The Daily Friday: Friday 3/14

1. Trade wars with the EU continue, could raise the price of a Guinness. Forcing us to go bankrupt splitting the G on St. Patrick’s Day weekend is completely un-American. I am calling for an immediate ceasefire until Tuesday.

2. Conference tournament action heats up, as Cooper Flagg goes full Paul Pierce shitting his pants mode, Kentucky pulls off incredible buzzer-beater and the grandson of the inventor of tater-tots advances. We sleep in May.

3. Pokemon Go is purchased by Saudi Fund for $3.5 billion. I can’t think of a better group of people to have access to my location data at all times.

4. Carson Beck and Hanna Cavinder reportedly break up after the former Georgia QB finally heals his Snapchat arm and starts messaging other women. Every great quarterback is guilty of this kind of thing, Carson. Chin up.

5. Apple plans to release AirPods that can translate other languages live. I’m about to finally understand the long, whispered conversations my Uber drivers keep having on the phone. Life is good.

HAPPY PI DAY TO ALL

Today is 3/14, also known as Pi Day (because 3.14 is the pi number plus like a billion more digits.)

For those of you who failed geometry or didn’t do 3 minutes of Googling this morning like I did, here’s some fun facts about Pi for you to steal and yammer on about at afters tonight. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Pi is generally considered the second most important number in the world, narrowly losing to 69, the oral sex position that is actually not that fun and kind of distracting and exhausting. Anyways, the reason Pi is important is because it’s a mathematical constant and infinite decimal that is essential to many calculations and part of the mystery of the universe.

• Pi was discovered by the Babylonians around 2,000 BC. There were still wooly mammoths around and aliens had not yet built the Taj Mahal. Mind blowing shit.

• Though the discovery of the number is old, the symbol for pi that we use today was only popularized in 1737. That’s wild. I wonder what people got tattoos of to seem deep and thoughtful before then.

• Akira Haraguchi is the current world record holder for most digits recited in one setting, after he rattled off 100k numbers in 16 hours in 2006. His trick to memorizing the numbers was that he linked each digit to a syllable, formed words and created a collection of stories. Arguably sounds harder than memorizing the numbers, but go off. Might try it for my social security number moving forward. I can never remember if it’s 198876543 or 198876534.

• Pie is also a delicious dessert consisting of a pastry crust and a filling, generally fruit but sometimes meat if you’re British and disgusting. When pie is warmed, it can be passionately made love to, much like Jim Leavenstein in American Pie. WARNING: pie must be warm, not hot, or you will scald your penis to high heaven. I’ve learned this the hard way.

DOC’S LOCKS

God, I love conference championship week. It’s the perfect time to shake off the cobwebs and get into proper gambling shape for the Round of 64. Dr. Locks has been sweating picks all week and has two can’t miss-ers for you today.

As always, we’ll be partnering with BetMGM, so make sure you sign up today using FBDAILY for up to $1500 in free bets.

SEASON RECORD: 4-2

Auburn to win SEC tournament: +165

Bruce Pearl has had this squad primed for a deep run all year. While the #1 team in the country may have their sights on a national title, don’t expect them to take this tournament lightly. Take the odds and hammer the Tigers to hoist the trophy.

St. John’s to win Big East tournament: +100

It’s a magical season in the Big Apple. This is a team of destiny and you don’t mess with that. Pitino has whipped these boys into grown ass mean. Time for them to take it out on the rest of the conference.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)

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SCARED STRAIGHT (OFFICE EDITION)

This was easily the scariest sketch AFTV has ever created. I watched it right before bed and didn’t sleep a wink. And good riddance. True art should aim to horrify. Bravo.

PS - we are rapidly approaching the crew’s spring tour. Shows are selling out fast so get them while you can. Or don’t and live to regret it for the rest of your life. Up to you.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Huge news: LA Sparks are holding tryouts for male practice players. Perfect opportunity for me to show Cameron Brink that I’m totally over her not replying to my DMs and am ready to just focus on good, solid, fundamental basketball. Uppies please.

Another year, another dominant bowl-flipping unicycle performance from Red Panda at the Big East tournament. This queen has been doing this at the highest level since 1994. That’s a level of longevity that we will never see again.

Normal I’m anti-TSA, but I gotta give props for stopping the man who tried to sneak his turtle through security by stuffing it down the front of his pants. Any person who is comfortable with a tortoise that close to their penis should be on a no-fly list.

Not political, just an observation: the way these microphones swing around Zelensky at his press conference is bonkers. Imagine how stressful that would be to make sure your mic gets there first? How can he possibly focus on talking with that going on?

As someone who’s first crush was on London Tipton, I’m feeling very justified that Brenda Song is going viral lately for being hot and cool and stuff. Good things happen to hot people ❤️ 

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This was a masterpiece of a text-tracking video on the Friday Beers main page this week. Shoutout to our editor Caleb. An artist at the peak of his powers who has mastered the technical, storytelling and emotional elements of the form.

• Read this on your lunch break: It’s Taylor Sheridan’s world. We’re just living in it.

• Watch the trailer for ‘The Age of Disclosure,’ a doc making waves at SXSW with interviews from 34 senior members of the US government who discuss 80 years of government cover-ups about non-human intelligent life and tech. LFG.

• Everyone call your local politicians and demand that we bring back Roller Derby. It’s the only thing that can heal us as a nation.

• Imagine having a pregame tonight and not playing the Almost Friday card game? You’d have to be a complete and total moron.

• It’s Friday. Time to pull up the Always Sunny Power Hour at the pregame tonight and have the greatest St. Patrick’s Day weekend of your life. You deserve it.