrases like ‘In Charge of My Own Glass,’ which needs to be printed on a T-shirt ASAP. My body, my glass.

I don’t give a fuck if the rules were implemented for ‘health reasons’ or after ‘several incidents involving alcohol that the manager refused to elaborate on’ (PS this sounds awesome and I need the footage ASAP.) Let the people live.

Life is a fucking grind. School, job, taxes, lawyer for your public urination charge, lawyer for your divorce, lawyer for your 2nd public urination charge, bribing a Congressman to pass legislation to get rid of public urination laws, etc. It’s a lot. You only get so many years to really enjoy yourself at the end of it all. If they want to spend their remaining years getting shit-cocked with their crew before bingo night, then let them.

This is a message to all the residents: I stand by you. I see you. And I am prepared to fight for you. (Someone translate that to Dutch for me. I bet it sounds sick.)

THE DOC’S LOCKS

Let’s check in with the good doctor, Dr. Locks MD, for this week’s batch of college football picks. As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.

PS - make sure you subscribe to Hold the Phone on YouTube, where Locks and Glue Guy give out live free picks, every Thursday and Sunday. Free money.

SEASON RECORD: 24-17

#5 Georgia vs. #2 Texas: Georgia +2.5

Recency bias says the Longhorns, which explains why the public is all over UT, plus no one expects Georgia to beat Texas twice in one year. That’s exactly why it’s time to buy low on the ‘Dogs and sell high on the Horns. Zig when others zag.

#17 Clemson vs. #9 SMU: SMU ML

I’ve loved SMU on both sides of the ball all year long and let’s be honest: Clemson has no business being in the ACC championship game. I love a good Cinderella story. Hammering the Mustangs.

#16 Iowa State vs. #15 Arizona State: ASU ML

Speaking of Cinderellas, how about the Sun Devils? ASU was projected to finish last in the Big 12 and now they’re fighting for a title. Gotta ride the boys tomorrow.

#3 Penn Sate vs. #1 Oregon: Oregon -3.5

Sorry Penn State, but you simply don’t deserve to be in the championship game (someone better send Ryan Day a nice gift for Christmas) and I’ll fade Franklin under the lights under night of the week. It’s redemption time for Dan Lanning. Ducks roll.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

BREAKING: it is officially time to expand your Hinge age range to 60 after seeing this video of Marisa Tomei. Having her as a sugar mommy would be an absolute dream.

Good on Sister Jean for making Loyola Chicago run sprints after snubbing her high-fives, but it’s still not enough. Add 10 ‘Our Fathers’ per player and curse one dude with leprosy and then they’ll get the message (I don’t understand how nunhood works.)

PSA to any and all roller blade talent scouts: the world’s top blading prospect is currently based in Afghanistan and can rip spin cycles like you dream about.

I will not stand for anyone shaming this lady doing a Tik-Tok dance at her sugar daddy’s hospital bed after finally getting into the will. Love comes in mysterious ways and I’d be doing this exact same thing if Tomei took ill. No double standards.

12 DAYS OF SUCKDOWN SALES

The 12 Days of Suckdown Sales have begun. Today and today ONLY, go ahead and take 40% off all jerseys over at AlmostFriday.shop.

Not feeling the jerseys? Don’t worry. We’ll be dropping the price for a new collection, every day, from now until Monday 12/16. We gotchu.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Fallen down a rabbit hole of Family Guy memes where the cutaway character gets a sports edit. Personal favorites are this one, this one and this one.

• Read this on your lunch break: Friend or Faux? What happens when millions of people seek comfort in an AI relationship?

• Ashton Jeanty’s journey from Italy to Boise State to Heisman Candidate is pretty insane. He’s got my vote (I don’t have a vote.)

• 2024’s most mispronounced words completely check out. I will never learn how to pronounce Barry Keoughan’s name, or how to spell it. Capesh?

• Man, this gave me chills. Let’s have one today boys.

• Shoutout to the Reddit nerds who started the war against headlight brightness. Bring home the W, boys.

• It’s Friday. Time to put the Between Two Ferns playlist up on the TV at the pregame and coast into the night. Nothing wrong with a throwback.