It’s Good Friday. But let’s make it a Great Friday. Why not us?
Rapper Pooh Shiesty arrested for robbing and kidnapping Gucci Mane at a Dallas recording studio after a contract dispute. Wtf. I can’t believe a guy named Pooh Shiesty would do something like that. Can’t trust anything.
Pam Bondi fired as Attorney General (can’t wait to find out how big her husband’s tits are in a month) and will be replaced by Trump’s personal lawyer who wants to the DOJ to ‘move on’ from Epstein files. Sickkkkk.
Walmart Dinosaur chicken nuggets may contain excessive lead, could prompt a nationwide recall of the product. Great. Now what am I supposed to eat? You basically just killed me.
Tiger Woods DUI body-cam footage is released, golfer says he was ‘talking to the president’ on the phone. Look, we’ve all called our girlfriend’s ex-husband’s father after a DUI. I get it. These photos are nuts. 10/10 meme.
We’re on our way to the moon. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
But first…it’s been another week of hurtling through space on a tiny rock. Scams were made in the good name of Barbie. Brands tried to trick us. People fucked who shouldn’t have. Catch up on it all (in less than 30 mins) with one of my favorite guests ever.
MISSION TO THE MOON
If you need a reason to be fired up about the world today, take a listen to this young gentleman: “we’re going back to the frickin’ moon, that’s why.”
The Artemis II crew lifted off on Wednesday for our first trip to the moon since 1972. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
What a picture. The world is awesome
The four person crew has embarked on a 10-day journey in space that will be the farthest any human has gone into space, a trip of over 250,000 miles (my dad got that many miles on our Ford Windstar, just saying.) If I was on that spaceship, I’d scoot wayyyy to the window when we hit our peak, just to say I was personally the deepest into space #builtdifferent
The main function of the trip will to visit the far side of the moon, 60% of which has never been seen by human eyes. Plus, they might also get to hear the Big Bang??? God, I’d be so insufferable at parties if I was there. “Yeah, it’s just hard for you to understand if you’ve never seen the far side of the moon or heard the universe. Sorry.”
While the astronauts won’t actually be landing on the moon, the goal is to establish a collect data to establish a long-term lunar base and set up manned missions to land on the moon by 2028 and eventually on Mars by the 2030s. Hell yes. Would love to summer on Mars.
The trip has had a few hiccups so far, as the toilet stopped working (nightmare for the last person to use it) and they’ve had issues with Microsoft Outlook multiple times (imagine logging into Authenticator from deep space? Chills.) Clogged toilets and problems with email software. Space is exactly like my own workplace. I’m basically an astronaut.
The astronauts have already released some pictures and they’re sick. Only way it’d be cooler is with the words “Almost Friday” in lobster font on it.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
After hearing this absolutely absurd story from Deontay Wilder about how his baby mama injected herself with his sperm behind his back (plus WAY more,) I’m hammering him to win his fight tomorrow night. Always back the guy who’s lost the most marbles.
Best part of the whole thing is Piers just looking at him calmly and not reacting the entire story. Masterclass in journalism
Red Lobster says they may bring back the ‘Endless Shrimp’ promotion that originally almost bankrupted them. Hell yes. Better to die on your feet than live on your knees.
Just do not let Mr. Chestnut participate in the promotion. Only caveat.
Shame on the Wizards for pulling off this classic blindfold half court shot April Fool’s prank on a fan. The fan has suffered enough watching you guys play basketball. Don’t put him through any more trauma (PS - they’re lucky this didn’t happen.)
$10,000 is enough money to afford groceries for at least 2 weeks. They ruined this man’s life
Absolutely thrilled to learn that Jonathan the tortoise is actually alive and kicking it at age 193, despite rumors that he had died. Just a few more years until he’s old enough to run for office. Hang in there bud.
Oh ya’ll thought I got popped?? Think again 🤫🤫🤫
Never related to a lizard more than to this gentleman who saw a female lizard for the first time and lost his goddam mind. That’s how I react to every single Megan Fox post.
I might have to unfollow her bc i can’t just see this stuff on Instagram and go about my day like nothing happened. It’s decimating my focus and frankly, I think it’s ruining the American economy. There is no way GDP is not impacted by the loss of productivity this leads to among the proletariat. More research is needed but yeah. What was I talking about? MAMA!!!!
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
It all comes down to this. Here are some can’t miss picks for this Final Four slate from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy. They never miss (unless they do and then it’s not their fault.)
TOURNAMENT RECORD: 5-5
#3 Illinois vs. #2 U-Conn: U-Conn
#1 Michigan vs. #1 Arizona: Arizona
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THE PERFECT DAY IN LAS VEGAS w/ CALEB PRESSLEY
Just a beautiful piece of content from Rusty, Willy, and new Willy Caleb Pressley. The perfect thing to pop on at your desk this afternoon to take you into happy hour. Namaste.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Scamanda is the biggest thing to hit the reality TV world since Scandoval, and it might honestly be bigger. Team Ciara until we die.
Read this on your lunch break: The Chaotic Timeline that Led to America’s Great Airport Meltdown.
While you’re waiting for AFTV’s new season of YouTube sketches, treat yourself to this gem from the Treehouse Boys: When the movie narrator turns evil.
This was a fantastic chat between Adam Friedland and Maury Povich (easily my top 2 talk show GOATs) where both thought they were the one being interviewed.
Who’s Next just dropped the greatest NBA edit of all time. I know I say that a lot, but this might be my favorite video I’ve ever watched. Not exaggerating.
It’s Friday. The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. Let’s get absolutely shit- hammered this weekend like God intended. This should get you fired up.
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