The Daily Friday: Friday 4/11

1. Minecraft movie continues to crush thanks to Chicken Jockey trend involving teenagers throwing popcorn & sitting on each other’s shoulders. Movie theater janitor is now a worse custodial workplace than Lily Phillips set.

2. Stock market rallies on same day that LeBron Barbie is released. Coincidence? Absolutely not. Release a Harrison Barnesbie next and then our GDP will quadruple. Trust me, I majored in Econ.

3. Masters Day 1 ends with Justin Rose holding 3 stroke lead, as Scottie Scheffler looms large in second place. This video by editor Caleb was perfection. Here’s to the best weekend of the year.

4. Trump signs bill banning low pressure showers to ‘take care of my beautiful hair.’ Definitely the priority right now. Do the flushing power in our office toilets next please. They can’t handle the kind of shits I’m dropping.

5. WeightWatchers declares bankruptcy as stock continues to plunge. First Oprah, then Tracy Morgan and now this? Ozempic is undefeated.

Hello, friends. A tradition unlike any other deserves apparel unlike any other. Snag your Masters merch today over at our shop. This sucker is my personal favorite but you can’t go wrong with anything in the collection. Go hog-wild.

UBER LOST AND FOUND

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Uber’s release of their annual Lost and Found. Of course, the list has tons of helpful information like “People are more likely to forget cowboy hats on Saturdays.” However, the real gold is in some of the absurd items people left behind. Here are my personal favorites.

• Boiled eggs and a candle: an incredibly romantic night was just completely ruined. And in this economy, a mishap like this could run you thousands. Someone help them budget.

• 5 gallon bucket of beans: Where you going with all those beans man??? Kinda curious if they were wet or dry beans but either way…that’s a lotta legumes. Reminds me of this sketch. 

• Breast Milk: “For Sale. Breast Milk. Never Drank.” The most tragic story ever written. On the bright side, if the milk sat in the trunk long enough, it might become breast cheese or even breast yogurt. Even in darkness there is light.

• Shrek Ears: any self-respecting Shrek Ears owner knows that lost ears are just part of the lifestyle. Gotta chalk it up to the game. This is why we buy in bulk.

• Two Mattresses: was this left in an Uber XXXXXL??? How in Lebron’s name did they fit this in a car?

• Witch’s brooms: gonna have to assume these were not functional flying brooms, otherwise you’d have no reason to call an Uber right? I’m not as well-versed in witch culture as I’d like to be though, so I could be wrong.

• 15 hookahs: wow, had no idea that the worst guy from my high school got unbanned from Uber. Congrats Jaxon and sorry about the missing hookahs.

• “I left my black lightsaber. It turns red when you turn it on:” Oh did you also leave your fully loaded gun in the car sir??? Get the hell out of here before you get someone killed, Darth Maul. (I haven’t kept up with the Star Wars spin off multiverse, so hoping that’s still a relevant reference.)

• Mannequin head with human hair: Refreshing. You generally only see human heads with fake hair, not the other way around. Life is full of surprises.

HOW TO BLEND IN

Maybe a Top 5 thumbnail of all time. Well done to the thumbnail team.

The How-To series marches on with our good friend Willy educating the viewers while rocking blue-face. A little offensive to the Avatar alien community, but we’ll allow it.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Nintendo designs new Switch to taste so bad users have to spit it out. Oh we’re gonna put that puppy to the test this weekend. I’ll be the judge of that one, pal.

“Orgasm camp” in Joshua Tree teaches “women” how to have great “orgasms”. Fantasy camps are getting completely out of control these days. Trust me, girls don’t do that stuff. They tell me that all the time.

What the hell is up with Ja Morant? He’s done celebrations with machine guns, grenades, and hand guns but not a single one with the most powerful weapon of all: vulnerability. #menhavefeelingstoo.

I hate to comment on this kind of stuff (i absolutely love to) but I’ll just say: I know Timothee Chalamet is drinking these Kylie Jenner milkers completely dry. God bless America. And god bless the New York Jets.

DRINKING FRIDAY BEERS ON A FRIDAY: PHILLY HAS ARRIVED

TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF PHILLY AND THE GREATER PHILADELPHIA AREA AT LARGE. Your prayers have been answered. We are officially in your city.

Here’s how you should enjoy this weekend.

Weather Report: High 40s, Low 50s. Looking like rain, but that never stopped anyone. That’s drinking weather, folks.

Friday Afternoon Game-Plan: On your way home from work, hop over to your friendly neighborhood distributor, grab 2-12 cases of the finest light beer known to mankind, and drive back to your house as fast as your 2011 Toyota Corolla can go. Pop on the Phils game, crack a cold one, and enjoy the great indoors.

Where to Get Your Beers: Beer Mill in West Chester. An excellent selection at affordable prices. What’s not to love?

If you do decide to pivot and leave the comforts of your beautiful 400 square foot apartment, there’s no better bar to suck some down at than Montellas Sports Bar. Fantastic wings, cold Friday Beers on tap, and good vibes all around. Done and done.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The Friday Beers crew squared off against Full Squad in a very heated Wii Golf tournament. Excellent content. 

• Read this on your lunch break: How the Minecraft Movie Became Rocky Horror for Tik-Tok Kids.

• The AI Jesus Podcast is perfect. I completely agree: Dumb and Dumber is the greatest achievement in film history. And it’s not particularly close.

• Why the Ultra-Rich are unplugging and building ‘Analog Houses.’ Another good read.

• 🚨WHOLESOME CONTENT ALERT 🚨Gary Player dropped some incredible life advice during the Master’s broadcast. Worth the watch.

• Here’s a take: if you have read receipts on, you are a bad person. I don’t mean that, but I kind of do.

• It’s Friday. Fuck it. Let’s fight off rejection at the bar like Jayson Werth fought off fastballs in this epic at bat. Inspiring stuff.