The Daily Friday: Friday 4/4

1. The deadline for Tik-Tok’s sale is tomorrow, as companies start lining up to submit bids, including the founder of OnlyFans, a growing e-Commerce business called Amazon and the lizard wearing human skin known as Mr. Beast.

2. Ja Morant does finger gun celebration gesture immediately after being warned by the NBA about it two days prior. I wish I love anything as much as this man loves guns. Caring is cool, guys.

3. US bans government personnel in China from romantic or sexual relationships with Chinese citizens out of fear for ‘honeypot’ spies. Sounds like a rom-com that I’d watch the hell out of it. Do your worst, Hollywood.

4. Ant Edwards pays off $1M in child support up front (allegedly) for what could be his fourth child with four different women in 2 years. That’s just a financially savvy decision. Tyreek Hill and Xavien Howard should take notes.

5. Tariffs have arrived. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first - one last reminder to vote our boys from Playdate Pod up to the top of Webby charts. DEMOCRACY DIES IN THE DARKNESS.

OFFICIALLY TARIFFED

It turns out that Liberation Day meant that we would be liberated from all our Earthly possessions. My bad for misunderstanding.

I’ll be honest with you guys. The tariffs seem bad. But then again, I don’t really know how any of this works. And I also have a ton of cigarette stock, so I think I’m actually doing fine. Smoke your way through it, America.

There’s one thing I do know though, and it’s memes. Here were some of my favorites.

• Thank god we decided to tariff the country with no humans and just penguins. They were ripping us off at a level never before seen in business history. NOW SAY THANK YOU.

• Banger. Honestly think Trump should be a character on the next I Think You Should Leave Season. He’d fit right in.

• Never related to Trump more than during this moment. Yeah, I’ll just have a Miller Lite. Thanks bud.

• Can’t wait for the next wave of tariffs. Narnia is never going to recover from this.

• Whoever made these charts should immediately commit ritual seppuku. Formatting matter people, pls fix thanks. 

• How did Cambodia catch strays in this?

• People are not even considering the impact this will have on some of our essential services. If I have to change massage parlors, I’ll leave the country.

Of course Bill Ackman is still trying to spin this one. Go away, man.

LET’S LUCY

Lucy is intelligent nicotine for adults, designed by scientists to deliver the most satisfying nicotine experience, and ALWAYS Tobacco Free. Whether you use nicotine to enhance focus, boost your energy, or relax: there’s a Lucy for you.

Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 6mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life than lying on the couch after a long day of working sorta hard, popping a couple in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

HOW TO BREAK BAD NEWS

Have you ever wondered how to do stuff? Well, wonder no more. The AFTV squad is out with a brand new series on How to Do Things, starting off hot with their first episode: How To Break Bad News. Must watch.

PS - we need an entire movie spin-off of Will and Chet as cops. The last 20 seconds of this convinced me.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Relatable: North Dakota mayor resigns after accidentally texting a female colleague a video of him furiously cranking his hog to absolute smithereens that he “meant to send to his girlfriend.” She sounds hot and real. I believe him.

After many failed relationships, a man from India has decided to marry a goat. Can’t believe he gets to call Wilt Chamberlain his husband. Thought he died like 25 years ago.

What in the White Lotus? Demi Moore and Bruce Willis’ three daughters say they still take baths together in their mid-30s. That’s disgusting. Baths are gross.

Need to invite this dude who can sing a mash-up to any tune to every future pregame I’m at. Just the exact type of energy that I’m looking for. Kudos to you, sir.

NO CABIN IS SAFE

Pack your body bags for NEON’s outrageously bloody and funny new horror movie, HELL OF A SUMMER. 

Starring Finn Wolfhard, Billy Bryk, and Fred Hechinger, HELL OF A SUMMER follows a group of counselors trying to take down a killer stalking the camp. 

Get tickets now for HELL OF A SUMMER, the slasher movie event of the year, now playing in theaters.

DRINKING FRIDAY BEERS ON A FRIDAY: NJ EDITION

TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF NEW JERSEY. Don’t worry about your plans for tonight. We got it all figured out for you.

Weather Report: High 50s, Low 60s. Likely chance of rain. Bring a jacket if you’re leaving the house (the cool one that gets you laid sometimes.)

Friday Afternoon Game-Plan: Pick up a 6-pack after work. Sit your tiny little ass on the couch, put some regular season NBA on the TV (hammer the over), pop the top, crank some tunes, and hit the group chat with a ‘who’s trying to piss themselves tonight?’ Put your feet up and watch the storm roll in. That’s a nice little Friday.

Where to Get Your Beers:

Leaving The House: Flying Pig Tavern. Bordentown, NJ. It’s Live Music Friday, need I say more?

Staying at Home: Shop Rite. Middletown, NJ. Maybe the check-out lady is kinda cute. Maybe she notices your case of delicious light beers and says ‘wow, someone’s having fun tonight.’ Maybe you say something cool in response. Maybe you shit yourself. Anything can happen.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Another week, another masterpiece of a text-tracking video from our editor Caleb on Friday Beers main page. Just cinematic work here.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Six Figure Nannies and Housekeepers of Palm Beach.

• It’s been a few months, but I’m still thinking about this at-bat. Maybe the most disrespectful showing in baseball history.

• Going on patrol with the Guardian Angels definitely sounds like a way to spend a Friday. Good luck catching me, guys.

• The new season of the The Rehearsal is looking like it could be another Nathan Fielder masterclass. Can’t wait.

• The extended cut of the White Lotus Season 3 theme song goes pretty hard, I’d say. Not hard enough to lose your job over, but still hard.

• It’s Friday. Fuck it. Miracle Pregame speech to start the weekend off right. Let’s tie one off.