Madness in the Sweet 16, as Purdue holds off Texas with a last second tip-in (relatable), Houston forgot how to score, & Nebraska deploys the rarely-used 4 man defensive maneuver. Disastrous result, but respect the innovation.
OpenAI has shelved its erotica mode in ChatGPT, days after ditching the Sora app. This happened so fast, I never got to say goodbye to my soulmate. Life lesson: tell virtual girlfriends how you feel about them, before it’s too late.
MLB season is off to a hot start, as this guy messes up the national anthem, this catchers gets walloped in the penis region, and Bohm hits a bomb after suing his mom (and dad.) Only 161 more games to go.
Meta and YouTube are ordered to pay $3M in damages to a now 20 year old woman who became addicted to the platforms. God, she’s lucky. Time to reinvest that into Farmville Bucks & fund years of corn production on Facebook.
FBI head Kash Patel had his personal email hacked by an Iran-linked group. Luckily, the entire inbox was just desperate, one-sided email threads with Team USA hockey guys to see if they want to hang again. Nation is safe.
Not sure what’s in the air this week, but the timeline has been nuts. Chappel Roan killed a child (probably.) Alan Ritchston nearly killed his neighbor. A limbless pro cornhole player defied the laws of nature. United made the mile-high club that much easier.
Luckily, we broke it all down with our special guest Sam Swank. Enjoy.
FULL ON OCEAN’S ELEVEN
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Standing Shrimp Cocktail…Could Be The Move.
Heading off to Vegas this weekend. Watch some NCAA Tourney, maybe a little Blue Man Group, I dunno. Last couple days I was trying to think of an all-encompassing Vegas Move. One that stands out, perks the ears up when mentioned. So many came to mind:
Vibe Out at the Craps Table.
I don't know what the hell's going on over there, but it looks fun. A lot more fun than Debbie the Dealer turning over Ace/Jack for the 12th time. Maybe head over with a couple beers, soak in the fun.
Gift Your Buddies a World Series Bet of Their Favorite Team.
Lil' $10 bet on the O's, Sox, A's, Rockies, whatever they fancy. Head over to bro's desk opening day. "Happy opening day." Float over a Rays World Series Winner. +9000.
Hard to land on one. The city is filled with so many plays.
Then I started thinking of Moves I'd pull if I wasn't scared... Like robbing a casino Ocean's 11 style.
How sick would that be? You recruit 10 of your best. Spend months dialing in some sophisticated game plan. No smash and grab bullshit, but a well thought out chess match with some of the best security in the world. I don’t know, just feel like the planning, the fits, the "we're clear", coupla' victory stoags. How sick would that be?
Who am I kidding... All a pipe dream. A damn fantasy. Should've never brought it up. I'll never throw on a 5k suit, scout out the Bellagio, eat a standing shrimp cocktail. Damn shame as far as I'm concerned.
Then again... Instead of risking the 20+ years in prison, why not get your Ocean's 11 on elsewhere. Dial in an elaborate prank, organize a detailed bar crawl, help your buddy get out of his slump.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
RELATABLE: Shaq denies sending Sabrina Carpenter ‘horny messages,’ claims that he ‘has more game than that.’ Yes, that is a real quote that I did not make up (unlike this one, which I did make up.) I love this world so much ❤
Shaq and Sabrina Carpenter
Love to see this gentleman going viral for having the most Brooklyn accent ever, but I’m stunned that no one recognizes him as Chris Scali from Season 1 of Are You the One? One of my personal heroes.
this man has the voice of an angel
Let’s stand and tip our caps to the 20 year old who took it upon himself to be a crossing guard on weekends and evenings, even while getting chirped by drivers. Bad things happen when good men do nothing. Keep fighting the good fight, sir.
Protects this kid at at all costs
BREAKING: Clavicular has been arrested in Florida, just hours after he invented the term ‘by-yourself-maxxing.’ Yet another bright, young man falls victim to the prison industrial complex. When will the madness end?
Me outside of Clavicular’s jail cell trying to convince the guard to let me take his place instead
Just a reminder that Jennifer Lopez has still got it at 56. Please don’t show this to Ben Affleck. We don’t want him backsliding. He needs to focus on saving Hollywood.
She’s a crazy lady but she’s our crazy lady.
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
It’s the best time of the year. Here are some can’t miss picks for tonight’s games from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy. They never miss (unless they do and then it’s not their fault.)
TOURNAMENT RECORD: 3-4
St. John’s vs. Duke: St. John’s +6.5
Alabama vs. Michigan: Michigan -10.5
Michigan St. vs. UConn: UConn -1.5
Tennessee vs. Iowa State: iowa State -4.5
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I'M STUCK IN A TIME LOOP
Season 8 ends on a high note with this incredible finale. PS- shoutout to whoever on the team put ‘Death’s End’ on Will’s bed. Great book. Better have been the un-translated version though #chinamaxxing.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
There’s not a more inspiring story going on in the world right now than the 10 lost Chinese dogs who were kidnapped, broke out of a cage and found their way home.
Read this on your lunch break: The Worst Neighbor Ever.
To be totally fair to everyone involved in this situation, 1) Eilise would not like that movie and 2) literally no one knows her at all. Both things can be true.
The Last Great Weed Smuggler is a great read to take you into the weekend.
Pretty insane how accurately Druski portrayed my middle school lunch lady that was ultimately my sexual awakening. I find this video hard to masturbate to, but not impossible.
Great breakdown on why it is now more lucrative to have a losing baseball team than a winning one. Life as a Red Sox fan is constant pain (not really.)
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Best of Stevie Janowski from Eastbound and Down. Just to get us to happy hour.
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