The Daily Friday: Friday 4/18

1. Lee Corso announces his retirement from College Game Day after 38 years of excellence. That’s Brady, LeBron and Salma Hayek levels of longevity. Enjoy the definitive ranking of his greatest moments (thank you, Glue Guy.)

2. Mr. Beast conference in Vegas leaves fans ‘outraged’ over long lines and high prices at the immersive event. Feel bad for these people. They already are grown adults calling themselves Mr. Beast fans. Their lives are hard enough.

3. We can officially bet on sperm racing. Finally. I’m taking my entire tax refund and throwing it on Elon Musk ML. Much better use of his sperm than his current method. Honestly a little offended he hasn’t tried to impregnate me.

4. Fyre Fest 2 may be cancelled, as they run into issues with resort hosting the event. Gotta meet the people who bought tickets. That’s a level of forgiveness and a willingness to forget the past that I need in all my relationships.

5. Canada moves timing of nationally televised debate so it would not conflict with the Habs game. Gotta hand it to the neighbors up North. They seem to have their priorities straight. Puck over politics, always.

Today is Good Friday. But let’s make it a great Friday. How about that?

NEW EARTH JUST DROPPED

Big week for space news.

This week, scientists found ‘strongest evidence yet’ of life on a planet called K2-18b that is 124 light years away. Hell yes. While scientists say it may take 1 to 2 years to confirm if the planet is indeed hospitable, that doesn’t mean we can’t start planning a trip now.

HERE’S WHO SHOULD BE ON THE FIRST MISSION.

MISSION TO K2-18b: THE CREW

• Anthony Edwards: one of the most fertile men in human history. We will repopulate that planet in no time at all. A modern day Genghis Khan.

• Parvati from Survivor: She has experience surviving the elements with minimal supplies. Plus, she is hot. And while that’s not essential, it does help. Boston Rob was in the running for this position for the same exact reasons until his Traitors performance (you can’t go that hard that early, Mr. Rob.)

• Dan Campbell: if aliens are there, we need a master motivator to lead us in battle. To inspire this rag-tag group of humans to bite a kneecap. He’s our guy.

• Adele: the Katy Perry experience made one thing clear: there’s nothing better than a declining pop star belting it in space. Adele has the best singing voice ever AND she also has a funny British accent. Need that around base camp.

  

  Adele seeing the aliens on the new planet: “Oy what’s all this then???”

• Evil Chinese Scientist on Twitter: we need a scientist and one who’s not a nerd like Neil Degrasse Tyson or morally confused like Oppenheimer (wahhh I’m so conflicted about building a nuclear bomb wahhh I can’t pick between Emily Blunt and Florence Pugh wahhh SHUT UP.) Need someone who can make tough decisions.

• Ryen Russilo: life advice in space. No further questions.

• Cameron Brink: Beauty. Height. Dominant low-post game. These are the traits that we want the next generation of human to have. She also will be helpful in reaching tall things off of cupboards, which you can’t discount.

• Budimir Šobat of Croatia: the Guinness record holder for longest time spent holding your breath (24 minutes.) Helpful if he has to go into space without a helmet or if someone farts in that same helmet. Purely logistical choice.

• My Buddy Chris: All-time vibes guy. Always got a vape if you need it. Cigs if you want those. Killer on the aux. Perfect balance of chill and lit. Sneaky good at guitar, but not braggy about it. Plus, he got a B+ in Physics. Not too shabby.

DOC’S LOCKS

It’s the last night of the NBA play-in, which means one thing: we are 24 hours away from the glory that is the NBA playoffs. Fire me all the way up.

Here’s who the good doctor Dr. Locks is hammering tonight.

NBA PLAY-IN BETS: Grizzles ML + Heat ML: Parlay, +160

Two teams fighting for the right to get swept in Round 1. This cheeky little parlay isn’t really a vote for Memphis or Miami - it’s a bet against Mavs (cooked) and the Hawks (dead.) Book it.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

A Texas school bans the Virginia state flag because it features a bare breast (medical term for ‘mommy milker.’) First they ban Porn-Hub and now this? What else are students supposed to crank to in class?

Shoutout to the Tennessee pastor who was finally returned home after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint in South Africa and immediately was most upset when he learned about Nico transferring. It really does mean more in the SEC.

Canadian golfers get into massive brawl that ends with a broken jaw after one group was playing too slow. Worth it. I’d rather die than let someone play through.

Personally, I find it disgusting that Paige Spiranac would wear this bodysuit onto a golf course.Going to have to watch the video multiple times to make sure it’s real.

HOW TO FIX A LEAK

This one was the first one that actually related to my life experiences and personal challenges 100%. Thank you for your service, AFTV team.

The How-To series marches on, with the final episode dropping next week. Treat yourself to a nice little binge this afternoon. You deserve it.

DRINKING FRIDAY BEERS ON A FRIDAY: PHILLY

TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF PHILLY AND THE GREATER PHILADELPHIA AREA AT LARGE. Your prayers have been answered. We are officially in your city.

Here’s how you should enjoy this weekend.

Weather Report: Mid 70s - 80s. Sunny as hell. Good god, that’s drinking weather.

Friday Afternoon Game-Plan: Tie one off in the sunshine. Simple as that.

Where to Grab a 12-Pack: East Falls Beverage. Cold beer. Cool pictures. Fantastic vibes.

What Bar to Hit: Wicked Wolf in Philadelphia. All-time turn up spot. Personally, I am not hot enough to be allowed into this establishment but you guys almost certainly are.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Willy is getting soooo close to throwing a football over our entire office and landing it in a bucket. Or shattering the windows of every surrounding office.

• Read this on your lunch break: The People Who Never Get Hangovers.

• Hoping I get the chance to peep my bro’s dingaling tonight at the bar tonight. Bro has really grown 🙏🏻

• Really enjoyed this story about the Kowloon Walled City, the most crowded city in human history, from Dude Stuff Media. Thank you Dude Stuff Media.

• Just found the perfect thing to throw on at the postgame: a 24/7 rolling livestream of the Swedish great moose migration. Incredible vibes.

• In honor of the new season of Black Mirror, the definitive ranking of every single episode. Jon Hamm Christmas one takes the cake for me.

• It’s a Friday afternoon. Time to grab a chair, a nice piece of grass and pound a 12-pack while cranking the only living recording of Johnny Cash and John Denver playing ‘Take Me Home, Country Roads.’ Like God intended.