Big conference championship weekend ahead as we approach Selection Sunday. The Big 12 swaps out their glass floors (cowards), Miami of Ohio loses their perfect season (let them in) and no one is more personifies going Hall-In quite like this good man (shoutout South Orange.) Just means more.
Iran closes vital Strait of Hormuz as war intensifies and oil spikes to over $110/barrel. For context, that’s equivalent to 110 Dollaritas pre-tax. Nuts.
Papa John’s is reviewing a $1.5B deal from a Qatari-backed firm Irth Capital to go private. Irth, please make sure the Papa completes his 40 pizzas in 30 days challenge before you sign anything. Due diligence is vital in any deal.
The Oscar’s in this Sunday on ABC, as Conan O’Brien hosts for the 2nd year in a row. Bold prediction: Jason Derulo falls down the stairs, One Battle wins Best Picture, Michael B. LeBron wins Best Actor and ballet/opera is mentioned 250 times. Here’s everything else you need to know.
USA advances to quarterfinals of the WBC, as the Italians come through for us thanks to their espresso machine. Pulling for the boys, but can I be honest and say the DR team looks wayyyy more fun? Just electric vibes.
Today is Friday the 13th, the 2nd of 3 (!!) that will happen this year and the first time it’s happened in March since 2020. Do not be afraid, because it is also my Dad’s birthday. Everyone say “Happy Birthday Daily Friday Writer’s Dad.” Thank you in advance.
MOST UNTOUCHABLE RECORDS EVER
It’s been over 48 hours since A’Jai Wilson’s boyfriend dropped 83 points in a game and I still can’t wrap my head around it. A truly remarkable performance and a lesson in pure, unadultered record chasing. Have to respect it.
But more importantly, it was an eye-opening experience for my relationship with Wilt’s 100 points in a game record. If the 34th best player in the NBA can nearly break it, it’s no longer worthy of my Top 5 Most Untouchable Records. HERE’S WHICH ONES ARE.
Drilling 83 beers tonight in honor of Bam
Valentina Vassilyeva: an 18th century Russian peasant woman who gave birth 27 times to 69 children. Imagine what she could do with modern technology and Nick Cannon? If she’s not #1 on your list of most prolific mothers, you don’t know mothers.
Biden’s dog Commander: bit 24 Security Service guards in a year, include a month where he bit a guard 9 times. Just stat-padding at that point.
Wilt Chamberlain, 1961-62: averaged 50 points, 25 boards and 48.5 mins a game, all records. Yes, an NBA game is 48 minutes long. He sat down for 6 mins the entire SEASON and that was only because he fouled out. He also slept with 20,000 women. He was certainly not a fan of load management AMIRITE?!?!?
Gone with the Wind Box: adjusted for inflation, this movie brought in $4.6 BILLION, nearly doubling Avatar’s $2.9B in 2009 (#2 all time.) No special effects, no popcorn buckets, no press tours involving the color orange. Ethical box office production.
Joey Chestnut, 55 World Records: world records in 55 different eating categories is just bonkers. The King of Suckdown has mastered the art of consumption. We’re just lucky to be alive at the same time as him. Cherish it while you can.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Finance life-hack for the fellas: rather than blow 4-5 figs on a nice bag for your lady, go to the Devil Wears Prada 2 and snag a Popcorn Purse. You can re-invest the savings into same game parlays to fund your mobile hibachi truck business idea. Everyone wins.
Honestly might just keep this for myself. I feel like a man purse would go a long way
Transfixed by the German tourist who not only sued an NYC taqueria because the salsa was too spicy, but also dropped suits on Walmart for their WiFi policy and the NYPD for not connecting to foreign numbers. He was leaving his trip with something.
Me suing the restaurant for letting me order 3 bottles of wine and throw up on the table in the middle of what was technically a “work dinner with clients.”
With all that’s going on in the world, I just want to make sure you guys know that Mountain Dew has dropped a Baja Blast caffeinated under-eye skincare patch. Every soda brand needs to be in the skincare industry and I won’t stop until they are.
Pumped to add the caffeine patches to my morning skincare routine. Should be able to slot it in right after bonesmashing.
Love to see these nuns hooping in NYC. Nothing would brighten my day quite like seeing some ladies of the cloth running the triangle offense to perfection.
Running 3s like it’s the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Respect
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
LET’S WATCH HOOPS TOGETHER
It’s almost the most wonderful time of the year: opening weekend for tournament time. And what better way to spend it than by kicking back, sipping some delicious cocktails from Evan Williams* Game Day’s #1 Pour (Coke with Evan feels like Heaven) and watching it with your favorite crew from Friday Beers??
Join us Saturday, March 21st for a very special watch party at Losers Bar at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and to officially be inaugurated into the most elite society known to mankind: Evan Williams Bourbon Nation™. No matter who you’re pulling for in the games, at least there’s something that will unite us. Plus, as Kentucky’s first ever distiller, you know they know what they’re doing.
We’ll start as strangers in the 1st. We’ll end as friends in the 4th. Let’s rock.
*Evan Williams Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. Bardstown, KY. 43-45% alc./Vol. 21+ Enjoy Responsibly
SHOCKING Fraternity Hazing EXPOSED by Cops
Can’t believe they turned this one around so fast. Almost a shot for shot remake of the actual video. Another masterpiece from the squad.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
We are back with another beautiful edition of Who’s High, the game where we figure out who’s not high (featuring your fearless newsletter writer.)
Read this on your lunch break: My Year as a Degenerate Gambler (GREAT read. Almost as good as this sucker.)
I’ve actually never been more convinced that Bigfoot is real after we had double-digit sightings in Ohio this week. It all makes sense now.
The creative crisis at Pixar seems to have been solved with Hoppers but I hope it lasts. I miss the old-school hits they’d pump out.
Any day that we get a new Who’s Next Sports edit is a good one.
I found this article on the childhoods of exceptional people to be exceptionally interesting. Can I re-do mine?
It’s Friday. Fuck it. An Old Man’s Advice. Let’s have a weekend, shall we?
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