March Madness is off to an electric start, as High Point stuns Wisconsin after this kid finally makes a 2 point FG (only after burying this,) 5 Sienna guys nearly take down Duke, VCU takes down UNC (Hill is a legend) and Ohio State pulls off the worst play ever to lose to TCU. What was the plan there?
The Bachelorette cancelled days before airing, after video leaks of lead Taylor Frankie Paul (and Secret Lives of Mormon Wives star) attacking her ex. Then, to make matters worse, BYU loses? Worst day to be to Mormon since Trey Parker and Matt Stone decided to write a musical.
Meta says that they won’t shut down their Metaverse after announcing the cancellation of the $80B project, to “support the fans who’ve reached out.” Wow, proof that 7 people can change the world. Inspiring moment.
Chuck Norris dies at 86, as the star of ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’ and roughly 80% of OG Internet culture passes from a medical emergency. I’ll always remember his guts for letting Average Joes fulfill their destiny. RIP.
Afroman is my new personal hero. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
PS - today is the first official day of spring so please make sure you’re celebrating with one of these and also keeping an eye out for bees. They might just steal your girl.
AFROMAN IS THE MAN
Life lesson for all future law enforcement: do not pick a fight with a man who is capable of writing Colt 45 and Because I Got High. The pen is always mightier than the sword.
Yesterday, Afroman won a defamation lawsuit filed by seven Ohio deputies and solidified himself as a free speech hero in America. I always knew he had it in him. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
They don’t stand a chance against drip like this.
Some quick background: in 2022, Afroman’s Ohio home was raided by police officers while his young children were home, with detective causing $20k in damage to his home and taking $5k in cash, which they returned with $400 missing. The perfect crime.
Afroman responded by releasing a diss track album of absolute bops that featured security camera footage of officers with songs like Lemon Pound Cake, Will You Help Me Repair My Door and Why You Disconnecting My Video Camera. Is this whole thing a viral album marketing stunt? I honestly don’t even care. Songs are just way too good.
Deputies sued Afroman for defamation and $4M in emotional damages, which meant they had to go on trial to testify they weren’t sure if Afroman slept with their wife (if you’re not sure, he definitely did) and had question their own genders. One lady even had to go full Kyle Rittenhouse mode (performatively cry on stand) while watching a video of her own diss track. Tough look, guys.
The chef’s kiss had to be the cop who tried to claim Afroman caused his ex-wife to leave him after he released a diss track exposing the cop for sleeping with underage girls. His ex-wife then went on the stand just to say she was going to leave him anyways. Love to have all that on the public record.
With his victory, Afroman can now add Free Speech Advocate and Civil Rights Hero to an impressive resume that include a Grammy nomination and 2024 Presidential candidate. Fuck it, I’d vote for him in 2028. Give us something to believe in.
This is just the tip of the iceberg for what happened, but luckily we broke the whole case down in depth over on the podcast. Check it out.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
According to scientists, sharks in the Bahamas are full of cocaine, coffee and painkillers. What, no quaaludes and brown liquor? Didn’t know sharks were so soft.
Shark wouldn’t even make it through one year as a Morgan Stanley analyst. Gotta get those substance up, brother.
Nothing makes me feel older than hearing Jaylen Brown say that he memorizes his teammate’s astrology and numerology charts to help become a better leader for the Celtics. Imagine pulling that shit with Kevin Garnett? He’d chew your face off.
Ugh Kevin, you’re such a Taurus
Well done to Clavicular for walking out of this interview after Andrew Callaghan refused to admit that he was ugly. You wouldn’t interview the Buddha or Plato and act like you know everything, would you? Respect the king.
LADIES: If your man isn’t willing to go to 3 months in a Thai jail cell for you after helping you cheat during your e-sports match, then he’s not a real man. Modern day Bonnie and Clyde behavior from these two star-crossed lovers.
I’d risk it all for her too. I get it.
Good for Baywatch. Let’s not over-think things. Just get Brooks Nader, Livvy Dunne and every other hot person alive, put them in bikinis, and call it a day. I’ll watch.
Just run the damn ball. Love it.
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
It’s the best time of the year. Here are some can’t miss picks for tonight’s games from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy. They never miss (unless they do and then it’s not their fault.)
#13 Cal-Baptist vs. #4 Kansas: Cal Baptist +14.5
#10 UCF vs. #7 UCLA: UCLA -5.5
#10 Missouri vs. #7 Miami: Missouri +2.5
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WE NEED TO LEAVE THIS BACHELOR PARTY
Might be the most relatable piece on content the crew has put out. For me personally at least. Watch this or bad luck for the next 100 years.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Japanese 7-11, I was not familiar with your booze game. Well done.
Read this on your lunch break: How Doomed is the Price of Oil? An FAQ.
It really is a sign of the times that Polymarket has created a Buffalo Wild Wings for monitoring warfare. Might just be the dream first date location.
The incredible story of the Cartel Olympics is a must read.
Debating the boys night out is the perfect piece of content for me. Excellent work.
Get your weekend off on the right food with the wisdom of 101 pieces of additional advice.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. The WKUK’s always relevant sketch.
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