Round 1 of the NFL Draft is in the books, with Mendoza going #1, the Rams reaching for Simpson at 13 and the perfect storm of misery for NY fans. Still wasn’t the most important draft of the day (this was) but second place is fine.
Michael Jackson biopic ‘Michael’ debuts, aims for a record $70M opener despite poor critic reviews. The film will cover his life, right up until those pesky allegations that ultimately defined his legacy. What a coincidence.
Iran War continues to impact business, as supply issues may lead to price increases from Kurex, the world’s largest condom maker. I should be fine. When the world’s “totally normal sized and there’s nothing to be insecure about” condom maker is impacted, then I’ll really start to worry.
US soldier allegedly used insider information to make $400k on a Polymarket bet around Maduro’s capture, leading to a new Trumpism. Get ready for this to keep happening way more. I’m just kinda jealous I’ll never have any information worth anything ever.
The Russini-Vrabel situation has gotten worse. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
But first…spring has officially sprung. If you were too busy enjoying God’s green Earth to pay attention to the news firehose this week, don’t worry: we got you covered on our podcast with everything you need to know. Let’s have a Friday.
RUSSINI & VRABEL 4EVER
We are 2+ weeks into the Russini-Vrabel saga and somehow, it’s even worse than I thought.
In case you’ve been living under a rock, on April 7th, photos emerged of Dianna Russini, a married NFL reporter who is mean to the Jets, and Mike Vrabel, a married coach of the Patriots who are also mean to the Jets, holding hands in Sedona.
It wasn’t exactly romantic, but let’s just say they were holding hands in a way I probably wouldn’t with most of my friends (there are some I would though, shoutout Ian.)
Since then, Russini has resigned from the Athletic and a TON of shit has come out in the last 24 hours, each more diabolical than the last. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
This is what happens when you go against the Jets organization. Let this be a lesson to the entire NFL
Yesterday, pictures were released from March 2020, showing the two kissing at a bar. That is disgusting. We were supposed to be social distancing. I was watching Tiger King and they were French kissing. I’m sick.
A 2021 tweet from Russini was then resurfaced of her saying: “keep looking at my 4 day old son Michael while trying to figure out who are the best Michaels to ever play and coach in the NFL.” Naming your son after the dude you’re having an affair with (or potentially his actual father??) is psychotic. Now I’m a little suspicious my wife keeps suggesting West Wilson as a future baby name.
Additional photos were exposed from 2024, showing the two of them at a casino canoodling, staring longingly into each other’s eyes and what-have-you. Shoutout to Russini’s husband for hiring a PI and sitting on these photos to release in waves. A man who understands the news cycle.
Vrabel has since spoken publicly and addressed the situation, saying he had “difficult conversations with people I care about” and would be skipping Day 3 of the draft to seek counseling. You know it’s serious when you miss rounds 4-7. That’s when the depth of your roster is really filled out.
Some of the clips from the past few years being surfaced are pretty brutal given what we know now, including this one (incredible tweet caption), this compilation, and this one. Side-note: an affair just sounds way too stressful to properly enjoy. Can’t be worth it.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Study reveals that salmon exposed to cocaine in the water swim twice as fast. Anyone who’s watched Lawrence Taylor or Michael Irvin play football could tell you that. If they found out the cocaine water made salmon’s dicks actually work, THAT would be news.
Do salmon exposed to cocaine water also get on all fours and bark like a dog while on the sideline watching their alma mater?
Officially blowing up my entire life & moving to the Greek island Antikythera, that has 24 residents and is offering free homes and $556/month for new residents. The only requirement is having 3 kids, so if anyone is looking to get adopted, LMK.
I don’t even care if there’s a catch. It can be a haunted island or disease ridden or
I gotta hand it to this new looksmaxxer, who I have only seen referred to as ‘Clavicular’s friend’ online: saying you use your tears to soften your hair like a sea salt spray is actually an incredible spin zone. Going to have to add this to the arsenal.
Babe, you don’t understand. I’m not ‘crying after sex bc I can’t satisfy you.’ I’m generating tears to soften my hair like sea salt spray. How many times do I have to tell you.
BREAKING NEWS: Hilary Duff is still super hot. This is a developing story, we’ll give more updates as details emerge. Stay tuned.
I’m trying to imagine myself pulling off a similar split and I just can’t. I genuinely think my legs would snap off of my hips and my groin would explode and roll up like a Fruit by the Foot. Well done, Lizzie Maguire.
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
Sports season is peaking right now. NBA and NHL playoffs. NFL draft. Mets finally figure out how to win a game. Let’s make bank this weekend with Glue Guy and Dr. Locks.
Celtics vs. 76ers: Sixers +7.5. It’s Playoff P’s moment. Hell, I’d hammer the ML here.
Lakers vs. Rockets: Rockets -9.5. Houston - this is your entire season. Lock in.
Spurs vs. Blazers: Spurs -1.5. Bounceback coming. With or without Wemby.
6 LEGGER PARLAY: Mets ML + Brewers ML + Dodgers ML + Oilers ML + Canadiens ML + Rockets ML. Put it in your pipe and smoke it.
Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)
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HIT DIFFERENT GOLF
We’re almost through April which means we’re finally done with shit-ass weather & can shift our focus to the most beautiful season of all: golf season. And more specifically, YouTube Golf season from our team here at Friday Beers. Here’s just a little taste.
Catch up on the rest of our golf videos and check out Hit Different Golf on YouTube and Instagram for more. Big things coming this summer.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Drake’s latest marketing stunt of leaving a fuckton of ice in the streets of Toronto proves that in 2026, the promo for the art is more important than the art itself. PS - do we really need another Drake album?
Read this on your lunch break: Creating Baby Geniuses to Thwart the AI Threat. Ya know what, why the hell not?
This was gold. Nice to see Liam respond to the Mike Vrabel situation in a healthy way by channeling his rage into art.
Loved this article on why The Onion buying InfoWars is the most inspiring media story of the year. Maybe we can have nice things sometimes.
Just a remarkable video here. I never knew where it was headed and I never fully wanted to. Excellent work.
What the hell is wrong with James Dolan that his MSG security footage is this intense? Genuinely shocking article. (Break the paywall with this link.)
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Let’s give some love to Party Down, one of the most slept on comedies of all time. Some of Ken Marino’s greatest work (and that’s saying something.)
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