The Daily Friday: Friday 2/14

1. Elon’s 4 year old son Twitter X joins him at the Oval Office, makes headlines after telling Trump to ‘shush his mouth’ and ‘you’re not the president.’ Trump needs to be respond immediately: Eric, you’re up buddy boy.

2. Drake drops new album ‘Some Sexy Songs 4 U,’ barely alludes to Kendrick feud. Big day for ‘where my hug at?’ guys. Can someone lmk if any of these are good so I can add it to my story and bait some responses on Valentine’s Day?

3. Saudi ambassador confirms alcohol won’t be served at 2034 World Cup, says “you can have fun without alcohol.” Sorry, what is your fucking deal?? This is where I draw the line. Officially not spending my life savings to attend this.

4. NHL 4 Nations is off to a hot start, as Canada and the USA take early wins in the first two games in Montreal. Follow along as the Empty Netters lads are cover all the madness (praying to God that DP does not get deported.)

5. It’s Valentine’s Day and Papa John’s has dropped a bomb. Literally. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PAPA JOHN’S BATH BOMB

The good folks over at Papa John’s have outdone themselves this year, dropping the perfect romantic, pizza-adjacent gift for Valentine’s Day: the Garlic Bath Bomb.

This is the most impressive thing Mr. John has done since he ate 40 pizzas in 30 days and successfully learned how to stop saying the N-word after just 20 months.

Fellas - if you’re lucky enough to spend this day of love with someone special, but have no idea how to please them, follow this simple, foolproof plan.

VALENTINE’S DAY ART OF SEDUCTION

2:00 PM: Text your date: “surprise Valentine’s Day plans. Come over in an hour 😏” She’ll reply something like “Oh sorry that’s a little early for me, I don’t get off from work until 5:30 usually.” Be cool. This is part of the plan.

2:30 PM: She’ll call you crying to tell you that she was just fired from her job. Pretend you have no idea what she’s talking about even though you called her boss earlier today and told him that she was insider trading with you. Look up what insider trading means first.

3:00 PM: She arrives at your stunning 6th floor walkup with a bath/shower combo that you share with your 7 roommates. She’s upset but ready to take her mind off the collapse of her professional career.

3:30 PM: Draw her a bath with the 5+ Papa John’s Garlic Bath Bombs. Closely monitor if she reacts negatively to the garlic. This will tell you if she is a vampire or not. If she is, it’s no big deal but it’s preferred if she’s not.

When you are done, do not drain the garlic bathwater. This is essential.

3:45 PM: Bring her to the bedroom. You’ve stripped the Lightning McQueen sheets off your twin bed and replaced them with blue Old Navy ones. She’s impressed - can you blame her?

3:51 PM: While you’re smooching, pause and loudly say: “sorry I gotta piss out my dick.” Run back to the bathroom and throw the following into the garlic bathwater: beef tenderloin, carrots, onions, potatoes, parsley. Turn the water as hot as you can. It should be boiling.

You are now slow cooking a pot-roast for dinner.

4 PM: You’ll need about 4-6 hours for the pot roast to fully cook. Here’s how you pass that time without her getting all “womanly” (upset for no good reason.)

• Make love for multiple minutes (hard but not impossible. Just think about the Jets )

• Cry for at least an hour (hard but not impossible. Think about the Jets again.)

• Let her comfort you, even though she’s the one who lost her job today.

• Try to have sex again. Fail to get it up.

• Smack your penis and scream: WORK YOU WORTHLESS DICK! WORK! YOU’RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER: INEFFECTIVE AND HAPLESS AND A NE’ER-DO-WELL.

• She’ll be a little confused because the metaphor doesn’t totally make sense, but she’ll comfort you again.

This should easily take up all the time you need. If not, just stream The Brutalist illegally on your phone. She’ll realize you’re a man of substance and artistic depth.

8-10 PM: Enjoy a delicious pot roast directly from the bath tub.

Congrats fellas. You’ve portrayed yourself as a man who can cook, open up emotionally, makes art films his entire personality and has at least $83 in his bank account to spend on Papa John novelty gifts. Any woman would be lucky to have you.

THE DOC’S LOCKS

Football season is over but don’t fret little ones. There’s plenty to bet on still. Let’s check in with Dr. Locks MD for this week’s college hoops picks. As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.

SEASON RECORD: 0-1

#1 Auburn vs. #2 Alabama: Auburn ML

Massive inter-state, inter-conference matchup on Saturday in what is probably the game of the year. It’s the first 1 vs. 2 matchup in these program’s history and I’m leaning on Daddy Pearl to rise to the occasion. Hammer the Tigers and don’t look back.

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CHET’S OSCAR BAIT

Just a master-class acting performance here from Chester Collins. Still can’t believe they got Johnny Sins for this. Absolutely worth it.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

NY woman spends her 104th birthday in prison, fulfilling her life-long dream of going to jail. We need more old person Make-A-Wishes like this. Maybe we could let Mitch McConnell visit the Brazzers House instead of forcing him to run the country. 

Crazy video: a humpback whale in Chile swallowed a kayaker whole before releasing him. Probably so fun being inside that stomach. Kinda jealous to be perfectly honest.

Sabrina Carpenter gets black hair in a desperate ploy to get our attention. Sorry toots, but Barry’s our boy, so we’ll pass. Couldn’t look him in the eye at lad’s night if we made tender, delicate love under the stars like you so clearly dream about at work and in your Uber home from the bar after another night of getting spectacularly rejected.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Honestly cried laughing multiple times during this video of Strider, Chet, Rusty and Willy from our bar in Nashville. Worth the entire watch.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Family That Got Banished from Disney’s Most Exclusive Club.

• 🚨HOT WEB SERIES ALERT 🚨 Feel better about your love life this Valentine’s Day with Run Club, from Dan Carney and Yvette Segan. Peep the pilot.

• Season 3 of White Lotus drops on Sunday and Mike White has a very clear vision. Good read.

• Max Zavidow (guest writer for AFTV’s Escaping The Friend Zone sketch last season) dropped another cinematic masterpiece on the timeline yesterday.

• The Ringer’s list of Top Rom-Coms since 1970 is extremely comprehensive and mostly accurate (Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Hitch need to be in the Top 3 but I’ll allow it.)