The Daily Friday: Friday 3/28

1. Baseball is back and I’m so fired up I don’t even care that the MLB TV app crashed immediately. It’s a long season. Plenty of time to turn things around. Watch this video to put you in a good mood. #bringbacksteroids.

2. Impractical Jokers star Joey Gatto enters rehab after allegations of sexual assault and relations with teenagers. These prank punishments are getting out of control. They really got rehab for everything now, huh?

3. New Hunger Games book sells 1.5 MILLION copies. Fellas: buy this, go to a coffee shop, wear glasses & a scarf and nod vigorously while turning the pages (don’t have to actually read it.) You’ll have to beat the women off with a stick.

4. CIA found the Ark of the Covenant using psychics and ‘remote viewers,’ according to declassified files. Are we sure this isn’t a marketing stunt for a new Indiana Jones? Just do a popcorn bucket that we can fuck like everyone else.

5. Beef between Lebron and Stephen A escalates, as America’s next president goes on insane 15 min. rant after James addressed the conflict on Pat McAfee. Josh Giddey is clearly a soldier in the fight and team SAS.

What a night of bracket madness. And no, I’m not talking about Texas Tech’s comeback to knock out Calipari and the Hogs. I’m talking about Harambe and his dominant championship game performance over Hasbulla in our Meme Madness bracket, as he pulls out a 71% - 29% win. It was always you, sweet prince.

It turns out that nothing can take down this glorious gorilla (except for a Cincinatti zookeeper with a sniper rifle.) Get yourself a shirt to celebrate. You earned it.

OFFICER PRANKSTER, REPORTING FOR DUTY

The long term effects of Reno 911 need to be studied.

A 26 year veteran New Jersey police chief Robert Farley has been accused by his colleagues with creating a hostile environment by executing some out of bounds pranks I’ve ever seen. What happened to the culture of silence? Snitches.

Let’s break down his incredible ‘pranks.’

• Lighting firecrackers under people’s desks: Looney Toons ass prank. Respect.

• Defecating near people’s desks and garbage cans: Impossibly hard to pull off. This requires fully pulling down the pants, squeezing one out in public and hopefully wiping before someone stops you. Not exactly a “prank” but impressive.

• Dosing officer’s drinks with Viagra and Adderall: Pretty generous move tbh. Cops are mainly middle-aged portly men with marriage problems. Sexual drive and energy are at a premium. Plus, these drugs aren’t cheap. Bravo, sir.

• Chasing an officer around the office, jabbing a hypothermic needle into his jeans, and stabbing his penis, drawing blood: Seems like this guy needs thicker jeans. Not Farley’s fault. Step your denim game up, rook.

• Shaving and putting his body hair on people’s food: Hard pass on this one. Unless he offers to buy me Jersey Mike’s after and lets me use my own reward points (trying to win this NHL betting contest on the app.) That’d be a nice gesture.

• Exposing himself: This depends on what he exposed. Just the nuts? Good fun. Full penis? Funny once. The entire gooch and butthole? Hilarious.

THE NO-NONSENSE GROOMING BRAND FOR EVERY MAN

Hey Handsome, Nice Face You Shaved There. 

Has anyone ever said that to you? If not, it’s probably because you haven’t tried out Dollar Shave Club yet. 

Whether you’re going for a clean, close shave or keeping the beard tight, Dollar Shave Club has all the shave and grooming products you need. Always high quality, never over-priced. 

My personal favorite has gotta be the Club Series Diamond Grip Handle. With a diamond patterned grip designed for comfort and control, it’s super clingy in a good way. And once you pair with their Club Series 6 Blade Razor, what’s better than that?

Plus, if you buy today with code DAILYFRIDAY, you’ll get 20% off any purchases $20 or more

FINALLY MEETING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S FAMILY

If everyone episode of The Bachelorette was like this, I might actually watch it.

LAST CALL FOR THE AFTV LIVE SHOW. The squad is performing live this weekend in Boston (tomorrow), Toronto (Saturday) and Arlington (Sunday.) Go see them do what they do on the Internet but on the stage.

I saw them in LA and let me just say: it’s worth the ticket.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Sydney Sweeney officially has allegedly called off her wedding probably, due to ‘major issues’ in her relationship. Time to play it cool. Gonna casually fly to Africa, buy a cool hat and then just let her come to me. Can’t have an Australia repeat.

After a kid claimed monsters were under her bed, a babysitter checked and found a grown man hiding there. Gotta feel so vindicating for the child. Honestly jealous.

A 66 year old German woman has her 10th baby without IVF, says she “has no problem getting pregnant.” I would say the problem is avoiding pregnancy at this point, but to each their own. Keep this woman far away from Elon Musk.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend says she does not want to be called “Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend.” I apologize. I will also stop calling Bronny “Lebron’s son” and Joe Biden “Hunter’s Dad.” You are all your own people and I need to do better.

This clip is just some good old-fashioned weatherman fun. Now THIS is the perfect environment for the poop/Viagara/penis needle prank officer to work in.

NO CABIN IS SAFE

Pack your body bags for NEON’s outrageously bloody and funny new horror movie, HELL OF A SUMMER.

Starring Finn Wolfhard, Billy Bryk, and Fred Hechinger, HELL OF A SUMMER follows a group of counselors trying to take down a killer stalking the camp. 

Get tickets now for HELL OF A SUMMER, the slasher movie event of the year, in theaters April 4th.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Our collab with Who’s Next Sports might’ve been my favorite collab of all time. Massive fan. Had no idea the Lebron thing was coming.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Man Who Went to Fake Prison and then Real Jail.

• This is one of the worst girlfriends of all time. She needs to be way more understanding. Do better, ladies.

• A full, comprehensive breakdown of the most impressive thing Jason Statham’s character has done in a movie is exactly what I needed to get to the end of the day.

• Fellas, if you’re hitting the bar with your buddy tonight, try to work together like J-Kidd and Vince did in their primes. Two is better than one, remember that.

• It’s Friday. Fuck it. Time to throw on the Power Hour of comedy movies and get absolutely shit-hammered tonight. Let’s have one.