Congress passes bill to re-open DHS, ending the record-long 76 day shutdown. Crazy to think that when this started, Kristi Noem was still in charge and we had no idea who her husband was. Where does the time go?
Knicks advance to Eastern semis after beating the piss out of the Hawks in historical fashion. Tough time to Swag Surf here. Sixers force a Game 7 and the Wolves send Jokic to the horse track for the summer. Good riddance.
Netflix introduces new ‘Clips’ feed that will feature Tik-Tok style clips of popular shows and movies on a mobile phone. Can’t wait to finally sit down and watch The Irishman as Scorsese intended: in 100+ vertical short-form clips.
Story about female JP Morgan executive turning junior male employee into ‘sex slave’ turned out to be a complete fabrication by employee (who I’m convinced is AI, btw. Look at this headshot.) Making up these quotes is just absurd. He should be writing a fairy smut novel, not fake HR complaints.
It’s Kentucky Derby weekend and it’s time to celebrate. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN. But first….
BREAKING: Almost Friday TV is taking their talents from YouTube to the stage during the Netflix is a Joke Festival, next Tuesday at The Regent Theater in LA. Get your tickets now. Fun fact - their live stuff is even better than their digital. Fantastic show.
GREATEST HORSE NAMES THROUGHOUT HISTORY
It’s Derby Weekend, which means it’s time for fancy suits, big bets, doing molly if you’re Wes Welker in 2014, and celebrating incredible horse names.
We broke this down in our podcast yesterday, but here are my personal favorites (in no particular order.)
Ahhh to be Wes Welker in 2014. Living the absolute dream
Onoitsmymotherinlaw: Just a classic old guy joke.
Bodacious Tatas: Spending millions on a horse just to force announcers to say beautiful tits a bunch of times on the mic? Could Be the Move.
Sinister Minister: just rolls right off the tongue. Plus, it could be politically charged if you’re in a country that has a minister. Win-win.
Potoooooooo (Pot-8-Os): Get it? Like Potato but Pot 8 Os? Pretty sick. Even sicker is the fact that this was a British horse in the late 1700s. Didn’t know the Brits were moving with pun-based humor like that back then. Respect.
Thunder Gulch: incredible horse name, even better name for an ‘80s low budget horror movie. Sort of a win-win if you ask me.
I Am the Game: Yeah you are. Tell the whole world.
His Eminence: fuck, that rocks. Might legally change my own name to that. A daily boost of confidence from being called that when my Starbucks drink order was ready would change my life.
Usain Colt: excellent pun. No notes.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Some personal news: I have decided to change my career after seeing the lady who got $300k in damages after being over-served on a cruise ship. All I have to do to 10x my net worth is have 14 tequila shots and fall down a staircase ever 18 months or so? Done.
Me after 2 dozen bottom shelf tequila shots and then pretending to drown for attention except i actually drown 😕
New way to light $200 on fire just dropped: the ‘Chocotherapy’ experience at an NYC Michelin restaurant that involves pouring melted chocolate on your hands. Maybe it’s not the end of the world if all the rich people leave NYC because of Mamdani after all.
My girl after I took her out to dinner at the poop factory for our 3rd anniversary and she loved it
Shoutout to Alexei Ramirez, the 44 year old baseball player who tested positive for 4 types of steroids at the World Baseball Classic. Love this mindset. Fuck it, what are they gonna do? Suspend the guy who’s already retiring anyways? Get yolked.
Old guys can have a little steroids, just as a treat
Probably should’ve seen this one coming but Russell Brand is officially running for London Mayor and launching a book. This Piers Morgan appearance was the perfect way to kick off the campaign (one of my favorite clips of the year so far.)
After seeing this cover shot, I’m to think that there is a case to be made that Anne Hathaway is a mystical vampire who never ages (TBT to 2003) and can never die. Sounds like a truly cursed existence for her, but I have no complaints personally.
Much to consider
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
Let’s make bank this weekend with Glue Guy and Dr. Locks. Tap in for a full breakdown.
SIX LEG PARLAY: Pistons ML + Raptors ML + Rockets ML + Bruins ML + Lightning ML + Mammoth ML.
Odds: +4500. Time to feed families.
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SCARED AND IMPAIRED
One of my favorite series that we do over on the Friday Beers YouTube. Incredible episode here with a remarkable Luke Null appearance (spoilers.) Hammer it.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
What are you picking in this viral Red vs. Blue button hypothetical that we broke down on the podcast? If you hit Red, reply to this email and explain why your’e such a terrible person please. I wanna hear you out.
Read this on your lunch break: The Rise in Conspiracy Brain.
I could listen to The Tonics sing for 24 hours straight. And I just might.
Well, this article broke me: apparently Clavicular’s fame is entirely due to a massive clipping empire funded by Kick and Slate.
Jon Gruden as your sleep paralysis demon actually kind of sounds like the dream.
What happens when someone throws messages into the sea? Now we know.
Deepest Recorded Palantir Speed Run made me laugh out loud. Nobody does it like Good Work.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. In honor of Superbad (potentially) getting knocked out in our greatest comedy movie of all time bracket, let’s hit 10 minutes of extended and deleted scenes.
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