Matthew Stafford’s body double takes home NFL MVP, as Drake Maye comes one vote short because of this jackass. Normally, I’ll support Druski no matter what he does, but this was insane. Just say JSN like the rest of us.
Bitcoin crashes to its lowest level since 2024, as some miners have even taking to unplugging their equipment. Cannot wait for the Facebook status from the worst guy I went to HS with about this one. Jaxxon is gonna go OFF.
A new ‘chicken-sized’ dinosaur was discovered, with fossils that could “change ideas of evolution.” Really hoping this is real and not viral marketing for the new Netflix Dinosaurs doc directed by Stephen Spielberg. That’d sting.
Pizza Hut closes 250 locations as part of their ‘Hut Forward’ (???) strategy involving “vibrant marketing, modernization of technology and franchise agreements.” Just say that someone finally Out-Pizza’ed the Hut and move on. Enough with the buzzwords.
NBA trade deadline wraps up as Giannis stays put in Milwaukee and the Mavs deal Anthony Davis to the Wizards, somehow turning Luka into 31 games of AD and 3 late first round picks. Nico Harrison is a genius.
THE OLYMPICS ARE ALREADY AWESOME
We haven’t even had the Opening Ceremony yet and we’ve already had a Minions skating controversy, a Crotch-Gate ski scandal and a mid-curling match power outage (was Christopher Moltisanti part of this Italian construction crew?)
And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
Tate McRae is an American now. Sorry Canada
We have yet another penis-related ski-jumping controversy, as officials investigate athletes for injecting their penises with hydraulic acid in the latest advancement in ‘crotch manipulation.’ In unrelated news, I am now looking for a large quantity of hydraulic acid and needles. Please respond if you have any leads (serious inquiries ONLY.)
Lindsey Vonn will competitively ski for the final time just days removed from fully tearing her ACL. I’m starting to realize I have no idea how an ACL works. Should I just ditch mine and finally get down a black diamond this year?
The war between USA and Canada rages on, as noted Canadian Tate McRae gets heat for appearing in a Team USA commercial, while bobsledder Kallie Humphries looks for her second gold with USA, 5 years after switching over from Team Canada. We’re happy to have both of you ladies. Welcome.
We have not one, but TWO Wife Wars this year, as Belgium’s Kim Meylemans will compete against her wife Nicole Silveira in skeleton while the hockey rink will see Sweden’s Anna Kjellbin’s facing off against her fiancee on the Finnish team. The Heated Rivalry impact truly cannot be measured. The world is ready.
We covered these stories and way more on the podcast this week with Zach Lupica (Glue Guy, Hold the Phone, Who’s Next, everything under the sun, etc.) PLUS an interview with our first ever Olympian. Check it out.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Resourceful Thief of Year may have to go to the ex-Little Caesar’s Pizza employee who broke into a shop during a snowstorm, started cooking pizzas, sold them and pocketed all the proceeds. That’s how you use the tools at your disposal. Literally.
This is the curse of having such a strong pizza chef training program. You run the risk of ex-employees coming back and using the skills you’ve so masterfully taught them. It’s like how the Jets trained Sam Darnold to be a top 5 QB and now he uses his skills elsewhere. Just part of the game
Daily reminder that Australians are just built different: a 13 year old boy in Perth swam over 2.5 miles and ran over a mile to get help for his mom and 2 siblings after they were swept out to sea while kayaking. That’s the kind of story we need more of.
Shoutout to Austin Applebee. You’re easily my #1 13 year old right now (yes, that’s a direct shot at my cousin Mark. Step it up bud. Hop off the Fortnite.)
I am fully on board with Draco Malfoy becoming a Lunar New Year mascot in China. Easily the impressive post-Potter move anyone of those little squirts have had (outside of Harry getting to hang with Meg Thee Stallion. Wonder what they talked about.)
Happy for Draco, but I’m still waiting on the day that Krum has his moment. One of One.
I’m happy that these 6 NFL wives and girlfriends get to be on the SI Swimsuit cover, but aren’t their lives awesome enough? Like, Brittany Mahomes gets to hear Patrick do dirty talk in a Kermit the Frog voice. What else do you really need in this life?
In my next life, I’d love to come back as an NFL WAG. For my own reasons that I won’t expand upon.
HEARTBREAKING: a man stole $4k worth of food from a grocery store, only to throw it all out after he came home and found his girlfriend cooking with another man. Genuinely reads like a Shakespeare tragedy.
For sale. Publix Food. Never cooked.
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
SUPER BOWL PICKS
It’s finally Super Bowl weekend. Here are our predictions for how Sunday will go:
A commercial involves AI and your dad texts you about it and you have to spend 15 minutes explaining it. “What is this DeepSeek crap?”
You crack a beer in the 4th quarter that makes you more full than drunk. Super Bowl drunk is one of the worst drunks. Guzzling beer and fried food all night after a weekend of guzzling beer and fried food is a recipe for disaster.
Someone is way too upset about Bad Bunny performing. Relax, man. He’s like one of the most famous singers in the world. It’s gonna be ok.
Vaguely artistic ad tries to connect complex social issues with a candy brand. Now, more than ever, this country is divided. Let’s put the Pieces back together. With Reese’s Pieces.
Someone is way too happy about Bad Bunny performing. You’ve literally never mentioned him in your life and now you’re his biggest fan? Don’t make us put on Kid Rock.
You clog the toilet in an irreparable way that people will think and talk about for years to come, both in front of your face and behind your back. Just accept it.
If you actually want to make money, here’s sharp action from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
COIN TOSS: Heads
Patriots vs. Seahawks: Patriots +4.5
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THIS ONE SLAPPED
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
BREAKING: JAPAN MONTH IS OFFICIALLY UNDER WAY.
Read this on your lunch break: The Death of a Sports Section.
We landed our first Olympian interview, with Team USA Curler Taylor Anderson-Heide. Must watch content for anyone trying to actually know what they’re watching this year.
Normally not a huge ghost guy, but this article sold me. Now I’m jealous.
If you’re not keeping up with Chad and JT’s series where they help sad dudes get stoked, you’re making a big mistake. Their latest episode where they helped a virgin made me laugh and also feel things. What else do you need?
Time to close up shop for rest of the day and spend the next 3 hours on this Antidote to Slop site - incredible articles, videos, and more.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. In honor of this fight in Tampa, it’s time for 5 hours of the greatest hockey fights ever. Let’s tie one off.
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