The Daily Friday: Friday 4/25

1. Round 1 of NFL draft is done, as the Jags trade up for Travis Hunter, Shedeur Sanders falls out of the first round and will have to remodel his house, and this is the only acceptable reaction to getting drafted by the Saints.

2. California has just overtaken Japan as the world’s 4th largest economy. Hell yes. The Gold Rush is finally paying off 150 years later. Keep an eye on Nevada though - they’re dominating the most essential economic sector of our time.

3. Viral ‘ice bucket challenge’ has returned, with participants raising money for a youth mental health nonprofit called Active Minds. Can we please bring back planking and the Cinnamon challenge next? TBD on the carrot challenge.

4. Business Insider founder Henry Blodget writes blog post where he invents an AI employee who falls in love with and sexually harasses. Catastrophic level of horniness. She is super hot though, I’ll admit it.

5. Shannon Sharpe steps down at ESPN amid multiple sexual assault accusations, including an FS1 employee who cited an incident at work (wild place to work.) Pro-Tip: next time, just copy and paste the statement your lawyer sends you instead of screenshotting and posting it. Just a thought.

DIVA DOWN

The brightest stars burn out the fastest.

Former New York congressman and Ziwe guest George Santos has officially been sentenced to 7 years in prison for federal fraud charges. LET’S BREAK THEM DOWN.

Ever since George Santos was elected in 2022, he has been plagued by scandal. After being forced to step down in 2023 when the haters got too loud, he tried to run again last year before he got slapped with federal fraud charges.

The fraud charges are so simple that they’re something that I would come up with. And that’s not a compliment

1. He used personal credit card information from previous donors to rack up charges for the campaign, without their permission. Did he just not think they would notice? Kind of a Jon Hamm in Friends and Neighbors strategy.

2. Inflated his campaign fundraising to hit a $250k threshold to qualify for Republican party backing and loaned his campaign $500k, when he had $8,000 in his bank accounts. Didn’t realize he was fucking loaded. That’s $7,408 more than I have right now.

3. Used campaign funds on personal items like OnlyFans subscriptions (it’s a crime to support small business owners?), a $2k Atlantic City trip (if you hit on red enough, that’s actually an investment) $1,500 on Botox (look good, govern good) and then $200k in cash wired to his personal bank account. Just good, clean fraud.

And while none of these were ‘crimes,’ let’s take a brief moment to look back on his incredible “resume embellishments” on his campaign, when he claimed that he:

• Worked for Goldman (never even applied,)

• Was a volleyball star at Baruch (they don’t have team,)

• Produced a Broadway Spider-Man play (weird lie because the musical notoriously flopped,)

• Was Jewish (claims he meant Jew-ish, as in like kind of Jewish, which is hilarious)

• Starred on Hannah Montana and Suite Life of Zack and Cody (he didn’t. I would know.)

He’s takes manifesting your dreams to a new level and I have to tip the cap. All-time liar.

DOC’S LOCKS

The baseball season is rounding in form and it’s time to introduce a new weekly tradition: 6 legger Fridays. Here’s who the good doctor Dr. Locks is hammering tonight.

6 LEG FRIDAYS: +1233 (Dodgers, Tigers, Padres, Mariners, Twins, Athletics ML)

HERE’S THE SCRIPT:

Dodgers over the Pirates. Yamamoto smokes Skenes in LA.

Tigers hammer Baltimore. Orioles are dead.

Padres dominate the Rays. They just don’t lose at home.

Gilbert’s on the bump for the Mariners, plus the Marlins suck. Easy W for Seattle.

It’s time for the Twins to start winning games. It starts tonight against the Angels.

The Athletics win, but that’s less of a pro-Oakland pick and more of a fading the White Sox.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Man accidentally burns down his entire neighborhood while destroying sex toys. Hey man, it happens. This is why you should always recycle your sex toys and pass them down to friends, neighbors and close family when you’re done with them.

Victor Wembanyama spotted playing soccer with local kids in Costa Rica. Isn’t he supposed to be injured? What a waste of one of Chris Paul’s only 82 game seasons.

Scientists using hidden cameras document wild apes enjoying ‘booze-filled feasts,’ as they share alcoholic fruits to increase bonding. Hell yes. I hope humans never evolve so far that we don’t need some good, quality, suck-down time with the fellas.

Florida man arrested for impersonating a cop for the fourth time, after he pulled a driver over for running a red light. Gotta admire the consistency at that point. Someone’s gotta keep these streets clean and Batman isn’t making it to Orlando.

HOW TO KISS

One of the top 5 sexiest mops I’ve seen in my life. And that’s saying something.

The How-To series has come to an end after 4 episodes of cinematic greatness. Catch up on them all here. Season 6 of regularly scheduled sketch programming is in the works and some HEAT is coming on 5.29. LFG.

DRINKING FRIDAY BEERS ON A FRIDAY: PHILLY

TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF PHILLY AND THE GREATER PHILADELPHIA AREA AT LARGE. Your prayers have been answered. We are officially in your city.

Here’s how you should enjoy this weekend.

Weather Report: Mid 60s - 70s. Bit of wind. Bring a light jacket and your drinking pants.

Friday Afternoon Game-Plan: Drink until the sun goes down. And then wake up on your front yard. With a smile on your face and a song in your heart.

What Bar to Hit: Garage Rittenhouse. The only place to watch the Phillies game.

If that’s too crowded, let’s head on over to Founding Father’s Bar & Grill. The best loaded fries in the entire goddam city.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Just found my new favorite guy on Tik-Tok. Bro is always crafting. Please increase jigglyness by 45%.

• Read this on your lunch break: Mark Zuckerberg Says Social Media is Over.

• Big week for Theo Von, who got a NYT feature and dropped some truth about zoo culture. Couldn’t agree with him more. A true man of the people.

• Absolute banger from Who’s Next this week, but the question remains: did he jinx the Warriors? Is he singlehandedly responsible for Jimmy Butler’s pelvis snapping in half? More to come next week.

• 🚨HISTORIC MOMENT ALERT 🚨 The Talking Talk Tuah guys have gone on the Talk Tau podcast. My brain is exploding.

• It’s Friday. Fuck it. Best moments from the private investigator from Nathan for You. Just because The Rehearsal slaps so hard.