The Daily Friday: Friday 3/21

1. DoorDash and Klarna sign deal to allow customers to pay for food in interest-free installments. Perfect - free money. I’m about to get so much Panda Express this weekend, it’s gonna crash the economy. Not my problem anymore.

2. Tough week for Tesla, as stock drops 45% after backlash around Elon’s White House involvement and 46,000 Cybertrucks were recalled due to faulty exterior (this tweet blew my mind.) I’m sure everyone will be normal about this.

3. Celtics purchased for $6.1B by Bill Chisholm, making it the most expensive US sports team sale ever. Hopefully he’ll have enough money left to sign Bronny James this off-season. He’s going to demand top dollar after this game.

4. Massive structure under the Giza Pyramids found, sparks theories about ancient energy grids. I swear to God, if anything on Ancient Aliens is true, my grandpa will be so insufferable I’m gonna have to put him in a home. Sorry.

5. World Happiness Report is released as Finland continues dominant run, winning for the 8th consecutive time. The US falls down to 24th, our lowest spot ever. Let’s fix that this weekend with a good, solid Chili’s run.

ROUND 1 MADNESS

Ok, everyone catch your breath. Day 1 of March Madness is over and while Dr. Locks and Glue Guy are getting massages in Vegas, the rest of us have to sit here and sweat out another day of pretending to work (thank god I didn’t get fired for this.)

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Easily the biggest hero of the evening was the McNeese State manager, who heroically led them to an upset over Clemson. Aura like you read about. Can’t name a single actual player on their team, but that’s not important.

• Big day for Drake, as the 11 seed stuns Missouri and the rapper’s DMs get leaked. Can someone watch this video and tell me if there’s anything interesting? Got busy today.

• Ceighton takes down Louisville thanks to their point guard who cannot be a day younger than 47. I think I played against him in a men’s league last week.

• St. John’s dominates, has early contender for celebration of the year. If that happened in the NFL, that player would be taken to midfield and shot in the skull. Calipari vs. Pitino is going to be electric.

• I’m hammering BYU in every game moving forward as a show of respect to the Tater Tot community.

Here’s the best part: we get to do it all again today. Personally, I’m going to be hammering St. Mary’s, who has the country’s #1 glue guy in Luke Barrett. But that’s just me (a guy who really knows ball and has never been wrong about anything.)

SUN’S OUT, RUM’S OUT

It’s been a long winter, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are knocking on the door of prime good weather season and I can feel it in my bones. Can you? 

When the sun finally starts to come out and the vibes start to turn up, nothing hits the spot quite like a Bacardi & Cola. The recipe is simple. Just 1.5 parts Bacardi Superior Rum, 3 parts cola, and a littleeee lime as garnish and you’re ready to rock. 

So what are you waiting for? Go find your perfect cocktail mix today. 

MAN SCALES EX-GF’S APARTMENT BUILDING

And kids, THAT…is how I met your mother. Fantastic sketch all-around. Gotta give a shout to Strider. A brief yet meaningful performance here. 10/10.

We are ONE WEEK OUT from the AFTV live show tour. Grab your tickets to Pittsburgh on 3/27, Boston on 3/28, Toronto on 3/29 and Arlington on 3/30 while you still can.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Pushed play on this Dua Lipa video yesterday morning, looked up, and realized I’d watched for 19 hours without blinking once. Very sinister. Could a mind-control device with national security implications. More research is needed; time to watch again.

Absolutely love this Masters Club Dinner from Scottie Scheffler. Clearly a man who has put in the time at his local Applebeers and refined his palette appropriately. Bravo.

Disgusted by this generation, who are doing things like mentally adding up 100 four-digit numbers in 30.9 seconds. What’s wrong with calculators? If we get rid of them, we also get rid of typing out 80085 and playing Block Dude. Think of the implications.

Sorry can’t hang, I’m taking care of my new Tamagatchi Vape that dies if you stop puffing on it. Fatherhood is not easy, but it’s worth it. You’ll understand one day.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The CBTM Move Madness bracket is a glorious thing of beauty. If 5 seed Doctor’s Room PPV doesn’t make it to the Sweet 16, I’m unfollowing.

• Read this on your lunch break: How the Irish Pub Became One of the Emerald Isle’s Greatest Exports.

• Is there a bigger electric factory than the German Forklifting Championships? More research is need but to my knowledge, no there is absolutely not.

• Is Everything a Humiliation Ritual? Probably not. Let’s touch grass everyone.

• This video confirms that Austin Reeves is Pete Maravich re-incarnated (not sure if he’s dead and don’t have time to look it up.) Fuck it, Pistol Pete college highlights.

• It’s Friday. Let’s enjoy some of Jon Taffer’s angriest moments in Bar Rescue history before hitting the bars tonight. Just to get in the right frame of mind.