The Daily Friday: Friday 5/16

1. Dick’s Sporting Goods is buying Foot Locker for $2.4B, will continue to run them as stand-alone business. Not shocked to hear this one: dicks have always loved feet. Just a fact of life.

2. Jhonattan Vegas leads PGA Championship, though Max Homa is nipping at his heels after this near hole-in-one on a Par 4. If Si Woo Kim keeps ripping mid-round darts and then eagling, he’ll be unstoppable.

3. Harvard Law discovers their “copy” of the Magna Carta, purchased for $27.50 in 1946, is actually a very rare original version (1 of 7!) from the 1300s worth tens of millions of dollars. Green-light National Treasure 4 ASAP.

4. Air traffic radios went down for 2 minutes AGAIN on Monday, this time at the Denver Airport. The skies are no longer safe and it’s time to return to what works: the Margaritaville High Speed Train Line. Make it happen.

5. Hurry Up Tomorrow, a new movie starring The Weekend, gets roasted by reviewers. Not sure why. I think he gave a very powerful performance here.

THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT?

Well, folks. It’s been nice knowing you all. Apparently, according to an astronomer, Earth could be hit by a 600,000 mile-wide ‘bird wing’ solar eruption today. You’d have to assume that would wipe us all out, or at least make living kind of annoying.

Anyways, if this is really it, it’s been real. At least HBO got to rename their streaming service for the 5th time and Jaylen Brown got to squeeze a penis before it all ended. I know it’s been a while for him.

There were a lot of good things about being human. Well executed daps. One wipe poops. First beer on vacation. Nice breeze after a haircut. Winning a big bet. Fifth beer on a boat. Being awake for a booty call. The Other Guys. Ninth beer at your nephew’s communion. Realizing you share a mutual friend with someone you just met. A broken in baseball glove. Waking up with no hangover after your nephew’s communion. The Entourage episode when Aquaman hits #1. Joey Chestnut. Viktor Krum.

And look, if we do make it to Monday’s newsletter, can everyone act normal and just forget I said all that sentimental stuff? I’m really only comfortable opening up to Uber drivers when I’m completely hammered, so I’ll be embarrassed.

DOC’S LOCKS

It’s peak sports season and it’s time to continue a new weekly tradition: 6 legger Fridays. Here’s who the good doctor Dr. Locks is hammering tonight. Hit the once and bankroll your entire weekend.

6 LEG FRIDAYS: +1200 (Panthers ML, Yankees ML, Red Sox ML, Phillies ML, Giants ML, Dodgers ML.)

HERE’S THE SCRIPT:

• Panthers send the Leafs packing in Game 6.

• Bleacher Creatures tear Soto a new one during his return to Yankee Stadium.

• Sox rock Sale in his return to Fenway. Good riddance.

• Phils take it to the Pirates. Sprinkle a little Schwarber HR action on for more fun.

• Logan Webb gem in SF.

• Shohei recovers from this last night, jacks a dinger or two. Dodgers W.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Hard to find a better pregame speech giver than this rec basketball coach right here. Need him to scream in my ear at the bar so I have the courage to speak to a woman.

Woman slices off her husband’s penis and cooks it in bean stew after catching him watching porn. Good lord. I’d be eating bean stew 3x a day if we ever got married.

Sure Julius Randle played his dick off for the T-Wolves, but Minnesota fans know that the real MVP was Red Panda. Still throwing 95 on the black at age 55. No one better.

Man arrested after police found him in a Lowe’s display shed with Vaseline, his pants around his ankles and his phone out. Not seeing the crime. He could have easily been moisturizing his legs while watching Peter Griffin compilations. Very normal thing to do.

Time to clear my calendar for late August. Sydney Sweeney’s new movie comes out and judging from the trailer, I’m going to have to spend most of my days defending her honor online. Just because you make a bad movie doesn’t mean you’re a bad person ❤️ 

FRIDAY BEERS AT THE JERSEY SHORE

Do you feel that, Jersey Shore? That’s us. We are here. And we are ready to commence suckdown alllll summer long in God’s Country with you.

We are lining the coast with our delicious light lager, starting with Super Buy Rite in Williamstown, Joe Canal’s in Millville, Fred’s Avalon Liquor in Avalon and much more. Snag a sixer today. See your out there 🤝🤝

PS - here’s a special surprise for MDW. See you at D’Jai’s.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Big props go out to Last Take, the perfect parody of First Take. Probably laughed 11x during the full episode. No notes.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Popular Alternative: The State of A24.

• Who’s Next dropped another banger, breaking down the Top 5 slashing paint beast board-hunting rim protectors of all time. Miss once, I dare you.

• AI is changing the face of dating. Should we be worried? Probably!

• One Man vs. 14 of His GF’s friends is just an unfair fight. Full video is perfection. Well done, sir.

• Honestly could watch 24 straight hours of Flat Glass Battle footage. Just incredible content.

• It’s Friday. Throw this Lose Yourself compilation sung by 331 movies up on a TV at the pregame tonight before you leave for the bars. Let’s tie one off.

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